Those Bible Verses About Wives (They might not mean what you think)

 
bible verses about wives
 
 

I desperately wanted to be a wife who pleased God and did right by my husband. I would keep going back to all the Bible verses that talk about what wives should do and not do, and I would cling to them and beg God to give me the strength to be that kind of wife:

So when I started to admit to myself that my husband’s harmful behavior had become unacceptable to me, I had a lot of questions and concerns about how to apply those verses in the situation I found myself in.

Maybe you have those same questions and concerns, so let me share with you what I learned as I searched Scripture for answers, looking to the whole counsel of God.

Am I dishonoring my husband by thinking that he is wrong (at best) and abusive (at worst)?

I used to believe that it would be dishonoring to my husband if I allowed myself to think of him as being wrong, inappropriate, or abusive.

I’d been trained (by him and those in the church) not to have “negative” thoughts about my husband, being told to think only about “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, . . . .” (Phil 4: 8).

I assumed that meant that, if he displayed bad character, I couldn’t talk about it. [Read my article about a Bible wife who does right when her husband does wrong]

But as I started asking God questions like “How did Jesus handle people treating him poorly?” and studying Scripture for the answer, I started to see that Jesus did not overlook reality or sweep it under the rug in order to speak well of people. He acknowledged the truth.

And only in acknowledging the truth can you honor your husband with the chance to change his ways. In fact, within that Philippians 4: 8 passage, it says “whatever is true . . . think about such things.” Why hadn’t I seen that before?!

Am I keeping a list of wrongs?

1 Cor 13: 5 says that love does not keep a record of wrongs. This verse was used as ammunition to prevent me from holding my husband accountable. While we shouldn’t keep a record of wrongs selfishly to be used against someone to get our way, it is not wrong to take note of patterns of behavior that reveal character issues. In fact, the Bible says that if someone “wanders from the truth and someone should bring that person back, whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death” (James 5: 20). And 1 John 3: 9 says that “no one who is born of God will continue to sin.” 1 Corinthians 5: 11,12 says “you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. Are you not to judge those inside [the church]?” So if we see a pattern of continuous sin, it is right that we should take note of that and respond accordingly.

[Read my article about how to know if your husband is a Christian]

Am I speaking badly about him?

I wanted to be a Proverbs 31 wife so that my husband would be respected “at the city gates.” I thought that speaking the truth about his behavior was the equivalent of speaking badly about my husband.

speak truth of bible to change us

To slander him with the intention of ruining his reputation or in a misguided attempt to make you look like the one who does what is right IS speaking badly about him. Titus 2: 3-5 tells wives to be reverent in the way they live, not slanderers but kind and subject to their husbands so that no one will malign the word of God. Speaking the truth in order to improve your relationship or to get guidance is not speaking badly, it’s speaking truth. And truth is what sets people free (John 8: 32).

When you tell someone the truth about your husband and his character, doing so with seriousness and soundness of speech (Titus 2: 8), you are being reverent (i.e. respectful in that you aren’t dishonoring him but, rather, seeking help to do what is good for building him up [Eph 4: 29] according to his need to be a godly man) and you are also being “subject to” (or “at the mercy of”) your husband because he has treated you a certain way and you are responding accordingly (you are not called to be more patient, loving, forgiving, or grace-filled than God is - it’s your job to do the “natural” and leave the “super” up to God).

Doesn’t my body belong to him?

1 Corinthians 7: 4 says that “the wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband.” Many wives have taken this verse to mean that her body is not her own but that she must allow her husband to do with her body whatever he wishes.

But that is not what that verse is getting at - not at all!

Look at what Paul is addressing here: sexual immorality in the Corinthian church. There are so many people doing whatever they want whenever they want with whoever they want that Paul is telling them: stop doing that – you don’t have authority to do whatever you want with anyone you want to do it with – you must only give yourself to your husband!

See what a difference that is?! Paul isn’t saying you don’t have authority but your husband does or that your husband can do whatever he wants to you. No! He’s saying that you should give your body only to your husband.

It has everything to do with you not being sexually immoral.

And, notice that, just like with other passages about a wife’s responsibility in marriage, Paul also addresses husbands in the same way, saying that they don’t have the authority to do whatever they want, but that they must give their bodies only to their wives.

