Do I Have To Forgive? (The Answer May Surprise You)
Ask anyone, Christian or not, and one of the things they will say about God is that he forgives our sins and expects us to forgive others. This is true – to an extent. But a closer look at the character of God and His word, and we’ll see that forgiveness isn’t always required - and that even God doesn’t always forgive.
When forgiveness is hard
Have you ever felt like the command to forgive, rather than setting you free, is keeping you stuck, unable to move forward?
Are your failed attempts to forgive making you feel like you are failing God, are failing as a Christian, and are holding you back from what others tell you you’ll have if only you could forgive?
Does forgiving someone who is unrepentant feel wrong?
These are valid concerns. As Christians, there is a lot of pressure to forgive those who have hurt us, and a lot of Scripture thrown at us to condemn unforgiveness. But for those in very difficult relationships - relationships where you are regularly sinned against - it can start to feel like forgiving people who are unrepentant is inconsistent with the character of God, especially when the command to forgive is wielded as:
an ultimatum (i.e. you won't be forgiven if you don't forgive)
a requirement that will result in the mending of problematic relationships
the root of problems
a necessity regardless of how many times the same person has committed the same sin against you
a one-way street that doesn't require an apology or repentance
the only way to set ourselves free from bitterness
and a "magic pill" of sorts that is very hard for so many people to swallow as they find that it leads to more guilt, harm, and captivity rather than freedom
What Scripture Actually Says About Forgiveness
In the popular passage in Matthew 18 about forgiveness, here are some of the lessons:
if another Christian sins against you, tell him his fault
if he doesn’t listen, bring someone else in to witness his refusal to acknowledge his sin
if he refuses to listen to them, tell the church what he has done
if he refuses to listen to the church, treat him as an unbeliever (with compassion but distance)
After that lesson from Jesus to his disciples, Peter asks:
How many times are we to forgive? Up to seven times?
Jesus says “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times” (or “seventy times seven times,” depending on what version you read - but the implication is the same - an unlimited number). Jesus then goes on to explain what forgiveness looks like (and doesn’t look like) by telling a parable:
The kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. A man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master took pity on him, canceled the debt, and let him go.
But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
But he refused. Instead, he had the man thrown into prison. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
Jesus is telling us that God will forgive, but if it becomes clear that someone’s heart is not affected by being forgiven (like the forgiven servant who refused to forgive someone else who owed him a debt), that forgiveness is rescinded.
No seventy-seven times for him!
Not everyone should be forgiven over and over.
Jesus ends the passage by saying that, for those who are unaffected by God’s grace and forgiveness like the bad servant was, those people will not be forgiven either (“this is how your Father will treat you unless you forgive”).
So the question is: Are you like the bad servant whose heart has been unaffected by God’s forgiveness - or are you someone who has forgiven over and over and yet are still being treated badly by those whom you have forgiven?
God is not calling us to forgive someone over and over when it is clear that their hearts are unaffected by our forgiveness. He is calling us to be like him – forgiving those who, when they know they have been forgiven, freely pass that forgiveness on to others. We are not required to forgive those who become mean, like the bad servant, even when forgiven. God even gives us permission to choose not to forgive: In John 20:23 he says, “If you forgive anyone’s sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.”
Luke 17:3 sends the same message regarding the requirement of repentance:
if someone sins against you, rebuke him - and if he repents, then forgive him
Did you catch that? You are told to rebuke him. Then, if he repents, forgive him. Repentance is turning from the behavior that caused harm. That isn’t the same as saying “I’m sorry.” And, no, it isn’t even just changing his behavior. It is turning away in his heart from what resulted in his sin against you. It is a change of heart like what we saw being required in Matthew 18. That is when you must forgive.
[Wondering how this fits in with “turning the other cheek”? Read my article on that here.]
Why Would God Say We Don’t Have to Forgive?
Let’s take a look at what Scripture says is the purpose of forgiveness, the result of unforgiveness, and the way to be forgiven.
