10 Biblical Principles For Relationships
Maybe you've tried to do all the right things in your relationship but it continues as it always has - or even gets worse.
The love and sacrifice you show is not reciprocated.
Your generosity is taken advantage of.
Your humility is used against you to get you to try harder.
And your encouragement and affirmation are never enough.
You continue to be patient, keep trying, and pray, believing those who tell you that eventually things will get better as long as you trust God and keep doing "what God wants."
But what if I told you that God's will for you isn't limited to trying harder and praying?
Maybe you've embraced mantras like:
"be the change that you want to see"
"turn the other cheek"
"you have to forgive"
"always believe the best"
"only speak positively about your spouse"
"be the mature one"
"it takes two"
"just hang in there and trust God"
Supernatural Miracles
As Christians who believe in amazing and supernatural moves of God, we can easily become enamored with the miracles that God can do and the "power of Christ within us" . . . . and we can lose sight of the fact that we cannot make miracles happen just by praying and having faith and calling on God's power within us. If we try to do that and it doesn't "work," soon we start to feel that the power of Christ within is us is not very powerful or that we are somehow failing in our relationship with God or in our faith. That's because God does the miracles when we do our part (and your spouse does their part).
Sometimes we believe that God will do a miracle to get us out of a bad situation or to make our lives better or even to allow us to escape the consequences of our actions. But...
God's miracles are designed to affirm our faith or the faith of others - not to make our lives better.
His miracles often require some action on our part - action that shows that we have an understanding of his character and his design for us and for relationships.
And God's miracles will never override a person's free will (the free will your spouse has to choose not to humble himself/herself in order to receive the miracle).
God doesn't expect us to be supernatural or to have supernatural faith - he just wants us to do our part - the "natural" part, and leave the "supernatural" part up to him. That's what this article is about. You will gain a perspective on 10 natural laws for relationships that reveal how God designed relationships to work.
You'll also learn that, when you try to work against God's design, you're trying to play God - to be better than he is, more forgiving than he is, more tolerant than he is, more supernatural than he is. But when you abide by these guidelines that he gives us, you show God that you have an understanding of how he created things and you are willing to work within those parameters in order to allow HIM room to work (instead of trying to do his work for him of changing hearts).
When you start aligning yourself with God's design for relationships, you will find that your relationship begins to change so that you can live in peace with each other - the way God intended.
Let's start with an illustration of an easy-to-understand design that God created in order to understand the importance of adhering to God's design.
The Natural Law Of Gravity
Gravity is a natural law that God created to bring order and prevent chaos. Here’s how the law of gravity works: When something goes up, the gravity brings it back down. Can you imagine the chaos in the air if things went up but didn't come back down?! The law of gravity brings order and prevents chaos.
What if you decide to try to avoid abiding by the law of gravity? You get hurt! If you jump off a tall building, hoping to break the law of gravity and fly away on your own willpower, it's going to hurt when you hit the ground.
You could pray for a miracle (and God might do one), but he also might just want you to learn that the law of gravity is there for a reason (to prevent chaos and disorder).
In a similar way, God has designed relationships in a way that is intended to prevent chaos and harm in our relationships. And when we try to work against God's design, we get hurt.
Our responsibility is to engage realistically within the natural realm that we are living in and leave the supernatural up to God. Only God can do what is supernatural. So with that in mind, let's look at 10 ways to “do the natural and leave the ‘super’ up to God.”
1. Embrace freedom: “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Galatians 5:1)
Before Jesus came to save us, we were not free. We were a slave to sin - to selfishness, to idolatry, to lies, to gratifying our own sinful desires. When Jesus sets us free, we are released from the feeling of bondage that comes from the confusion of not knowing how to live in a way that brings joy and a sense of peace.
The freedom that Jesus brings us lets us know that we are children of a good God who loves us no matter what and who knows that we aren’t perfect but whose love compels us to look to him and only him for guidance toward being more like Christ.
God doesn’t condemn us for who we are or the things we do, for “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ.” He doesn’t get angry with us. He doesn’t treat us as slaves who better follow his commands. And he tells us that we shouldn’t let others do that to us, either. Galatians 5:1 says that we have been set free and should not allow ourselves to burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
When you allow your spouse to tell you what you should do and how you should think, you are allowing yourself to be enslaved by your spouse. You know this is true because their demands to align with what they say feel like a heavy burden that is difficult to bear.
