8 Tips For Dealing With Unmet Expectations
One of the most frustrating things about a relationship is unmet expectations - when you expect your spouse to behave a certain way, and he/she doesn’t do what you expect. You think about how you know what you would do in a particular situation, and you find yourself frustrated as you wonder why your spouse can’t do it. You become exasperated that things that seem like reasonable, generally-expected behaviors don’t seem to be understood by your spouse. You put your laundry away right away right after it comes out of the dryer, so why can’t your spouse do that? You use a dish and put it directly into the dishwasher, but your spouse leaves it on the countertop. You come home from work and immediately start doing tasks around the house, but your spouse comes home from work and sits down and watches TV. You don’t allow certain behaviors from the children (e.g. interrupting adults, having a messy room), but your spouse lets them get away with those things. And it’s so frustrating. What seems like common sense to you, your spouse seems to be completely oblivious to.
Having conversations
Chances are you’ve tried to communicate with your spouse in an effort to try to convince your spouse that he/she needs to improve. You’ve explained why it’s important, how it’s not hard, that his/her way of thinking is wrong, and that your marriage would be better if (s)he did it differently. But those conversations don’t go well, do they?
Here’s the thing: Everyone was raised differently. Some people came from really strict families and appreciate the structure and want to run their household like a tight ship, while others that came from strict families felt suffocated and want to have freedom that they didn’t have growing up. Some came from very loosely structured or permissive families where parents were absent emotionally or physically and they don’t have a sense of structure in their lives at all, while others raised in that environment work hard to create routines and may even become perfectionistic. None of it is wrong, but if it’s different than what their spouse wants or expects, it can cause a lot of conflict.
Oftentimes when spouses have different expectations about what daily life and parenting should look like, and each spouse thinks they’re right, the one who has the stricter expectations will overwhelm the spouse who wishes to live more loosely. This can result in the stricter spouse getting on the other’s case often and the other spouse, in response, may argue their case at first, but eventually just shuts down. This enhances the conflict even more because it becomes a tug of war, with each spouse digging their heels in even more. Or, alternately one spouse can try to accommodate what the other spouse wants and will develop resentment as they feel that they are moving their spouse’s direction but their spouse isn’t moving theirs. It can become a power struggle.
Resolving the power struggle - what not to do
So what is a couple to do when you encounter these differences in expectations? Let’s start with what you don’t need to do. Don’t try to pound your perspective into the other spouse’s head and insist that they see that you are the reasonable one. They are not required to embrace your way of doing things. And just because you think it’s the right way of doing things doesn’t mean it is. Most things in life are what the Bible calls “disputable matters” (Romans 14:1), and we are not to quarrel about those things.
"But what if those things are not acceptable to me?” you might ask. Then you come up with a system for ensuring that you are not affected by those things that bother you. That might start with discerning what is worth getting irritated by and what isn’t. Is it worth getting your undies in a bundle over someone leaving a dish on the countertop instead of putting it in the dishwasher? Maybe it’s easier to just enact grace, shake your head and smile, and put the dish in the dishwasher yourself. Save yourself some emotional distress.
If it’s more than just the dishes in the dishwasher, though: let’s say that leaving messes everywhere is a pattern of your spouse’s behavior and you just can’t stomach cleaning up after your spouse all the time. If it’s a pattern, it’s a problem. Then you might say to your spouse “It’s very disruptive to my ability to get things done, and it’s disruptive to my peace, when I find things all over the house that you could have put away. Is there something you can do in order to be better at taking responsibility for your messes?”
If your spouse comes up with an actionable plan, good! But if your spouse argues, blames, deflects, or any of the other tactics, then say “I simply cannot continue to clean up after you, so I will be considering what my other options are so that I don’t have to deal with your messes.” This is where you have to get creative. What is a reasonable way to deal with the problem? What would be a natural and logical response? You might start by designating a spot in each room for their messes: a bucket or basket where you toss things when they’re lying around, and if the container gets full, you move it into a different space where either only they have to deal with it (their side of the bed, their car, the chair they sit in) or where they won’t be able to find it and will miss it (attic, garage). It’s important that you do this with the right heart attitude - not with an attitude of “I’m going to stick it to them” but with an attitude of “this is a reasonable solution to protecting my space and my peace.” You are not trying to control them, you are not trying to get them to change (they already showed you that they don’t intend to change) - you are simply trying to uphold your peace.