The purpose of forgiveness:
Forgiveness is intended for reconciliation.
2 Corinthians 5: 18, 19 says that, through forgiveness in Christ, we have been reconciled to God. It’s through forgiveness that we are able to mend relationships. However, as we can see with God as our example, not all relationships will be reconciled/mended. If our forgiveness does not draw our hearts to God, then our relationship with him is not reconciled.
The same holds true for our human relationships. If our forgiveness does not draw the heart of the forgiven back to us, then the relationship is not reconciled. When reconciliation is not possible or safe, then forgiving over and over is not necessary (and it can, in fact, give the offender a false sense of security about his position with you and can be used as an excuse and as ammunition to defend why he should be able to get away with wrong behavior: because “you have to forgive” him). [Read my article about narcissists, who feel entitled to forgiveness]
The result of unforgiveness
The opposite of forgiveness is not bitterness or resentment.
It is a narrow (but common) view that teaches that unforgiveness results in holding bitterness against someone. You may have heard that harboring unforgiveness is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die - the only one who dies when you drink the poison of unforgiveness is you.
But the opposite of forgiveness does not have to be bitterness. In lieu of forgiveness, you can have compassion for his darkness, a sense of sorrow for his inability to maintain his relationship, and pity for his ignorance as to how he is hurting himself and others. (More on how to do this below.) You don’t have to be bitter just because forgiving is not warranted.
The way to be forgiven
God offers us forgiveness, but we do not get it unless we receive it.
Forgiveness is a gift that we have to reach out and receive in order to experience its benefits. God doesn’t forgive everyone – he offers forgiveness to everyone – he makes it available to everyone. But not everyone is forgiven. If everyone is forgiven, then everyone would spend eternity in heaven. And we know that’s not what happens. (You do know that, right?)
God made forgiveness available to us by his work on the cross so that we can reconciled to God, but in order for forgiveness to do its work of reconciliation, it must be received. Just as not everyone is reconciled to God (not everyone receives his forgiveness), so it is with our human relationships – we can be prepared to offer forgiveness at any time by having a heart of compassion toward him, but until it is ready to be received, it need not be given.
Forgiving Seventy-Seven Times
“Then why does my pastor/counselor/mentor/friend say that the Bible tells me to forgive him seventy-seven times?” you might ask.
The Bible does say that - and if someone continues to repent, then ongoing forgiveness is what we are called to. Sincere efforts to change are sincere efforts to change, and everyone can be given the chance to keep trying - after all, we are just human - and sometimes we all need many chances. [Here’s how to tell if someone’s efforts are sincere]
But if a pastor, counselor, mentor, or friend says you are required to forgive seventy-seven times even if someone doesn’t repent, then they simply have not examined the Scriptures on this topic, probably because they’ve never needed to.
Why Some People Get Forgiveness Wrong
Many people have not experienced the harm that comes from forgiving someone over and over who is unrepentant.
Forgiving someone over and over who is unrepentant relinquishes that person from the consequences of their actions and allows them to continue to have access to hurt you.
Some people attempt to say that forgiveness does not mean that someone doesn’t have consequences - but implicit in the meaning of the word “forgiveness” is a forgiving or forgoing of consequences. That’s the kind of forgiveness that grants us eternal life in heaven - we are free from the consequences of our sin.
It waters down the gospel to say that forgiveness is for the purpose of releasing us from bitterness but not from consequences. God’s forgiveness doesn’t release Him from bitterness (He has none) - it releases us from consequences. Therefore, those who say that forgiveness doesn’t release someone from consequences misunderstands the gospel.
When we understand that forgiveness is, indeed, intended to release someone from consequences, then we can further understand why forgiving someone over and over is not consistent with the gospel when someone continues to sin against you, putting you in danger of being repeatedly hurt. 1 John 5: 18 says “We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin.”