It does not align with the “natural” when you become enslaved to your spouse’s needs, whims, or demands. That’s not how God created relationships to be. You do not have to do what your spouse tells you to do. You are not your spouse’s slave. You have been set free in Christ. And Christ’s yoke is easy and his burden is light: he is gracious and compassionate, patient and forgiving. Do not allow yourself to be burdened with your spouse’s demands. Hold fast to Christ and stand firm in the freedom that he gives you to walk out your life in him the way you feel called to, not the way your spouse calls you to.
When you live in the freedom you have in Christ, you are living in the natural way of how God created things to be, and you then leave room for the supernatural results that you hope for (e.g. your spouse to change, your marriage to get better, etc.) up to God.
2. Actions have consequences: “God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction” (Galatians 6:7,8)
From the very beginning of humanity, God gave us freedom to choose. When he set Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, he gave them the freedom to make their own choices, including the freedom to choose to trust his good directions (“don’t eat from the Tree of Knowledge”) or to choose to do things their own way. They chose not to trust God’s wise command and go their own way instead. And they experienced the natural consequences of that choice: separation from God and no more access to the Tree of Life (i.e. death). Romans 6:23 says “the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
You see, we are free to choose, but we are not free from the consequences of our choices. You aren’t, and your spouse isn’t. When you choose to overlook your spouse’s sin, the consequence is that your spouse will not take sin seriously. (S)he will make excuses for it, blame you or something else for it, minimize it, deny it, and continue to do it. That’s the consequences of your choice to overlook it.
If your spouse chooses to sin against you (criticizing you, demeaning you, demanding things from you), your spouse should be experiencing the consequences of their actions. They’ve freely chosen to behave in that manner, so they are choosing the consequences that come with it. Galatians 6:7,8 says “God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction.”
But if you make it so that they can avoid the consequences of their choices, then you are getting in the way of the law of sowing and reaping and you are playing God (by trying to live as though you are supernatural and can control outcomes by your kindness, forgiveness, graciousness, etc.) - you are violating that natural law of “actions have consequences” - and you are going to get hurt. And you are getting hurt, aren’t you? It hurts that no matter what you do things aren’t getting better.
Stop trying to rescue your spouse from the consequences of their sin. Allow them to experience the consequences that flow from the choices they make. That’s the freedom that God gives you, and it’s the freedom you should give your spouse. It’s the loving thing to do. It means that you do the natural and leave the super up to God.
3. Rescue is for the grateful, wrath is for those who show contempt for kindness: those who “show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance, and patience… are storing up wrath against themselves” (Romans 2:4,5)
God rescues us only when we receive his rescue with the gratefulness that comes from recognizing the devastation of our sin and the subsequent feeling of being compelled by his love to turn from our sin and rest in the arms of a loving God.
Is that your spouse’s attitude toward you when you rescue your spouse from the consequences of their sin? When you make it all better are they grateful and express godly sorrow over what they’d done and do everything they can to make it up to you and change their thinking and behavior so that they never do it again?
If your spouse does not see your love, then rescue is not what they need. They don’t need you to “cover a multitude of sins” that allows them to get away with one after another - that’s not the natural result of sin. Rather, when your spouse sins against you again and again, they show contempt for the riches of your kindness, forbearance, and patience, not realizing that kindness is intended to lead [them] to repentance; and so, “because of their stubbornness and unrepentant heart, they are storing up wrath against themselves" (Romans 2).
Proverbs 19:19 says “a hot-tempered person must pay the penalty; rescue them and you will have to do it again.” So stop letting your spouse get away with sinning against you. Stop making it so that they can avoid the consequences of their actions. Rescue is for the grateful. Consequences are for the ungrateful. That’s how God designed it to be.
4. Give freedom: “If the unbeliever leaves, let it be so” (1 Corinthians 7: 15)
We already talked about “embracing” the freedom that you have. On the other side of that freedom coin, you should also “give” freedom. Just as Adam and Eve had the freedom to choose against God, your spouse also has the freedom to choose against you. Allow them that freedom. Every time you try to convince them to see your perspective, explain yourself when it’s clear they aren’t interested, try to get them to try harder in the marriage, set a boundary to get them to change, get upset with them for not being a godly spouse, or try to manipulate them, you are trying to limit the freedom that they have to choose against you.