I know you want to honor God. You can do that by not allowing your husband (or others) to interpret Scripture for you in ways that get him what he wants but that leaves you hurting. Know the character of your Father who loves you, and know that He doesn’t want you to allow yourself to be hurt. (Read my article “Do You Always Have To Turn The Other Cheek?”) 2 Timothy 2: 15 urges you to correctly handle the word of truth. 

I don’t want to be a rebellious wife.

I was accused of this when I started to think for myself, have an opinion that was different from my husband’s, and assert some authority over myself instead of letting him have all authority over me. His accusations of me being rebellious were my husband’s way of trying to get me back in line and obedient to his (selfish) will.

But when I recognized that my husband’s will for me was not in line with God’s will, I knew that I had to obey God rather than man (Acts 4: 19).

God’s will for me is:

What about Ephesians 5:33 “a wife MUST respect her husband”?

Oh so many passages that are wielded as misused weapons against the daughters of God! [Read my article on books like Love & Respect and where they fail]

Dear loved one: think about how God respects you and imitate that:

freedom and respect in the bible for wives

1. Respect is allowing someone the freedom to be who they are while at the same time respecting yourself (and protecting your boundaries as needed). This is the kind of freedom that God gives us (we can do whatever we want, but that doesn’t mean that we stay in close relationship with God through it all).

2. You can disagree respectfully – it isn’t disrespectful to disagree. Iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27: 17) by clashing together.

3. Respect means only controlling what you can control: your decisions. You can’t control his – and it’s disrespectful to try. You can let him make his choices, but you don’t have to suffer at his hands for those choices – and neither do your children. You have control over what happens to you. Protect yourself. (See the example of Abigail in 1 Samuel 25 or read my article about her here.)

4. God doesn’t tell wives how to behave without addressing husbands, too (Ephesians 5: 25-27). In this Ephesians passage, it is clear that husbands are to love their wives. Don’t think that your husband can demand respect at the expense of you forfeiting the command for him to love you.

Additionally, it’s important to point out that unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is something that we should all have for others - but know that there may be a difference between the “respect” that your husband demands (obedience, submission, etc.) and the “respect” that the Bible commands (treating someone humanely even when they don’t deserve it). For clarification, my article about What Is Respect (Hint: you’re not doing it).

What about Philippians 2: 3,4 “in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but to the interests of others”?

I was accused (by people who do not understand the dynamics of destructive relationships) of acting in my own interest as I implemented increasingly painful consequences for my husband’s continued boundary violations. They said that I was giving up on the relationship because I wasn’t happy.

Far far far from the truth, those painful consequences were equally painful for me to implement because, if I had been acting in my own interest, my goal would have been to do everything I could (including subject myself to abuse) in order to not lose my husband.

The truth is that the boundaries and their consequences were the most loving thing and the hardest thing I have ever had to do because it was truly a giving up of what I wanted in order for my husband to have a chance for a better life (however that looked to him).

I believe that, done right, consequences (even to the extent that they lead to separation) should be the most loving thing you ever do as you look to the best interest of your husband. I gave up all my hopes and dreams so that I could do what was best for him. (Read my article on how to “Do The Natural and Leave The Super Up To God” to learn how to know what is best.)

What about 1 Peter 3 (submit, purity, reverence, gentleness, win him over without words, etc.) and Sarah obeying Abraham?

I took this verse in isolation for so long without looking at the greater context that it was in – and my narrow view of it kept me in bondage to my feelings of failure and my constant striving to do what I thought was submitting. [Read my article on the husband as leader]

Let’s take a complete look at the context here.

1. Peter is writing to explain how Christians should live among the Gentiles so that, even when the Gentiles accuse you of doing WRONG, they may see your good deeds and glorify God (1 Peter 2: 12).

What good deeds?

The passage goes on to use Jesus as an example of good deeds and respect:

. . . and the passage continues on to tell wives that “in the same way” (with the same good deeds of truth without anger/threats/retaliation) they should submit to their husbands (1 Peter 3:1) and then tells husbands that they “in the same way” (with the same good deeds of truth without anger/threats/retaliation) should be considerate and respectful of their wives (1 Peter 3:7).