Those who teach that you must forgive likely have not experienced a relationship in which ongoing forgiveness leads to more sin, so they cannot fathom that forgiveness would make things worse.
They’ve taken as fact that your forgiveness sets you free.
Many people will tell you that forgiving someone sets you free, but they have it backwards. It isn’t your forgiveness toward someone else that sets you free, it’s someone else’s forgiveness toward you that sets you free. Being forgiven and receiving that forgiveness (by recognizing your sin and repenting) is what sets you free. Forgiving someone who is unrepentant will actually keep you bonded to someone whom you perhaps should not remain bonded to, keeping you in bondage rather than making you free.
If you are concerned that you are not free because of unforgiveness that you have toward someone, then understand that it isn’t forgiveness that you need. What you need is to release your bond to that person by deciding that you will not hold them responsible to you for anything - you won’t hold them responsible to apologizing or to loving you or to appreciating you or to understanding you - essentially, you understand that they don’t owe you anything because you are no longer bonded to them - there is no mutual or reconciled relationship.
Forgiving sets someone else free; giving up your bond to someone sets you free.
They assume that failing to forgive is equivalent to remaining angry, resentful, or bitter.
As noted above, the opposite of forgiveness is not anger, bitterness, or resentment. We can heal our hurt and the feelings that come along with it without forgiving. By gaining a deep understanding of the depravity of the human condition, we can release our hurt and live without bitterness and resentment, even without forgiving. The attitude that God has toward those who are not saved is not anger or bitterness - it is compassion and patience while desiring everyone to be reconciled to Himself. This is the same attitude that comes as we heal our hurt. [Click here to learn how to heal your hurt]
They don’t understand evil.
For many people, it is unthinkable that someone would be unrepentant, and therefore it makes sense to always forgive. They do not understand the depth to which evil exists. And they do not know what it is like to continue to forgive someone who doesn’t repent only to find that you are being treated worse and worse with each successive act of forgiveness. Thus, they do not understand why it would be important to withhold forgiveness until there is repentance, because they do not understand the harm that can come from forgiving someone who has only evil motives. [Think your spouse is a Christian but he doesn’t always act like one? Read my article “Is my Husband a Christian?” to get some clarity on that]
They do not know as much as you think they do.
Pastors/counselors/mentors are not all-knowing, and can sometimes (albeit unintentionally) be like the scribes who are ignorant as to how bad things are: Jeremiah 8: 8, 9, 11 says
“How can you say ‘We are wise, for we have the law of the Lord’ when actually the lying pen of the scribes has handled it falsely? Since they have rejected the word of the Lord, what kind of wisdom do they have? They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. ‘Peace, peace’ they say, when there is no peace.”
Many people-helpers assume that there can be peace and cannot fathom the seriousness of what you’re going through, so do not rely too much on their counsel. You do not have to accept misguided advice just because they are in a position of authority. Proverbs 13:20 says that “a companion of fools suffers harm.”
How to free yourself without forgiving
You want to be free from bitterness, because it does eat you up on the inside. The way to do that is not through forgiveness, which can also cause you harm, but through having a soft heart toward everyone. [Click here to read my article on healing the wounds so that you can acquire that soft heart]
Having a soft heart means that, following God’s example, we should be ready at the moment that they truly repent to extend forgiveness. When we are prepared to do that, it’s then that we realize that “Hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .
(I've been relieved to see that the ramifications of trying to force someone or guilt someone into forgiveness is bringing about more study on the subject, even from well-known authors like Gary Chapman of the 5 Love Languages ❤️. Check out this excerpt from Gary Chapman’s book The Five Languages of Apology and this article from Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage. Karl and Crew from Moody Radio have also endorsed this approach to forgiveness [that God makes forgiveness available but does not forgive everybody]. A thorough understanding of God’s character and behavior toward us gives us a deeper understanding of how we can be toward each other: Matthew 10:25 “It is enough for students to be like their teachers, and servants like their masters.”)
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