It is devastating when, in the relationship that should bring you the most companionship and mutual respect, you feel reduced to an object to be used to meet sexual needs. Maybe it isn’t even that you don’t want to have sex, it’s just that when you do have sex, you want it to feel like a natural extension of your emotional closeness to your husband. And more often, it feels like

a way to manage the threat of adultery
a way to make him feel better when he’s upset or not feeling well
a way to create unity
or a way to try to get him to love you or give you attention

In other words, sex is being used as a tool rather than a fruit.

And the pressure to use sex as a tool doesn’t just come from your husband, unfortunately it comes from teachings within the church as well when we are told that it is a wife’s “marital duty” to give her husband sex.

But sex isn’t something you “give.” It’s meant to be the natural result and extension of a loving and intimate relationship. And yet it is more often described as something a person “gives” or “gets.” With that attitude toward it, it’s no wonder that sex has become a tool instead of a fruit.

Sex as a marital duty

Where does the idea come from that it is our “duty” to have sex with our husband? And what does the Bible really say about that? Women who desperately want to do the will of God want to know what God says about this topic. It can be a pain-filled topic, and they wonder how God wants them to respond in the midst of their pain.

Often women are told that God’s response to their pain is that they need to change their attitude about sex and work hard to be available to their husband, even if they aren’t emotionally feeling it. They’re told that sex is important to men and that having sex with your husband even when you aren’t feeling it is a gift to him that will mean a lot.

Ha! It will mean that the husband will feel entitled to sex whenever he wants it and the wife just needs to comply because “the Bible says so.” That’s what it will mean to him. And he will be sure to use that at his convenience with the permission of those who tout this false teaching.

Does God care how I feel about sex?

In the meantime, wives are left wondering what God thinks about their situation. Does he even care that you are being forced, coerced, and compelled to do something that feels violating and emotionally detached? Does God really condone a wife being thrown to the wolves? Because that’s what it can feel like.

Let me reassure you, God does care about you deeply - and his yoke is easy and his burden is light. God’s intention for sex isn’t that it feel burdensome and heavy. Let’s explore where the previously mentioned unbiblical teachings come from and what God really says about sex in marriage.

1 Corinthians 7: 1-7 says:

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to marry.” But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. [NIV 1984]

Many people have taken this passage to mean that a wife’s body is not her own but that she must allow her husband to do with her body whatever he wishes - and that she is not to deprive her husband of sex. But that is not what this passage is getting at - not at all!

Look at what Paul is addressing here: immorality in the Corinthian church. There were so many people in Corinth (even Christians) who were doing whatever they wanted whenever they wanted with whomever they wanted that Paul is telling them: "Stop doing that – you don’t have authority to do whatever you want with anyone you want to do it with – you must only give yourself to your husband." And it’s your duty to be faithful in giving yourself only to your husband/wife.

Paul isn’t saying that your body belongs only to your husband and he has authority over your body (and you don't) or that your husband can do whatever he wants to you. No - he’s saying that you should avoid sexual immorality by giving your body only to your husband (and not to anyone else). What he isn't saying here is that you have to have sex. The “marital duty” is not that you have to give your spouse sex but that you have a duty to be faithful and have sex only with your spouse.

It applies to both the husband and the wife

Also, notice that, just like with other passages about a wife’s responsibility in marriage, Paul also addresses husbands in the same way, saying that their bodies also belong to their wives (but not to anyone else), so they don’t have the authority to do whatever they want, but that they must give their bodies only to their wives. Paul ensures that it works both ways so that there is no imbalance of authority.

Do not deprive each other

Regarding "do not deprive each other": This is not meant to be a command that you have to have sex or a threat that ends in "so that Satan will not tempt your spouse." He is saying that it is not more godly to abstain from sex, so there is no need to deprive each other (again, in answer to their statement about whether it’s better not to marry/have sexual relations). Paul is saying that if you want to have sex, then it’s not more godly to deprive yourselves, so go ahead and have sex - just ensure that you are only having sex with your spouse, as it is your marital duty to be faithful to your spouse.

Notice that Paul does favor self-control and wishes that “all men were as I am” (single and celibate). Paul knows that sex is not a “need” that must be fulfilled. But he also acknowledges that some people will not have the mindset that celibacy is achievable because they “burn with passion” (verse 9). So, in that case, they should marry so that they do not misdirect their desires. Again, this doesn’t mean that their spouse is to be the object of their sexual fulfillment - it means that marriage gives them a context for learning how to be appropriate in a sexual relationship.

Paul's statement here to "not deprive each other" rightly addresses the Corinthians' statement that began the passage: "It is good for a man not to marry” (or, as some versions put it “not to have sexual relations with a woman”). Paul's answer is: "I'm not saying 'don't have sex'- I'm saying 'don't have sex with just anyone' - but if you don't want to have sex, then it's OK not to have sex."

Self control and temptation

I know what you’re asking: What if my husband doesn't have self-control? It says to “come together again so that Satan will tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” What if I’m being told that if I don’t have sex with my husband that it’s natural for him to be tempted to look elsewhere for sex?

The answer to that is: You are not responsible for your husband’s temptation - nor are you the solution to it. 1 Thessalonians 4: 6 speaks directly to this matter of self-control, stating that “in this matter [of controlling your own body] no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister [in Christ]. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins.” It goes on to say that “anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God” (verse 8).

If your husband is tempted, the problem of self-control is a symptom of a bigger problem: His heart isn’t in pursuit of God. And the solution to that is not a “sex fix” - the solution is for him to surrender control and humble himself before God. As Paul says in Romans 7

The things I do not want to do, I do. And the things I want to do, I do not do. What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of death? Only Jesus.

Temptation is overcome by surrendering. This solution is consistent with the message of the 1 Corinthians 7 passage where some versions say that if he wants sex, he must “yield” himself to his wife. That doesn’t mean that he demands sex from her. It means that he submits himself to her, humbly recognizing his vulnerable position, and showing gratitude toward his wife, cherishing her love, and thus creating an atmosphere of intimacy that draws them together.

Manipulation

If, in creating an atmosphere of intimacy, it feels like he is simply figuring out how to create that atmosphere in an attempt to manipulate you for sex, then it’s back to the drawing board for him until his heart is in the right place. Because love isn’t about getting what we want - it’s about giving others what is in their best interest.

It isn’t in your best interest to be used as an object - so if he is treating you like that, he isn’t loving you. And it isn’t in your husband’s best interest for you to let him know by your acquiescence that it’s OK to treat someone as an object. That only leads a person further into sin - which is never in someone’s best interest.

Marriage as a reflection of Christ and His Church

Ephesians 5: 32 says that marriage is to be a reflection of God’s relationship with his people. Does God abuse his authority to get what he wants? Never! He loves and cherishes us, he gives us freedom to choose (even to choose against him), and he always acts in our best interests.

This is what marriage (and everything about it, including sex) should look like, too - always acting in the other’s best interest. And when we realize that it is in no one’s best interest to use sex as a tool, then we begin to change our perspective on sex and we see that . . .

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Do I Have to Have Sex With My Husband?