Should You Pursue Your Spouse The Way God Pursues You?
There’s a song that says
“your goodness is running after, it’s running after me”
And I’ve recently heard a few people talk about how they aren’t going to give up pursuing their spouses because they want to chase after their spouse the way God chases after us.
But is this really a biblical concept? The reason I wonder is because wrong theology can lead to destructive patterns in relationships, and that’s not what God wants. He wants us to have healthy, godly relationships that reflect his relationship with us.
So what does God’s relationship with people look like - does he chase after us? Let’s see what Scripture passages people use to justify the concept of God chasing after us and consider the context:
1. Jesus’s Invitation
Two related passages that people point to are 1John 4:19 “We love because he first loved us” and John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son.” They equate God loving us first and sending Jesus to die as God pursuing us. But is this a reasonable assumption? Does love equate to pursuit? Romans 5:8 says that “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” God’s demonstration of love is his death on our behalf. It’s a gift that he offers. It’s not him chasing us - it’s him sending a gift and inviting us to receive what he offers us. Jesus says in John 6:44 “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them."
God calls to us (“I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners” Matthew 9:13), but we don’t have to answer. He he invites us to come to him (Matthew 4:19 “come, follow me” and Matthew 11:28 “come to me all who are weary”), but we don’t have to come. In fact, in Mark 10:21,22 Jesus invites someone to follow him and the person walks away. Jesus does not pursue him, chasing after him and trying to convince him that it will be worth it. Jesus looked at him and loved him and said “One thing you lack: go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me.” At this the man’s face fell and he went away sad, because he had great wealth. And Jesus just let him walk away.
We also see in John 5:40 that Jesus doesn’t pursue those who are hard to get. Rather, he chastises them, saying: “you refuse to come to me to have life.” He doesn’t chase after them. He dismisses them, noting that his glory does not come from whether people accept him.
2. Who Is God Chasing?
Another verse that closely parallels the song that God’s “goodness is running after me” is Psalm 23:6 which says “Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.” It sounds like maybe God’s love is running after everyone, but it is easy to see that this verse is not about God’s love chasing down sinners or people who are rejecting him. The concepts in the psalm are for those who consider the Lord to be their Shepherd. For those who, as it says in John 10:27, listen to his voice and follow him. The psalm brings confidence to those who follow God that he will provide for them, lead and guide them, be near to them, and protect them. There is no such promise for those who are rejecting him (as perhaps your spouse is rejecting you). So this passage does not justify you saying that you are imitating God by chasing after someone who is, by their words or actions, rejecting you. [Read my article on “What Is Love?” to get clarity about what your spouse’s behavior is really saying about their love for you]
3. Seeking The Lost
Another passage that people point to in order to support the view that God chases us is Luke 15: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? In the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.” It goes on to say: “Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? In the same way there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Note the context: Jesus is saying these things because the Pharisees and teachers of the law were complaining at the beginning of the passage that Jesus “welcomes sinners.” So Jesus talks about things that are valuable (the way sinners are valuable to God): a lost sheep, a lost coin. He justifies his “welcoming of sinners” by explaining that we seek after things that are valuable to us, drawing a parallel to the reason that he is seeking after things that are valuable to God. But note that the people in the parable are not pursuing a “runaway sheep” or a “runaway” coin. The pursuit of the coin and the sheep are to find something that was lost, not to chase after something that is trying not to be found.
The last parable in Luke 15 drives this point home. Jesus addresses what to do with those who are running away from us. He tells of a father whose son asks for his inheritance and then runs off with it. The father doesn’t pursue him. The son has chosen to go away. The father eagerly hopes for the son to return and, when he does, he rejoices and welcomes him.
It’s one thing to look for something valuable that we had that’s been lost, find it, and rejoice when it’s returned. It’s another to chase after something that you never had (for example: a godly spouse - read “Is My Spouse A Christian?”) in hopes of finding it, especially when what you’re chasing is someone who, by his/her actions, is running from you. [Read my article to get clarity on what it means for your spouse to be running away]
Here are a few more passages that may be used to justify that God is chasing after us:
4. An Unromantic Pursuit
God pursued Adam and Eve after they sinned in the garden of Eden (Genesis 3). Sure, he pursued them in order to be clear with them about the consequences of their actions. Not the same “pursuit” as we romantically envision where wrongdoing is overlooked and we’re unconditionally accepted anyway.
