Who Said Boundaries Aren't Biblical?
I used to believe that boundaries aren’t biblical. Can you believe it?
In fact, I was so well-trained by my husband to be absorbed in him that the first time I learned about boundaries I thought it was abhorrent that anyone would suggest setting limits on what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior from my husband. I thought that there should be no boundary between my husband and me. We were one. And my boundary was to be inside his boundary.
And it was. His boundaries extended to completely engulf me. Which sounded like a romantic idea until I felt like he was constantly reining me in despite my efforts to do everything right until I wasn’t even sure what he wanted me to do. Nothing pleased him. Not only could I not be me, I couldn’t be what he wanted, either.
That’s when I gave boundaries a second glance, and that’s when they started to make sense.
It can be difficult to transform your thinking from “I am one with my spouse and must do what my spouse says” to “I am still a separate person and have a right (and an obligation as a child of God) to my uniqueness.”
Take note that the people who get upset with you for having boundaries are those who benefit from you having none.
Boundaries allow you to own what is yours rather than giving that right of ownership to someone else (your spouse, for example). If you start owning yourself, then your spouse doesn’t own you anymore. And, for some spouses, that means they don’t have control over you. The thought of you not doing what your spouse says could be frightening to them for a number of reasons:
They might believe that they are responsible for your spiritual condition, and if they don’t control you, then they don’t control that, and then they aren’t going to be in good standing with God. [Read my article on husband as leader]
Your spouse might believe that the way to achieve oneness is to think alike, and, since your spouse isn’t going to think like you (especially if you are a wife your husband thinks he’s the leader and thinks that means he has to be in control), then the only way to achieve oneness is for you to think like them.
Your spouse might feel that they will lose control over the children if they don’t control you (especially if your spouse isn’t able to nurture heir own relationship with the children and relies on you to create that bond between him/her and the children).
Your spouse might not get their “needs” met if they can’t control you.
Your spouse might not have control over the finances if he/she can’t control you.
Your spouse might not get their way with everything if they can’t control you
Your spouse might know that you have the ability to survive without him/her and might feel threatened by that, knowing that he/she doesn’t have the ability to survive (emotionally or otherwise) without you
Your spouse might not have a place to sleep at night if he/she can’t control you (deep down, the realization of this could be a very real thing!)
Whatever the reason, your spouse may not be able to comprehend that it is OK for you to maintain your unique self as a child of God. And so your spouse says boundaries aren’t Biblical so that you don’t start believing in them and implementing them.
So . . . that begs the question:
Are boundaries Biblical?
Here is how I find the answer to every question about what is OK and what isn’t – I ask: Does God do it?
I want to be like my Master. I want to imitate His character. He is the perfect parent, the perfect husband, the perfect friend, the perfect judge. I look up to Him. Jesus said that it is enough for a slave to be like his master and a student to be like his teacher. I want to be like Him. So, what does He do?
Does God use boundaries? Oh, does He ever!
The first thing He did when He created people was to clarify that they were allowed to eat from every tree except one. He set that boundary to protect them (from death, He said!).
They violated it. There was a consequence.
Wow, does that sound like what might need to happen in your life?!
And we see that over and over throughout the rest of the Bible. God’s children are told what is OK and what is not OK. When they respect God’s boundaries, the consequences are good. When they violate his boundaries, the consequences are painful.
Even the very foundation of the Gospel is built upon boundaries:
Sin (violations of the boundaries God set), separates us from Him. When we fully understand that, we are able to see that God is just and that we are sinners. We are sorrowful and repentant. Then, we realize that God offers us forgiveness and a chance to be reconciled to Him. We run to Him with open arms, thankful for His love. And from then on, we never want to be separated from him again!
But what can happen? We can start to forget that God’s boundaries protect us, and we start ignoring them. God gives us the freedom to do that. He doesn’t stop us. Love is built on freedom. But God is just: He lets us experience the painful consequences. They drive us back to Him!
That was the story of God’s people, Israel, and it is the story of God’s people today.
Justice and grace show us that we are loved.
Isn’t that really all you want: for your spouse to know that he/she is loved and for him/her to love you back? That’s why we need boundaries. It’s how we come to know God’s love; and it’s our only chance for our spouse to know our love and respond to it. (Wondering what behavior is OK and what isn’t or how your spouse will respond to boundaries or what to do when your spouse violates a boundary?)
If you still doubt whether boundaries are Biblical, do what the Bible tells us to do in Acts 17: 11 - search the Scriptures to see whether what I am saying is true. In fact, as you may have heard me say before, don’t give anyone but God authority over you. Don’t let me tell you what to believe. Discover God’s Word for yourself!
And be blessed.
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