What If He's Not Worthy Of Respect? (I Can't Believe The Advice This Expert Gave)
What if my husband isn’t worthy of respect?
“Respect him anyway.”
That is the message we hear. And that wouldn’t be such bad advice except that the definition of respect has become: say only positive things, affirm the good things he does, don’t say anything negative, do nice things for him regardless of how he treats you.
What a twisted definition of respect!
You’ve probably read all the books: Love & Respect, Sacred Marriage, For Women/Men Only, No More Headaches, The Love Dare, The Five Love Languages, His Needs Her Needs, Fierce Women, . . . the list goes on and on. You want to be a better wife, and you figure you must have more to learn since your marriage isn’t getting any better, so you keep reading.
The advice of so many of these books boils down to this: stop complaining and keep trying – if you keep building him up and affirming him, he will rise to the level of your praise.
I heard a Christian marriage “expert” on a radio program talking about how to respect your husband, and that’s what she was saying: keep speaking positively about your husband. She gave that advice even as women called in to explain situations that should have clearly been recognized as unhealthy, destructive, and abusive. But, rather than telling these women that they were being sinned against and that it’s OK for them to not tolerate sin, this marriage “expert” was telling them to take the focus off of the bad things that their husbands are doing and just think about all the positive things so that you can affirm him and build him up. She gave these women a 30 Day Kindness Challenge: “don’t say anything negative about your husband – only say something positive every day.”
And the next thing she said had me jumping out of my skin. A woman called in and said that her husband was watching porn (and had been for their entire marriage), and she wondered what she should do. This marriage expert told her that she should always respect her husband, even if he’s doing bad things like watching porn. She compared it to this: If you are having a bad day, wouldn’t you still want your husband to love you?
What?!!!! There’s an eternity of difference between habitually watching porn and having a bad day!! (Pun intended!)
Someone who consistently continues in sin, remaining unrepentant, is not equal to someone who had a bad day!!
Why didn’t this marriage “expert” recognize the truth of these women’s situations? Why did she give them the same advice that these women have been trying for years and years – advice that has only made things worse?
She’s blind to the truth. And she’s causing others to remain blind, too. The Bible warns experts who have had situations explained to them and they still do not understand (John 3: 10, 11).
When women take the advice to “respect anyway,” it leads them to think that:
It’s their fault that the marriage isn’t getting better
They somehow have some control over how their husbands behave (if only they could get it right, her husband would treat her better)
Sin should be tolerated
God isn’t helping
And, eventually . . .
It’s hopeless.
This should not be!
Dear friends, you cannot make your marriage better or inspire your husband to treat you with love by being kind to him when he is consistently unkind to you.
If it’s been a pattern, it’s a problem. [Read here about what kind of problem it could be]
“But” you might say “the Bible says that ‘kindness leads you toward repentance’ (Romans 2: 4).” Yes, it does say that. Let’s take a look at that verse.
Romans 2: 4 is not telling you to protect your husband from the consequences of his actions (by tolerating his sin) so that he repents. Rather, it’s telling your husband (those who continue in sin as though they will not be judged) that, if he continues in sin, judgement is coming.
That verse is intended to make your husband aware that God’s kindness, tolerance, and patience in withholding condemnation is intended to give him a chance to repent.
Now what will happen if you protect your husband from the consequences of his sin rather than letting him experience the consequences? What if you tell him only positive things about himself? (Essentially, you lie to him.) Is that kindness? Not at all! It is cruelty. It is going to deprive him of the awareness that he needs to repent and will lead to his judgement and condemnation!
If you are only all positive toward him, he will think he’s doing just fine.
In order for him to be aware of your kindness and God’s, he has to know that he is headed for judgment unless he repents.
What IS the definition of respect?
Ephesians 5: 33 says “the wife must respect her husband.” Let’s discover an accurate definition of respect by looking at how God respects us.
If we choose to do something wrong, God does not make excuses for us, rescue us from the consequences of our actions, or try to control us so that we don’t choose that again.
Let’s say, for example, that we drink alcohol and get drunk. God does not say “You made that choice because you had a bad day. I should have been kinder to you so that your day wasn’t so bad. I don’t want you to hurt, so I’m going to make sure you don’t get a hangover.”
What would happen if God did that? You would learn that you could have the pleasure of doing something wrong without experiencing the consequences of it – and you’d be more likely to do it again.
But God doesn’t do that, obviously. He respects our decision to get drunk AND the consequences that go with it.
Respect isn’t rescuing someone from their wrong behavior or the consequences of it. Nor is it trying to control it by being kinder or more helpful or more affirming.
Respect also isn’t allowing someone to hurt you. Let’s say, for example, that you get angry with God, curse him, and continually turn away from him. God does not remain close to you, showing you favor and blessing your life for his glory. The consequences of attempting to hurt God are that you are no longer close to Him.
We can follow God’s example of respect: giving someone the freedom to choose with the understanding that, with that choice, comes a consequence.
THAT is what respect looks like.
And marriage experts should be grounded in the reality that propagating fantasy by pretending things are a certain way when clearly they are not that way only does harm. Isaiah 59: 4, 9 reveals that when no one calls for justice or pleads a case with integrity, people are left in the dark.
Marriage experts have a responsibility to teach in accordance with the truth.
But what if they don’t?
Trust your instinct. If you are feeling that your husband isn’t worthy of respect, believe what your conscience is telling you. Then. . .
Get clear about the definition of respect; You can respect someone without affirming them or tolerating their sin.
Find an expert who is able to discern the truth about your situation.
Keep your eyes on God’s Word so that you know the whole counsel of God.
As you get to know God more, you will be transformed as he renews your mind. And in that you will find truth and hope, because . . .
hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .
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