You want them to choose you. You want them to choose the marriage. But when their actions repeatedly indicate that they aren’t interested in partnering with you, doing their part, having a mutual respect for you, or loving or cherishing you, don’t keep trying to make them be interested and invested in the relationship. Let them go. That’s the freedom that God gives us and that he requires us to give to others.
What does “let them go” look like? It looks like allowing the separation to happen that they are creating in the relationship. It means not moving toward them when their words and actions are pushing you away. It means not giving them the benefits of a relationship (affection and closeness, sex, cleaning up after them, doing their laundry or dishes, etc.) when they aren’t putting in the effort it takes to maintain that relationship.
5. Accept and adapt to reality: “whoever lives by the truth comes into the light” (John 3:21)
We often live out our relationships as though all our dreams will come true if only we believe. Like a fairy tale, if only we could rescue or be rescued, then we would feel loved. If only we could love hard enough or long enough, then we would be satisfied in our relationship. If only we wait long enough, then the frog we’re kissing will turn into a prince (or princess).
But, listen… If you want a prince, you have to stop kissing frogs. The reality is that frogs don’t turn into princes. You have to accept the reality of who it is that you’re dealing with in order to know how to deal with them appropriately. And kissing up to someone who isn’t changing will not turn out the way you want it to no matter how hard you try or how long you wait.
Often people cling to unrealistic ideas because they are the way things are supposed to be. When God created man and woman, they were supposed to live “happily ever after” (note the Tree of Life that they were eating from). It was a match made in Paradise - literally. So when you imagine what your marriage could be, you imagine it the way God intended it. But you have to face the reality that sin entered the world, and things are not what they should be. And they can’t become what they were intended to be without both people submitting to God and returning to a right relationship with him. “Without faith it is impossible to please God” (Hebrews 11:6), so your relationship cannot be one that pleases God unless both you and your spouse look to him in faith.
If your spouse is not in love with God, then they aren’t in love with you, either. 1 John 4:8 says “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” Only in God can we know love. Be realistic about what’s true in your relationship because “whoever lives by the truth comes into the light” (John 3:21). If you aren’t willing to accept the truth about your relationship, then you are participating in the lie, and 1 Timothy 5:22 says “do not share in the sins of others.”
6. Be aware that there are wolves among the sheep: ““They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them” (Matthew 7:15-19)
Not everyone who claims to be a believer is actually a believer (Matthew 7:21-23). Do not be deceived. 1 John 3:10 says “This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not God’s child, nor is anyone who does not love their brother and sister.” And 1 John 4:20 says “Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.”
If your spouse claims to be a believer but, by their lack of love and by their fruit it is clear that (s)he is not, then do not treat them as a believer. “They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.”
So what should you do? 1 Corinthians 5:11 says “you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.” Rather, “hand them over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh that that their spirit might be saved on the day of the Lord” (1 Corinthians 5:5).
If this sounds harsh, remember that God cuts them down and throws them into the fire, so do not think that you can (or should) try to be kinder than God.
7. You are responsible TO others, but you are not responsible FOR others: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ (loving others). Each one should test their own actions so that they can take pride in themselves, for each one should carry their own load.” (Galatians 6:2,5)
Each person in a relationship is responsible to the other. This means that you are responsible to do your part in the relationship. You are responsible to be a safe person, meaning that you don’t manipulate or lie or pretend or criticize. You are responsible to give honest feedback, speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), even if doing so upsets your partner (Galatians 4:16). You are responsible to work cooperatively and in “peace with them as far as it depends on you” (Romans 12:18). You are responsible to gently point out sin (Galatians 6:1). You are responsible to carry each other’s burdens (i.e. things too heavy for one person to carry on their own, for example: dealing with illness, being a widow or an orphan).
However, you are not responsible FOR each other. You are not responsible for your spouse’s “load” (i.e. the things that belong to them and that are theirs to carry: their salvation or relationship with Christ, their level of stress, their happiness, their satisfaction, their sense of significance, their emotional security, their bills, their financial situation, their health).
