No doubt you’ve seen many messages about what love is: romance, infatuation, sex, going through difficult times together, being committed, saying the words “I love you,” diamonds, or even faithfulness. But none of those really define love.

Some people would say that love is giving yourself up for someone else. But what does that mean? What do you give up? Your dreams? Your money? Your body? Your job? Your friends?

When you cater to someone and deny yourself over and over, you become a slave to the one you’ve made your master.

That’s not love.

But these are some of the lengths that people go to in order to prove their “love” to someone.

While feeding someone’s selfishness might feel self-sacrificing and loving, it is not good for them (or you). And it’s not love.

Love is doing what needs to be done in order for someone to have a chance to get closer to God and be the version of themselves that God made them to be.

When you put someone else’s needs first, it should be not what they think their needs are but, rather, what they actually need in order to be able to get closer to God and the version of themselves that God made them to be.

And what they need might not be what they want. And it might mean sacrificing what you’d hoped for in the relationship in order to do what’s right.

God is the best example of this, of course. The Bible tells us that God IS love. Everything about his character and his actions are loving. (Read about Jesus’ actions toward others - you might see things you hadn’t noticed before!) He wants what is best for you (despite what we think is best) and does what needs to be done in order to make it possible for you to know him and be all that he wants you to be.

Above the multitude of ways that God does this is through the atoning death of Jesus, his sacrifice for you so that you could be free from slavery to sin and be made into his image, living the way he intended for you when he created humans and put them in the Garden of Eden.

Can we, as humans, really know what someone else needs? God has given us guidelines so that we can know (not perfectly, but in submission to the knowledge that God’s got your back).

What are some things that you might have to do in order to really love your spouse?

Set limits on unacceptable behavior
Carry out consequences
Allow your spouse to feel the pain of their decisions without trying to fix it or rescue them
Deal realistically with situations rather than responding in a way that you hope smooths things over
Give up your hopes and dreams for what the relationship could be and respond according to what it is
Protect your safety, sanity, and security
Be truthful with yourself and others, including your spouse

The truth will set you free. And there is freedom in love.

That brings us to the other side of the coin:

How can you tell if you are loved?

Often, we spend so much time trying to act right, trying to be an example of maturity, and thinking about how we can change and grow, that we fail to hold our spouse accountable for their responsibility to us. Our default is to apply all messages to ourselves in order to determine how we can change and be better. We spend so much time trying to see things from others’ perspectives, that we fail to validate our own perspective. And your perspective is valid.

How you feel matters.

In fact, feelings are like the warning lights that go on in our cars when something is wrong with the car. When the light goes on, we should pull over and look under the hood (or in the manual) - we shouldn’t take a hammer and smash the light. But that’s often what we do. We dismiss or excuse the behaviors that triggered those feelings, telling ourselves that it’s not a big deal or that we should take the log out of our own eye first or that we aren’t without fault or even that your spouse just had a tough day/week/childhood/life.

But when we ignore or dismiss our feelings, we lose touch with realistic expectations that keep the relationship balanced and mutual. And we will only be treated as well as we treat ourselves. If we dismiss our feelings and our perception of reality, then our spouse will dismiss that, too. If we view our perspectives as valid, then we will naturally require others to recognize our perspective, too. And that is healthy.

Is your spouse working hard to love you, too?

Let’s apply this message of love to someone other than you. You are working hard to be a loving spouse. Is your spouse working hard at it, too? Is your spouse gentle with you? Does your spouse honor your opinions and validate your perspective? Is your spouse kind and generous and not easily angered?

If the answer to any of those questions is anything but a resounding “yes,” then you have some thinking to do.

Here are some things to consider:

a relationship should be mutual, each spouse selflessly giving of themselves and taking responsibility for how the relationship is going
there is freedom in love (Galatians 5: 1): you should feel free to have your own opinions, thoughts, feelings, and activities without feeling pressure (bondage) to be what your spouse wants or expects
love does no harm (Romans 13: 10): a spouse who loves you will not cause harm to those they’re supposed to love
man’s anger does not produce the righteous life that God desires (James 1: 20): if your spouse gets their way because they gets angry, it isn’t righteousness that is being produced, it’s fear
there is no fear in love (1 John 4: 18): if you feel like you’re walking on eggshells or always wondering what more you need to do to keep your spouse’s anger at bay, then you are living in fear instead of in the freedom of a spouse’s love
your spouse should see your perspective and value you above themselves (Philippians 2: 3) as much as you do the same for them

If you’re having a hard time wrapping your brain around this because it feels selfish to expect that your spouse would treat you as well as you treat them, I get it. Let me help you think this through and develop the relationship that God really intended for you.

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What Is Love? (It’s Probably Not What You Think)