Why The Boundaries Approach? (And Not the More Love Approach?)
Some people wonder why my approach to difficult marriages is so different than what is typically recommended. They wonder why I advise such “harsh” things as boundaries and consequences instead of “love” and “kindness.”
The answer is simple: I’m focusing on building the foundation of the marriage while other people are focused on the exterior.
The Foundation of Marriage
You see, most people don’t look to the foundation of a marriage when they are helping others. They assume that the foundation is there (otherwise the couple wouldn’t have gotten married, right?). I’ve even had marriage helpers tell me, when I was seeking help for my marriage, that I should focus on what brought us together, what we used to like about each other, and the love we had at first.
Ha! If they only knew! What brought us together was our dysfunction. He was looking for adoration, and I was looking for someone to adore. The perfect storm! [More about that in my article here]
There was no foundation there to build on. It was a hot mess from the start. And then you’re told to work on love, forgiveness, and sacrifice . . . and things only get worse. The one who loves to adore works harder to please the one who takes and takes and takes. And the marriage is never mutual. [Read my articles on why love and respect are not the solutions]
That’s why I focus on the foundation - on laying down those components of a relationship that make a solid foundation for everything else.
And since it’s the foundation, it’s why what I do isn’t just for difficult marriages - it’s something that all relationships need (but that healthy relationships already have). It isn’t “outside of” or “in addition to” what “normal” healthy relationships do. It’s what others in healthy relationships are already doing naturally. [Wondering what a healthy relationship looks like? Get my free resource on it here]
In fact, they do it so naturally that they don’t even realize that it’s the foundation of healthy marriages. And, since they don’t realize it’s the foundation, they subsequently don’t realize that it’s what’s missing in difficult relationships. And since they don’t realize that it’s what missing, it’s not what they advise people to do.
Instead of advising people to set boundaries and build the foundation of their marriage, they advise people to do what helps them, as healthy people-helpers, feel closer to people: be kind, love, forgive, spend time together, say positive things, etc. They don’t know that the foundation is necessary for these things stand on. And without that foundation, the advice they give is the wrong medication for a misdiagnosed problem.
Feel good
Sometimes a lack of awareness as to what the foundation of marriage is isn’t the only reason people helpers aren’t advising others to have boundaries and enforce consequences.
Another reason is that setting boundaries and enforcing consequences doesn’t feel very good. And people like to believe that
actions that feel good lead to good things
and love grows from good feelings
(As a side note, many people helpers are, themselves, unaware codependents looking for someone to help and encourage and have not yet experienced how their own advice is leading to destruction - not only for their clients but in their own lives, too.)
Here’s the truth: It’s boundaries and their consequences that make us aware and capable of love. This is at the core of the gospel. We don’t come to Christ because He makes us feel so good about ourselves. We come to Christ when we become aware of how much we are failing to live up to his standards (boundaries). Then we lean into him, repent, receive his love, and enter into a healthy relationship with him. [More about bibilical boundaries here]
This is why encouraging couples to do “feel good” things for each other is not effective in a relationship that is devoid of love. [Did you know that not everyone is capable of love?]. There’s no relationship there to even build on. There are just selfishly-motivated endeavors to get needs met (yes, even for the “giver”).
With a focus on building the foundation of a relationship, all other aspects of the relationship (love, joy, peace, patience, forgiveness, generosity, etc) can then be enjoyed.
And although it’s true that the boundaries may not feel good, sometimes it is necessary to go through some pain in order to ultimately bring healing (think “getting a cavity filled” or “getting a broken bone set”).
I don’t want to cause a divorce
The third reason that people-helpers don’t advise people to set boundaries and enforce consequences is because of the perceived outcome - they worry it will lead to divorce.
Many people-helpers are concerned that setting boundaries is going to push people away from each other rather than draw them closer together. It’s painful to think about that happening, and the prospect of pushing people away from each other is antithetical to the result that many people-helpers want. So they avoid that approach.
But there are a couple things wrong with the reasoning that setting boundaries pushes people away:
Thinking about it that way and developing a helping approach around this fear makes it all about the helper and what they want instead of about the person being helped and what they need.
People helpers need to be less concerned with their image and what people will think of the results they get and be more concerned about what is actually good for the people they are trying to help. To be motivated by the fear of “what will others think of me if this marriage fails?” is not a good reason to advise couples to do things that look good on the outside but do harm on the inside.
The fear that setting boundaries pushes people away is just that: FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real). Boundaries don’t push people away. Rather, they bring an awareness of dynamics in the relationship that are already pushing the couple apart. Boundaries also bring an expectation of what needs to happen in order for the couple to come closer together. And that’s powerful.
When boundaries are made clear in a relationship, people become honest with each other, trust is built, and wounds are healed.
And isn’t that what we all want anyway? Trust, healing, love. [Need to heal? Get my guide to healing]
It’s amazing when it comes through such an unexpected but powerful approach. Because people come to counseling hoping for their situation to change, but love is really found when you realize that . . . .
hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .
Ready to experience what will really make a difference in your relationship?
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