When the winter holidays are upon us, all the romantics have visions of cuddling up together next to the fireplace with a cup of hot cocoa, decorating the tree with your favorite guy or gal, and enjoying the shopping and parties hand in hand.

In spring, the hearts, chocolates, and flowers of Valentine’s Day stir a desire in our hearts for expressions of true love. And the renewal of Easter brings with it the hope of a rejuvenated spirit.

The nostalgic summer months produce imaginings of sitting on a blanket together watching fireworks, entertaining smiling guests at a backyard barbecue, and fun-filled vacations with the kids.

Birthdays, holidays, date nights – all filled with dreams of what could be.

But for some, those dreams are shattered every time. No matter how hard you try to make those special days memorable and filled with love, they always end up in a big fight or with someone being vastly disappointed. And, more often than not, the reason seems to be that you failed to live up to the expectations of that “favorite guy/gal” of yours.

And what about your spouse fulfilling your expectations? Why does it always have to be your spouse’s way? It should work both ways, shouldn’t it?

Yes, it should. And in a healthy marriage, you both gladly spend time fulfilling each other’s dreams and delighting in the happiness of the other. Sure, there are some preferences that you have to give up and some differing opinions to work through, but those things don’t overwhelm the occasion . . . in a healthy marriage.

But for you, they do overwhelm the occasion. The preferences your spouse has: what kind of food he/she wants to eat, how he/she wants you to dress, where he/she wants to go, how much money he/she doesn’t want to spend, how far he/she doesn’t want to drive, what time he/she wants to leave, how long it should take to get ready, how many minutes you are allowed to spend in the shower, how hot the water can be, whether the towel can be put in the laundry or used one more time . . . it gets petty, doesn’t it? And it DOES overwhelm the occasion.

And then there are the ways your spouse lets you know that you disappoint them:

your spouse’s tone with you (angry, or mocking)
their words (“aren’t you going to…?” and “I shouldn’t have to…“ and “that’s not…“)
their body language (the icy stare, or refusal to make eye contact, or the heavy steps, or the rough handling of whatever he/she touches)

All subtle threats that you better do better.

How can you overcome that?

Here are 5 tips to surviving special days:

1. Prepare:

Write down your expectations ahead of time. Write down your spouse’s expectations (the ones you know of – you know there are going to be some that come out of nowhere).
[Heard that you shouldn’t have expectations in marriage? Click here.]
Circle the expectations that are most important to you. Then circle those that you think will be most important to your spouse (Haha! Who am I kidding?! They’re ALL important to your spouse! . . . OK, circle the ones of your spouse’s that you are most willing to honor.)
Decide which of your expectations you could let go of and which ones you absolutely will not (be kind to yourself: don’t be so self-sacrificing that you are willing to forgo all of your expectations if that’s what it takes to make your spouse happy. One: you know it still won’t make him/her happy. Two: that’s not what’s best for your marriage.)
Decide what you will do (what the effect will be) if your spouse refuses to accommodate your most important expectations. Strengthen your resolve to know that it is not disrespectful for you to disagree with your spouse, it is not selfish for you to want something your way, it is not an offense to your spouse’s leadership or honor if you make a decision, it is not OK for your spouse to refuse to take responsibility, and it is good for you and for your spouse when you set boundaries and allow consequences to take place.
And before moving on, review these steps to healthy conflict so you can prepare yourself for the discussion that is about to take place.

2. Talk to your spouse about the expectations you each have

Make sure your timing is good (HALT if either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired).
Resolve to be as kind to yourself as you are to your spouse.
Be prepared to let your spouse know what the consequence will be if he/she doesn’t take some responsibility to help make it a good day for you, too. [Read my article on how responsibility in a marriage should be divided]
Be sure that you embrace the idea that a consequence isn’t a threat to get your spouse to do something, it’s simply the effect of expectations not being met. Being at peace as you think about the possibility of implementing the consequence is an indication that your heart is in the right place. If you feel tense, worked up, angry, or any other strong emotion, it’s a sign that you might be using the consequence as a tool for control, and that’s not good. Take that to God and let Him help you work through it. [Read my article on how to be a peacemaker]

3. If the pleasantness of the occasion starts to break down . . .

immediately pull your spouse aside and let them know that you sense that it is going in the wrong direction and you want to get it back on track.
Be honest about how you feel it’s going and the suggestions you have for improvements.
Take responsibility for your part, but insist that your spouse take responsibility for theirs, too.