If you are with someone who seems to be having trouble carrying their own load, that doesn’t mean that you have to help them carry it, even if they try to get you to help them. Often, a person might try to make their partner responsible for their load, even justifying their reason for doing so by claiming that Scripture says they have to. They’ll say you have to be submissive, you have help them, you have be respectful, you have to have sex with them, you have to honor their authority. The implication is that they will be happy or less stressed or satisfied (and not upset with you) if you do those things. In doing this, they make you responsible for the things they are responsible for.
The teachers of the law did this to people. They told them that they had to do certain things, and they used scripture to justify it. By their demands and justifications they “devour widows houses” (Mark 12:40) and “tie up heavy loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to life a finger to move them” (Matthew 23:4). There is a double standard: you have to do certain things, but they don’t have to do them.
When others try to load you down with rules and expectations, get clear on what it means to be responsible TO someone but not responsible FOR someone. Don’t take on your partner’s responsibility to do their part in their own life. Let them manage their own tasks, schedule, finances, and emotions, as well as their own part in the relationship (even if they aren’t doing it well).
If you try to help them or take responsibility for things that they are responsible for, not only will you be depriving them of the opportunity to learn from things they’re not doing well, it will also have a negative effect on the relationship, because no one is entitled to the benefits of a relationship without putting forth the effort it takes to maintain it. Your partner needs to do their part. If they don’t, the relationship suffers. Let it suffer. Don’t rescue. You aren’t responsible for 100% of the relationship.
8. Unconditional love does not equal unconditional relationship: “I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees, and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you. But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, I declare to you that you will certainly be destroyed” (Deuteronomy 30:15-18).
Many people would have you think that if you unconditionally love someone you will give them an unending number of chances to love you back, unending forgiveness, and unending relationship. But unconditional love does not mean unconditional relationship. When someone’s words or behavior are damaging the relationship through abuse, manipulation, or any of these tactics, you can continue to love them, but you don’t have to continue to try to hold the relationship together when they’ve already broken covenant with you. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to allow their choices to separate them from a relationship with you.
God is the best example of this, because this is the kind of love that God has for us. God loves everyone and desires a relationship with us all, but when people mistreat him, profane his name, reject his kindness, and mock his sacrifice, he doesn’t shower them with affection or run after them, trying harder to earn their love or be in relationship with them.
In Mark 10:17-22 we see a rich young man come to Jesus to ask him what he must do to get into heaven. Jesus identifies the outward signs of a love for God (obeying his commands) and the young man declares that he has done all of those things. But, knowing his heart and loving him enough to tell him the truth, Jesus “looked at him and loved him” and tells him that one thing he lacks: the man’s love for his money holds him back from fully loving God, so he must be willing to give up all he has to follow Jesus. The man walks away. And Jesus quickly runs up to him and says “no, I didn’t mean it. It’s not that hard. Just give up a little at a time. Give God a chance to prove that he loves you, and you’ll see that following him isn’t that hard.”
Um…. no. Jesus doesn’t do that. He just lets him walk away.
When people reject God, he doesn’t reduce his standards, beg for love, or chase after people who are walking away. He loves us well by giving us the freedom to choose against him if that’s what we want.
If your spouse is rejecting your concerns about your relationship and running from the responsibility they have to do their part to make the relationship what they promised at the altar that it would be (one of unconditional love), then it is not Christlike to run after them, to try to make it easier on them, or to allow them to shift responsibility or blame onto you. Jesus maintains his standards and allows people to leave if they don’t like it. In a marriage, this can look like allowing your spouse’s lack of connection and effort in the marriage to create distance emotionally, physically, and sexually.
9. Reasons are not excuses: “Although they know God’s righteous decree that who who do such things deserve death, they continue to do these very things” (Romans 1:32)
Your spouse may have had a difficult childhood. They may be struggling with a mental health disorder. Maybe they drink too much or use drugs. And that’s why they act the way they do and say the things they do.
But, listen. Those may be reasons for their behavior, but they are not excuses. Mistreating you, being disrespectful, or making you responsible for how they feel… there is no excuse for that.
