Bad Husband, Good Father? (Helping your child when your marriage is difficult)

Sometimes a woman will tell me that her husband doesn’t treat her well but he’s still a good dad - and I wonder how she came to that conclusion - and what is the consequence for her children if she’s wrong.

When someone has a history and pattern of displaying bad character [access all 40+ tactics of bad character], even if it appears that it is only directed at you, it’s very likely a character issue and not a behavior that can be turned on and off.

A behavior is a choice that a person makes to act a certain way. That behavior can look kind and considerate while the underlying motivation behind is it selfish. And while it might seem that the underlying motivation doesn’t matter as long as that person is treating someone well, the problem lies in that the behavior is a mask - and a person can’t wear a mask forever - eventually the mask comes off. And it’s then that you recognize the game - and you were the pawn. And it hurts. You don’t want to subject your children to that.

Character, on the other hand, is who a person is - it’s the underlying motivation behind why a person does something. Some people do things to be kind because they care about other people. Other people do things to be kind because they care about themselves, their reputation, or their ability to get something in return. These selfish motivations do not make for a good father.

Good behavior from someone with bad character will produce bad results.

Matthew 7:18 says “a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.”

So while it may look like he is a good dad (spending time with the kids, buying things for them, etc.), if he is emotionally unhealthy, it is all a façade and a means to an end - a way to protect his reputation, his fear of failure or rejection, or his selfishness. Anyone can adjust behavior to achieve the result they want, but good character isn’t revealed by what he does but rather by who he is. [Here is a list of traits that show good character]

When you subject your children to unhealthy relationships for the sake of common belief statements like “he’s your father,” you are teaching children that they have to put up with emotionally unhealthy people. It sends the message to the child that their feelings don’t matter (and they shouldn’t trust their feelings), that they can’t say “no” or set boundaries, and that they have to tolerate someone whose behavior is not tolerable.

Imagine what children grow up to be like when they don’t trust their feelings, when they don’t set boundaries, and when they tolerate unacceptable behavior. They end up in dysfunctional relationships and heartache, repeating the same cycle as their parents. [Get my resource on raising emotionally healthy children]

In order to break the cycle, children must be protected from unhealthy relationships whenever possible, must be taught how to protect themselves, and must be allowed to have the authority to reject people who are unhealthy. There should be no such thing as “you have to stay in this unhealthy relationship.”

And children, even at a young age (infants, even), can sense integrity. They can tell if they are being bamboozled, manipulated, or treated poorly. (Children are probably better at discerning this than adults are.) They need to be affirmed that they can trust their instincts and will be protected to the extent that you are able.

And when they are required to continue contact with an emotionally unhealthy parent, you can teach them to guard their hearts by . . .

Affirming to them what they know to be true
Not pretending that things are OK when they’re not
Letting them know that they are not alone
Teaching them what is OK and what is not without being accusatory or slanderous
Helping them know how to protect themselves by setting boundaries
Being an example of an emotionally healthy adult who doesn’t exploit or control others
Helping them grieve the loss of a good parent-child relationship
Staying grounded in reality
Modeling a healthy relationship with them

If you have to protect yourself from your husband, it makes sense that you would have to protect your children from him, too. And it IS your responsibility to protect and provide for your children. You are their first experience of what God is like as a good Father. You don’t want to taint that by being a parent who says that they have to allow themselves to be subjected to the destructive tactics of their father.

Please know that this is not about alienating them from their father for the purpose of revenge. This is about protecting your children while giving your husband the opportunity to learn how to maintain a relationship with them without your help.

An emotionally healthy, mature person knows how to pursue and maintain relationships. If their father truly is healthy, he will not lose his relationship with his children. Even if he is not allowed contact with them, there are plenty of things that a father can do to show his children that he loves them:

do things for them without expecting anything in return
give them gifts without expectation
continue to provide for them generously through child support and health insurance
gladly do what it takes to make sure they are taken care of
take responsibility for any poor behavior on his part
sincerely and specifically apologize for how he has caused harm
lead by example
help pay for activities, a car, or college
write letters
show a desire to hear (and honor) his child’s perspective

There are so many ways to keep a connection with children. If he is healthy, he can do those.

If he accuses you of parental alienation or blames you for the rift in his relationship with his children, he isn’t showing good character or the emotional capacity to pursue and maintain relationships on his own.

And remember that, even though it is hard to stand by while a father struggles to pursue a relationship with his children on his own, it is in the struggle that character has a chance to grow. And no matter how it turns out, in the end . . .

hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .