Will God Ever Change My Spouse? (I've Been Praying For So Long)
Have you prayed for your marriage? Have you asked God to make your husband the man you know he should be? Have you prayed for peace in your home because you’re tired of the conflict? Have you prayed that your husband would see how much you love him, and that he would love you the same?
I’m sure you have.
And now, the harder question:
How have you done your part?
Your immediate reply is probably a resounding “yes!” You would say that you have tried so hard to avoid conflict, to make him happy, to be submissive to him, to keep peace in your home, to encourage and help your husband be better, to forgive him, to be a godly wife, and to have a good marriage. And I’m sure that you have.
But what if those efforts are the reason that your marriage is continuing to be a struggle?
Here’s what I mean. If you were married to someone who is emotionally healthy [get my free resource on what that looks like] then all of those things that you’re doing would be perfect - and the person you are married to would be doing all those things as well - and your marriage would not be the struggle that it is. But since it is a struggle, and since your husband is not doing his part, then all the things you are doing are only serving to keep your marriage stuck.
When you try to avoid conflict, he gets his way
When you try to make him happy, it’s never enough
When you are submissive to him, he gets more controlling
When you try to keep peace, you feel resentful that he isn’t trying
When you try to talk to your husband about doing things differently, he argues and blames
When you try to be a godly wife, you feel let down that it doesn’t seem to make a difference
And when you forgive him, there is always more to forgive (and no apologies from him)
So, does it feel like all the things you’re doing might only be making your marriage worse?
It might be time to re-evaluate your part in the health of your marriage.
The guidance that God gives us for marriage is never given to only one spouse, because one spouse can’t do their part without the other doing theirs. And it becomes very lopsided if you try. And lopsided doesn’t work. And lopsided is not what God intends for marriage.
That’s why it’s important to adhere not only to the parts of Scripture that speak of advice to husbands and wives, but also to know the guidance that Scripture has for us as believers and how we are to interact with others. And those “others” include our spouses. There aren’t special rules for spouses that negate the rest of the guidance in Scripture simply because we’re married.
For example: Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that the guidance to bring sin into the light and live as Jesus did doesn’t apply to you.
Matthew 18: 15-17 If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector
James 5: 20 Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death
1 John 2: 6 Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did. [Find out how Jesus lived: Get the FREE DOWNLOAD on “What Would Jesus (REALLY) Do?”]
1 Cor 5: 11 you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.
John 3: 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed.
Luke 17: 3 If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them
Galatians 6: 1 if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently
1 Timothy 5: 20 those who are sinning you are to reprove before everyone
James 4: 17 If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them
1 Timothy 5: 22 do not share in the sins of others
1 Corinthians 4: 5 hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord
So, let me ask again: Have you done your part? Because you can pray for your marriage all day long, but if you are working against the guidance of God, he isn’t going to answer a prayer for your marriage to improve when what you’re doing works against improvements. He wants you to do your part.
And God is not an enabler - He doesn’t do things for you (like improve your marriage) that you can do for yourself. It’s only after you’ve done for yourself what you can do that God can do what you can’t.
So you have to put forth the right effort. And what is that? Let’s take a look at a few things you can and can’t do on your own - first in this chart, then with explanations below.
1. Here’s what you can’t do: Soften your spouse’s heart
If it hasn’t happened yet, then no amount of love and kindness will be able to soften your husband’s heart toward you.
Here’s what you can do: Guard your soft heart
Protect the precious fruits of the spirit that God has given you from the worms that want to eat it. It’s OK to do things so that you “may be delivered from wicked and evil people” (2 Thessalonians 3: 2) [Read my article on “Do You Always Have To Turn The Other Cheek”]
2. Here’s what you can’t do: Make someone love you
When you know that someone should love you, you can get desperate to feel that love. And desperation leads to all kinds of ineffective attempts to get someone to love you.
Here’s what you can do: Understand that loves lets another choose to go their own way
3. Here’s what you can’t do: Compel someone to be kind to you by being kind to them
It feels right to embrace verses like “God’s kindness leads to repentance” but don’t leave out the rest of the verse! (Read on for an explanation . . . )
Here’s what you can do: Know the limits of kindness
And there are limits to kindness. The passage that contains the statement “God’s kindness leads to repentance” includes a chastisement of those who show contempt for God’s kindness (Romans 2: 4). And Romans 11:22 provides clarification about what happens to those who do not respond appropriately to kindness: “Consider therefore the kindness and sternness of God: sternness to those who fell, but kindness to you, provided that you continue in his kindness. Otherwise, you also will be cut off.” Those who don’t appreciate the kindness that is shown to them will be cut off. That principle applies to your spouse, too.
4. Here’s what you can’t do: Force someone to be aware of the hurt they are causing
As much as you’d like to help someone see how much they’ve hurt you, no amount of begging, crying, or revenge will force someone to be aware of something they have no concern about.
Here’s what you can do: Protect yourself from hurt
When someone hurts you and refuses to acknowledge what they have done and repent of it, your responsibility is not to try to force them to “get it” but rather to protect yourself from it happening again. That means you set limits on yourself, providing yourself with guidelines as to what you are going to do if someone hurts you. [Read more about boundaries here]
5. Here’s what you can’t do: Make someone respect your boundaries
This is one of the biggest questions I get in my coaching: “I try to set boundaries, but he doesn’t care. How can I make him respect my boundaries?” You can’t. But you can protect your boundaries by enforcing them with consequences if they are not respected. Boundaries are not intended to control someone else’s behavior - they are intended to protect you from someone else’s behavior.
Here’s what you can do: Protect your boundaries
Your spouse is free to choose whether he respects your boundaries (whether you like it or not) - but he is not free from the consequences of his choice. Boundaries that have no consequences if crossed are useless. [Get my resource for some examples of consequences for boundaries that are crossed]
So, I ask again: Are you doing your part? God wants to work with you for your good and his glory. And he won’t work against you. Align yourself with what God asks of you, and watch how he honors your desire for growth. And you find that…
Hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation…
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