Is Your Relationship Making You Depressed? (The Link Between Codependency and Depression)
If you are feeling depressed, you might think you need to try harder to be happy, see a counselor to talk about it, or get some medication to make you feel better, but you might not have considered that your depression in linked to your relationship.
Depression can be debilitating.
It’s hard to get up in the morning.
It’s hard to get motivated to do anything.
It’s hard to function throughout the day.
You feel empty.
You have nothing to give.
If you manage to get through the day, you feel as though you’re just going through the motions.
And on top of it, you feel like it’s not OK to not be OK. You have people that are depending on you for help. You have people that expect you to be fully engaged. And you have people who will judge you if you aren’t happy.
And even though you feel like you know what you should do to feel better, you can’t gather up the motivation to do it.
Debilitating.
Is it possible that part of the reason that it’s hard to do anything about it is that the things you do to overcome the depression don’t ever make it go away permanently?
If that’s the case for you, then it’s possible that you are missing the real solution - a solution that could be linked to something that perhaps you hadn’t considered: your relationship.
Is your depression linked to your relationship?
To find out if your depression is linked to your relationship, here’s a little test:
Are you with someone who you are trying to help through struggles?
Do you feel like, no matter how hard you try to help, it’s not getting better?
Do you find yourself feeling resentful?
For example: Do you go out of your way and give up things that are important to you in order to help someone and they don’t appreciate it, they take even more from you, and they don’t improve? It’s reasonable that, after all of that, you would feel like “why did I even bother?” Or “when will it make a difference?” Or “what about them doing something for me?”
Do you get sarcastic or passive aggressive?
It’s exhausting trying to be the kind of person you think you should be all the time. At some point, it’s easy to start saying one thing with your mouth but something different with your thoughts or actions.
Are you inclined to reject thoughts and feelings that aren’t in line with how you or others think you should be?
It’s hard to be honest with yourself or others because those honest thoughts and feelings aren’t very positive. You sometimes feel disappointed or frustrated or like giving up - but you push those feelings aside because they don’t line up with who you want to be or how others see you.
Is it hard to be assertive about what you want?
You tend to yield to others’ desires and feel like what you want has to come second to what others want. You prefer to just keep the peace.
Do you have a hard time making decisions?
You are so scared that you won’t make the right decision or the best decision that you don’t make a decision at all.
If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you are a kind, generous, sacrificing person.
And it’s killing you from the inside out.
Codependency is linked to depression
People who are kind, generous, and self-sacrificing WITHOUT also having boundaries and care for themselves are called codependent. They are willing to give up everything for the sake of someone else - even to their own detriment and, unbeknownst to them, the other person’s detriment.
Codependency feels like the right thing to do. It feels helpful. It feels self-sacrificing. It feels loving.
But it will wear you down. And that could be (at least partially) why you are depressed.
People who are codependent are usually in a relationship that isn’t mutual. The other person doesn’t treat you as well as you treat them. The other person has habits that are hurting themselves and others. The other person gets upset easily. You are walking on eggshells. You try to please them but they aren’t doing much to meet your needs.
When you are in relationship with someone like that, you feel like the mature one, the stable one, the one who’s holding it together. You feel like if you don’t have it all together, your relationship will fall apart and the other person won’t do well. [Read my article on the husband as leader]
That’s a lot of pressure. And it creates the sense that you are in control. And yet, deep down, you know that you don’t have control. The things you’re trying to do to help are not actually improving anything. [Read my article on When Helping Isn’t Helping]. And you feel a lack of control.
It’s that lack of control that can lead to depression. A sense of hopelessness. A sense that nothing you do makes a difference. A sense that you don’t know what else to do and kind of want to give up.
Well, I have good news.
If your depression is linked to your relationship, it’s a simple fix.
I said “simple” not “easy.”
The solution is to get control back.
If depression comes from feeling like the control you thought you had isn’t enough or that you’ve lost control and don’t know what else to do, then gaining control will help bring you back.
That’s the simple part: knowing the solution.
The reason it’s not easy is because it’s the “who” and the “what” that you are trying to have control over that needs to change.
Right now, you want to be able to control whether the person you love gets better, is happy, and feels loved.
You can’t control that. In fact, when you try to, things get worse. That’s because when you do things for others that they should be doing for themselves, the results are dependent upon you. So if they feel like things are getting better, if they feel happy, if they feel loved - it’s because you are doing things “right.” But if they DON’T feel those things . . . watch out - it’s your fault.