2. We can further know that the good deeds that Peter speaks of are in reference to speaking the truth without anger or retaliation because, if the good deeds were what many people think of as good Christian deeds (i.e. “be nice to everyone all the time”) there would be no malicious talk or accusations about the Christians as referenced there. I mean, who would speak maliciously about people who are nice to everyone all the time? (That’s a rhetorical question 😉)

3. Wives are told to submit to their husbands so that their husbands may be “won over” without words by the purity and reverence of their lives  (1 Peter 3: 1,2).

abuse and consequences

People are not “won over” to Christ by being told they are not sinners. We need to acknowledge our sin to come to Christ. Winning our husbands over without words can mean setting boundaries on unacceptable behavior in hopes that they will recognize their sin.

In submitting to our husbands, we put our mission under theirs (sub/under-mission) and give them the freedom to pursue their mission.

Our mission might be for our husbands to treat us well (and, thus, we sometimes use too many words to try to convince them), but our husband’s mission might be to get his way. We can submit to our husbands by giving them the freedom to pursue their mission while setting boundaries (without words, if necessary) to protect ourselves from the fall-out of their misguided behavior.

These actions without words could bring to light their sin and win them over without words. (Read about whether boundaries are Biblical)

And the purity and reverence of your life is that you will not allow yourself to be polluted by sin but, rather, that you treat your life with the reverence that God intended for you.

4. Finally, just for fun, let’s take a look at what kind of wife Sarah was before we put her on a pedestal based on this passage.

In Genesis 16, we see her giving her maidservant to her husband so that he impregnates her. Then, when the maidservant becomes pregnant, Sarah blames Abraham who then whimps out (as he often did – think “lie and say you’re my sister” . . . twice) and tells Sarah she should do whatever she wants to and . . .  what does she do? She abuses her servant so that the servant has to flee! Not exactly a standard of  purity, reverence, or obedience.

(By the way, Eve wasn’t much better – she enabled her husband’s sin, making excuses for it and then blaming someone else. Stop the cycle!)

So what is the context of Sarah calling Abraham her master/lord? It’s in Genesis 18 when she was told that she would bear a son in her old age, and she laughed and said “after I am worn out and my master is old?” A few verses later she is called out for mocking God in that situation and lies about having laughed because she was afraid. The context of her statement that Abraham is her “master” isn’t exactly commendable.

So why would Peter use that to point out that Sarah called Abraham “master” or “lord”? Because it shows that, despite her many sins (and Abraham’s), she trusted that, as she put her husband’s mission above her own, God was working through her husband for her good and the good of her family (Romans 8: 28 “in all things God works for the good of those who love him”).

God is also working through your husband for your good. As you learn how to give up your mission and let your husband live his own, God will lead you to purity, reverence, and obedience as he did Sarah.

And what about Sarah obeying Abraham? She did that when he told her to lie and tell people she was his sister. Not exactly commendable, but what else was a woman to do in that culture - it was her only means of survival.

And you know that God is not advocating for us to obey our husbands even in their sin. God tells us not to have anything to do with the deeds of darkness but rather expose them (Eph 5: 11) and not to participate in sin because we become slaves to what we obey (Rom 6: 16).

Peter is using Sarah as an example of how to live as a wife not to make a blanket command that we should always obey our husbands, but (back to the point of his passage) to discuss how to live differently than the Gentiles do (with gentleness and respect) so that the Gentiles can see your righteous life and glorify God.

The repetition from 1 Peter 2 -3 of “do good” and “do what is right” reveals his point: that quarreling and anger do not achieve the righteous life that God desires (James 1: 20). Therefore, those with a gentle and quiet spirit in sub-mission to their husbands while doing what is good (clinging to the truth without retaliation or anger) and not giving way to fear (doing what is right without being afraid of how he might respond) may be able to win their husbands over without a word.

And isn’t that what we all want anyway?

So, rather than this being a passage that holds wives captive to the will of their husbands, this is a passage that is intended to guide wives to the freedom that comes from doing good and living pure and reverent lives.

Be free in truth, for the one who Christ sets free is free indeed!

Need some support?

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honor, respect, wivesChanging Usmarriage, bible verses, wives, submission, respect, ephesians, peter3 Comments