That’s nice and empathetic of you to understand that there’s a reason for your spouse’s behavior, but if you let reasons become excuses, you’re saying that it’s OK if they mistreat you, as long as they have a reason for it. That would be like saying that if someone has the mental health disorder of pedophilia (having sex with children) and, because it’s a disorder and they can’t help it, they should be allowed to work in a day care center or in the children’s ministry at church. No! No one in their right mind would allow that!
Just because someone has reasons for why they are the way they are, that does not make their behavior OK. You do not have to continue to subject yourself to their behavior just because they have reasons for it. 1 Corinthians 5:2 says, regarding sin in the fellowship of believers, “shouldn’t you put out of your fellowship the man who has been doing this?”
We are told (and shown) throughout Scripture that we are not to tolerate sin. Proverbs 17:15 says “Acquitting the guilty and condemning the innocent - the Lord detests them both.” Matthew 18:17 says that, after you’ve pointed out someone’s sin, if they do not repent, "treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Ephesians 5:11 says “have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness but, rather, expose them.”
You may think it’s godly to give people the benefit of the doubt, to overlook sin, and to forgive over and over, but even God doesn’t do that. God holds us accountable for our sin. Yes, those who trust in him will, ultimately, not have to experience the wages of sin, but that isn’t because we’re not being held accountable - it’s because someone has already paid the punishment for our sin and took accountability for it, and we received that gift with thankfulness and a life surrendered to the one who took our punishment for us. But you cannot be your spouse’s savior. If you don’t hold your spouse accountable for their sin, they will turn you into their twisted version of God, tell you what you should do “if you’re a good person,” and blame you if things aren’t going well. It’s not your job to let your spouse off the hook for their sin. Don’t try to play God or be more kind, more forgiving, more graceful, or more powerful than God.
10. Know God’s will: “Do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is” (Ephesians 5:17)
Many people assume that just because God instituted marriage and, misquoting Scripture, that God hates divorce, that his will is that you need to remain married forever, even if someone is not participating in the marriage in the way they promised to when they took their vows.
Beloved, just as you would want your own children to have a godly marriage, God wants that for his children, too. And if your marriage isn’t godly, and your spouse has broken their vow to love, honor, and cherish you, then God does not intend for you to continue to try to force something to work that isn’t working.
Many people, in an effort to avoid divorce, live with a contemptuous spouse - some in hopes that their spouse will change, some in subjugation to the idea that they have to suffer through it. They prefer to keep trying to get someone to change, giving them chance after chance for years on end. They can’t tolerate the relationship the way it is, and they have ample evidence that their spouse isn’t going to change, but they don’t believe that ending the relationship aligns with God’s will, and so they keep trying, or they give up and suffer silently.
But that is not God’s will for his children. God’s will for you is:
that you are free and not a slave (Gal 4: 9)
that there be no fear in love (1 John 4: 18)
that love does no harm (Romans 13: 10)
that you be treated with consideration and respect (1 Peter 3: 7)
that you not be treated harshly (Col 3: 19)
that you not tolerate anyone who enslaves you or exploits you or takes advantage of you or puts on airs or slaps you in the face (2 Corinthians 11: 20)
that you are not to pervert grace into a license for immorality (Jude 1:4)
and that you speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4: 15)
If your spouse is not keeping their vows to love and honor and cherish you, and it’s causing harm to the relationship, God does not expect you to stay married, tolerating your spouse’s sin, and overlooking the harm that’s coming to you and to them. In fact, God doesn’t even view a broken marriage covenant as a marriage anymore. Matthew 19:9 says that “anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” The only reason a person can dismiss their covenant [the definition of divorce] is if their spouse has already broken covenant by committing adultery. If you have been faithful to your spouse and your spouse is dismissing their covenant with you (by failing to love and cherish) then they have divorced themselves from you and are sinning against you. [Read more about that in my article on divorce]
Your spouse might try to convince you that you can’t leave the relationship because it’s not biblical for you to do, but their actions are telling you that they have no intention of living peaceably with you (1 Corinthians 7:12,13). So “do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is” (Ephesians 5:17)
When you abide by the natural order of things as God designed them to be, you avoid playing God and trying to make things happen. Instead you right yourself in alignment with God’s design and do just your part, leaving room for God to work. So just do the natural and leave the super up to God. And when you do, you begin to see that…..
Hope is not found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation….
