In my last article, I suggested that your pastor might not understand what you are going through and, therefore, not have the ability to speak authoritatively into your situation. This might confuse you, since you may have been taught that you have to obey your elders and pastors and that they provide godly counsel. And that is true in many circumstances . . . but not when they’re wrong!

Jesus is an example to us regarding submission to authority

The teachers of the law said that you shouldn’t do the work of healing on the Sabbath or picking grain on the Sabbath, but Jesus said they were wrong and did not obey them.

The elders said that everyone should wash their hands before they eat lest they become unclean, but Jesus said they were wrong and did not obey them. Jesus called them blind guides!

If your pastor is not familiar with the whole counsel and character of God, as the teachers of the law in Jesus’ day sometimes were not, then do not give them authority that is not theirs.

Sometimes pastors . . .

speak of God’s grace without mentioning justice
encourage submission without recognizing responsibility
preach mutual relationships without teaching about the accountability necessary to make it happen
counsel as though love and kindness excludes boundaries and truth
encourage peace-faking instead of peace-making (“they dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. ‘Peace, peace,’ they say, when there is no peace” Jeremiah 6:14)
and acknowledge good while dismissing evil

People in unhealthy marriages often give away the authority they have over their own lives to those who don’t guide them well, because they’ve been told that they have to submit to pastors and elders. But Christ has set us free not so that we could be enslaved again (Galatians 5: 1) by those who lay upon us heavy burdens without lifting a finger to help us carry them (Luke 11: 46), but so that we can discern good and evil (Matthew 10: 16) and live in the truth (John 16: 13).

Authority over our lives is ours alone – to give to whom we choose to give it.

The only one worthy of all authority all the time is our Lord and Savior. So when you are choosing who will have authority over your life, choose well.

If you’ve gone to your pastor or mentor or counselor and have been told to do the same old things that got you into this mess in the first place (respect, submit, obey, affirm, pray), it can be really confusing and frustrating as you try to figure out what to do with their advice.

Here’s some guidance as you discern whether authority is godly:

1. Trust your conscience

YOU are the only one living your life, and the Holy Spirit provides guidance and truth for what you are going through. Your pastor or counselor or mentor doesn’t know what you’re dealing with if their guidance is not in line with what the Holy Spirit is revealing to you. If they aren’t protecting you and encouraging you to protect yourself, then they aren’t a biblical authority. The Bible says to defend the oppressed (Isa, 1: 17; Isa. 58: 6). They should be doing that. If they don’t believe that you are oppressed, then they are blinded to the truth.

2. Do not accept that they are choosing to “not take sides”

Not taking sides is not an option. Neutrality only hurts the oppressed while giving power to the offender. In fact, not taking sides IS taking a side – the side of the offender. The Bible does not teach neutrality. It teaches us to take up the cause of the righteous and defend the oppressed. Isaiah 59: 16 says that God is appalled when no one intervenes.

pastor authority should always take sides

3. To those who have not experienced the wickedness of selfish character, it is unfathomable that a relationship would not be give and take

They believe that if you do your “part” then the other person will do their “part.” They don’t understand that you have consistently done your “part” and your kindness and generosity and forgiveness have been exploited to feed the monster that gets more powerful each time you do your “part.” Your part is to work with the “natural” and leave the “super” up to God. Stop trying to play God, believing that you can be more kind, more generous, and more forgiving than God is. Even God doesn’t put up with selfishness. You shouldn’t either.

4. To those who say that “it takes two” – they are right (but not in the way they think they are)

It took two people to get you to where you’re at: one (you) to do everything you’re supposed to do and the other to use you. Your spouse isn’t mean to you because you are mean to them. Your spouse is mean to you because you’re nice to them even when they don’t deserve it. People who have not experienced a relationship like that do not understand this. We teach people how to treat us by what we allow.

5. Don’t waste your time or emotional energy trying to get them to understand your perspective

Proverbs says that fools despise wisdom and knowledge, that the complacency of fools will destroy them, that a companion of fools suffers harm, that fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in their own opinions, and that you should not speak to fools because they will scorn your prudent words. In other words: don’t waste your breath. Isaiah 59: 15 says that there are times when people do not accept the truth and then whoever shuns evil becomes a prey.

6. Find a resource who will support reality

Oftentimes people believe that by doing things a certain way you can force something to become a reality – like by being all positive toward your spouse, your spouse will become a better person. This is not reality. You know this because you’ve tested it . . . for a long time. Find a resource who affirms what you are going through and guides you to work within the reality of the situation to do the “natural” and leave the “super” up to God.

Don’t I Have to Submit to the Authority of my Pastor?