5. Receiving Guidance
God pursued Hagar when she ran away from her problems (Genesis 16). Yes, he did find her in the desert, and when he told her to go back to her mistress, she listened to him. She wasn’t a rebellious child who rejected his guidance. (Like Lot’s wife, for example, who God didn’t pursue when she turned and looked back after God told her not to.)
6. God-followers
God pursued Elijah when he ran from Ahab and Jezebel (1 Kings 18-19). But Elijah was a sold-out God-follower. He was a prophet for Christ’s sake! (Pun solely intended). God pursues those who desire to be near him. Different than what your pursuit of your spouse may look like, right? Your spouse’s actions might indicate that he/she doesn’t want to be near you (or they might say that they want to be near you but they don’t do anything about it).
7. Repentance and Change
God pursued Paul on the road to Damascus (Acts 9). Again, Paul responded and immediately believed Jesus’s words and repented. Is this what your spouse is doing when you pursue him/her - immediately believing you and changing? If not, it’s not the same and, therefore, continued pursuit is not what is called for .
8. Returning To God
Jeremiah 29 talks about God coming to his people to bring them back to the Promised Land, so people take this to mean that God comes after us to get us. But keep reading the context of the passage and you will notice that God comes to them only after he has left them to experience the consequences of their actions: 70 years in exile in Babylon. And, following that, the people will remember him and call on him and seek him. This is not about people who continually have no interest in him - it’s about people who knew him, rejected him, and then desire to have him again. “This is what the Lord says: ‘When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you’."
9. Desiring To Be Near
Psalm 139 is another passage that people point to regarding God chasing us. It says: “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you.”
This psalm is about someone who desires to be near to God. The psalmist expresses awe and wonder at God’s presence everywhere (not of God pursuing him) so that there is nowhere that he can go where God is not there, even when he feels like he is in dark places where he will be hidden from the light. He’s amazed by God and appreciates him, saying “How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand - when I awake, I am still with you.”
And then the psalmist goes on to talk about the wicked. He doesn’t say anything about God’ presence always being with them or about God chasing after them with his goodness. No, he asks God to slay the wicked and says that he hates those who hate God and abhors those who are in rebellion to God. Adding, assuredly (by way of being willing to be tested), that he believes that these thoughts are not offensive to God.
There’s a big difference between God being present with those who are in awe of him and slaying those who are in rebellion to him. The way you can imitate God: be present with those who appreciate you and do not pursue those who are in rebellion against you. (Of course I wouldn’t recommend slaying them - you can leave that part up to God.)
10. Conditions
Some point to Deuteronomy 7:7 as a proof text that God pursues us, but you only have to continue reading to verse 11 t to get the full picture:
Verses 7 and 8: “The Lord did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples; but it was because the Lord loved you and kept the oath he swore to your ancestors.” By verse 9: “Know therefore that the Lord your God is faithful, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments; but those who hate him he will repay to their face by destruction; he will not be slow to repay to their face those who hate him. Therefore, take care to follow the commands, decrees and laws I give you today.”
God sets his affection on us, but if we do not reciprocate, he will repay us. Marital relationships should be mutual, too.
In Summary
The truth is that God loves us, and his presence is everywhere, but God is not some codependent lover, desperately chasing us down even as we reject him or run from him. God is a Father and a King who establishes his authority, reveals his goodness and glory, and invites us to respond. We should be of the same mind: loving (and not hating) others, but also humbly honoring others’ decision to reject our invitation to commune with us.
Jesus says: “I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.” Invite, but do not chase your spouse down. If they do not accept your invitation, they stay on the other side of the door (figuratively… or maybe literally, too - it’s up to you.)
And when you start pursuing God harder than you pursue your spouse, you will discover that…. Hope is not found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation…..
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