The fact is that another person’s emotional health, success in life, and ability to move forward is THEIR responsibility. Not yours. And if you make it yours - someone who isn’t emotionally healthy will be more than happy to hand over responsibility for that and let you take the blame when they don’t feel good.
The person you need to control is YOU
When you are used to doing things for others, it’s amazing how incredibly difficult it is to do things for yourself - especially if those things lead to a sense that you are abandoning someone, giving up on them, or failing to be there for them. (And even more so when you get accused of these by the other person.)
So what does it mean that you need to control yourself?
You need to stop yourself from trying to help them. I know it feels like abandonment, but it isn’t. What actually happens when you stop helping them is that, for the first time, they get an opportunity to figure out how to help themselves.
When you say “I can’t help you,” you make them aware that the problem isn’t yours - it’s theirs. And a few things will happen:
They will have to face their own problem instead of being able to blame someone else or something else for it
They will have to figure out how to solve it themselves
They will have to take control of themselves instead of trying to get you to be in control
They won’t be able to get angry with you when things don’t go as planned
Now, when I say these things will happen, what I mean is that, the reality is, these things will happen. What I don’t mean is that the other person will ACCEPT that these things are happening. So be prepared for pushback.
If they don’t like that you have decided not to help them, then they will use all kinds of tactics to try to get you to be the kind of person you were before. They liked the old you: you were enabling, you were their rock, you were their savior, you were their punching bag, you were their slave. They believe they need you to be all of that. If you aren’t, then that means that their life is their responsibility and everything is going to fall apart. Because they’ve never had to do it on their own.
Now you know, don’t you, that the best thing for someone is to be able to know how to solve their own problems, achieve their own successes, and learn to be happy without depending on anyone else. You know that’s true, right? That’s how you’ve learned to live life.
Yet, somehow, that has translated into you being happy not only when you’re solving your own problems but when you’re helping other people solve their problems, too. And you’re not only happy when you achieve your own success - your success becomes measured by whether you help other people achieve their success, too.
You’ve made the person you’re with dependent on you
It feels good to help people, but by doing everything for them, you make them dependent on you. It’s no wonder that their failures are your fault - not only in their eyes, but in your eyes as well.
When you put control of their life back where it belongs - in their hands - then you are left with only one person’s situations to control . . . . your own.
And it’s in this that you will find yourself able to pull yourself out of your depression and get your life back.
It’s simple, but it’s not easy.
Here’s how:
Decide to let them be an adult
No parent is perfect, so everyone enters adulthood missing things that they need to have as an adult. And, as an adult, there is no more parent to provide them with the strength, significance, or security they should have gotten as a child. They have to find that within themselves now. And no one else can provide that. If you try to love them into the strength, significance, or security they need as an adult, all you are doing is being a parent and making them dependent on you at a time in their lives when they need to become independent. Decide to let them be an adult. [Get my workbook on how to heal those childhood wounds]
Figure out what you are responsible for in the relationship and what they are responsible for.
When you get clear on what’s your responsibility and what’s theirs, you will be able to feel confident setting boundaries and handing over to them the things that are their responsibility.
Set boundaries
Let them know that things are going to change. Tell them that you realize that you’ve deprived them of the satisfaction of being able to learn how to solve problems themselves and love themselves. Let them know what dynamics of the relationship will no longer be acceptable to you (for example: yelling, the silent treatment, unemotional sex, cleaning up after them . . . whatever that is for you). [Click here for my guide to setting boundaries]
Be prepared to enforce boundaries
Change is hard - especially when it’s happening to a person against their will. If the person you’re with doesn’t respond well to your new way of doing things, you will get a lot of CRAP (Criticism, Rejection, Abandonment, and Punishment). Don’t let that cause you to change direction and go back. You don’t want to go back there! That’s why you’re going this way.
Think through what is in your control in terms of consequences. Ask yourself “I can’t make someone do something, but what CAN I do? - What DO I have control over?” Start with small consequences and make them increasingly more difficult to swallow if they are not respected. The guide at the link above will help you.
Get support
You are going to doubt yourself. You are going to feel like maybe you shouldn’t be doing this. You are going to wonder if this could completely destroy your relationship.
You need support through this. You need someone to remind you of the reasons that you’re doing it (emotional health, a chance at a healthy relationship, a better life). You need someone to help you think through boundaries and consequences. You need someone to back you up and tell you that you aren’t crazy. You need someone to be a reality check for you.
If you don’t have support, you can get some here.
When you get control back, the depression may lift
As you align your relationship with the natural laws of relationships, everything will come more into alignment for you - including your mental and emotional health. And you will understand that . . . .
hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .
Need some help with your relationship?
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