4. Be sure that you have devised a plan of escape

If the mood continues to break down, do not feel guilty for politely excusing yourself. You can say something like, “I can tell that I am feeling frustrated with how things are going, and I’m not confident that I can overcome my frustration. I don’t want this special occasion to be ruined for myself or for anyone else. I think it would be best if I said ‘good bye’ and allowed you to enjoy the rest of the day among yourselves.”

Then leave without discussion and without drama - say what you are going to do, then do it.
How? Plan to drive separately so you can leave when you need to. Or maybe you are close enough to walk home. Or maybe you just need to go for a walk and then rejoin the occasion to see if it improves. Perhaps there is a coffee shop nearby where you can sit and reflect. Or call a friend to meet you. Whatever the situation, be sure that you’ve thought about it ahead of time and have a plan for how to excuse yourself.
“But, Abigail, why does leaving have to be the plan?” The simple answer is: because you’ve tried everything else. Haven’t you? You’ve tried appeasing your spouse, being extra pleasant, ignoring the problem, acting like it isn’t a big deal, addressing it outright, arguing, reasoning, giving him/her an attitude, giving him/her the silent treatment, crying, yelling, sulking, getting others to gang up on them, threatening, saying “next time it will be different,” maybe even drinking or some other substance use . . . and none of that works, does it? That’s why it is important to think through the situation ahead of time and decide:
- what you expect [Have you heard that you shouldn’t have expectations in marriage? Click here.]
- how to communicate those expectations clearly
- what the consequence will be if those expectations are not met
- and the logistics of the plan for when the consequence occurs

What if the children are with you?

If the children are with you, be sure to incorporate them into your plans so that they will not be confused by whatever happens. You may want to talk with them alone and say something like this: “Sometimes Mom and Dad get upset with each other when we go places. Today when we go to Grandma’s for your birthday, I don’t want there to be anything that ruins your special day. So if Mom or Dad start getting upset, I decided that I’m going to take a time out (or go home or whatever you decided to do) so that we can enjoy the day as much as possible without anyone being upset. You can stay at Grandma’s with [the other parent], and I’ll be sure to have something special for your birthday when you get home later. OK?”

(Or you might decide that leaving your children with their other parent is too toxic or would be too traumatic for them if you were to leave them, so then you might say “When I leave, you can come with me, and we’ll celebrate your birthday at home; and if [the other parent] wants to celebrate with you later, he/she can do that. Then you’ll have two birthday celebrations!”)

Whatever you do, don’t lie to your children about what is happening. It will confuse them, distort their own sense of reality, and make them unsure of how to handle similar situations themselves (and possibly teach them to be manipulative).

5. Ensure that you have acted with integrity and not out of a desire to control your spouse’s behavior.

If you have done it right you are at peace with your decisions, you have no further expectations as to how your spouse should respond, and you are able to enjoy the rest of your day. You get to this internal peace by making sure that you have prepared yourself by spending time in the Word of God preparing your heart.
If you anticipate that your spouse will be upset with you when you re-unite, prepare yourself emotionally and verbally for how you will handle it.
It does not need to become an argument. You have a right to your decisions just as your spouse has a right to theirs. Your spouse chose, knowing the consequences. There is nothing to talk about.

There is nothing more important than ensuring that you are modeling your relationship with your spouse after God’s relationship with you – with truth and love. Family and friends will not always agree with how you set boundaries and hold your spouse accountable, but people didn’t agree with Jesus, either. And while there were times that the truth made Jesus an enemy to people, Jesus’s closest relationships experienced so much intimacy. That’s what you want.

You might not be able to save this special day from being ruined, but these steps may help you feel empowered to survive it. And your spouse might just learn how to do their part to make the relationship more mutual - and that could improve the outcome of other special days to come. But even if he/she doesn’t, you have still found a healthier way to do relationships. And . . .

Imagine the difference it could make if you knew how to respond to every situation. Wouldn’t it be a relief to have someone in your corner showing you how to bring about the changes you want to see?

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When Every Special Day Is Ruined (5 Survival Tips for Special Days With Your Spouse)