Now I bet you’re thinking of other examples right now and wondering what to do about _______ (fill in the blank). Go ahead and schedule a Breakthrough Session and I’ll walk you through how to think about it from a healthy perspective and what your options are for handling it.
Resolving the power struggle the emotionally healthy way
Here’s how to address your expectations so that they don’t create conflict
1. Embrace freedom
Don’t be critical of your spouse based on how they see what’s important and what isn’t to them. Give them the freedom to see and interact with the world the way they want to. You get to do that for yourself (and you might take others’ opinions into consideration at a greater or lesser level than your spouse does), so give your spouse the freedom to do that, too. When you give someone the freedom to be who they are and do what they want to do, it allows you to shed any critical spirit you may have that is exacerbating the frustration you have with unmet expectations.
2. Discern what is not negotiable
Giving your spouse freedom doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate everything. Make a list of all the things your spouse does that drive you nuts or that you find unacceptable. Then discern what can be easily navigated by you (e.g. messes, perhaps) and what you simply cannot accept (e.g. getting yelled at). This article on reasonable expectations may help.
3. Chill out
Examining what’s underneath your emotional reactions to your spouse’s behavior may bring some understanding as to whether the problem is your spouse’s behavior or whether it’s your own insecurities. Sometimes past trauma, subconscious beliefs that someone who doesn’t do certain things must not love you, fear of being abandoned, a commitment to being “faithful to a fault,” and other beliefs that stem from your past may be the culprit for your strong reactions to your spouse’s behavior. Discovering those beliefs that aren’t serving you well and working to resolve them can change your perspective and the way you tolerate perceived problems or approach solutions.
4. Don’t engage in tug of war
Understand that when two people start insisting that their spouse see it their way, it becomes an all-out war or one person becomes dominant and the other goes into emotional (and perhaps physical) hiding. If the power struggle is apparent in your relationship, stop waiting for your spouse to change and ask yourself “what am I going to do about it?” Not as in “what am I going to do about it in order to get my spouse to change?” But rather, as in “what am I going to do about it if my spouse doesn’t change?” How will you respond? What will you do to maintain or protect your safety, sanity and security (emotional and physical safety, your mental sanity, and your financial and spiritual security). If you aren’t sure, schedule a Breakthrough Session and I’ll help you think through it.
5. Be realistic about what’s possible
It’s important to understand that there are some things your spouse may not be capable of - even things that you think should be a no-brainer, like thinking of others or taking responsibility for themselves. If, after discerning what is negotiable and what you can navigate without a tug of war, you are still exasperated by the challenges that remain, consider whether your spouse may have a bigger problem than just a different perspective than you (perhaps a character problem or narcissism).
6. Adjust your expectations
If you find yourself constantly shocked or appalled by your spouse’s behavior and you’re thinking to yourself “I can’t believe (s)he did that” or “I can’t believe (s)he thinks that,” then it’s time to adjust your expectations to the reality of who your spouse is - and stop being shocked. Remind yourself: “it’s not shocking that (s)he is that way - of course that’s the way (s)he is - that’s what (s)he has always done - this is not a surprise.” When you stop expecting your spouse to be someone they’re not, you will stop being appalled by their behavior - and your emotional reaction to them will subside, allowing you to have a better response to their behavior.
7. Know what change looks like
If a couple is really dedicated to working together in a mutual partnership, then both will take responsibility for their actions, both will be willing to be held accountable and apologize when needed, and both will show signs of true growth and change. Emotionally healthy people want to be better and seek ways to do that (independently of each other). If that isn’t happening, there may be cause for concern that one of you may not have the capacity for a healthy relationship. If you wonder whether this is the case for your relationship, schedule a session and I’ll help you discern what’s going on.
8. Pursue God
You absolutely need to depend fully on the Spirit of God and pursue him in order to discern how to handle situations in your marriage. If you feel like you are struggling to know what is reasonable and what isn’t, knowing God and what he is like in relationships can bring ultimate clarity and can lead to peace. To learn more about what God is like in relationships, read my article on how to do marriage God’s way.
Marriage is the uniting of two very different worlds
When people marry, they are agreeing to bring together two worldviews, two perspectives, two ways of functioning and interacting with the world. In order to make a relationship work, it requires that both people embrace the other’s freedom to have their own perspective and their own way of doing things. Remember, though: Freedom to choose - not freedom from consequences. It’s the freedom that God gives us to think the way we want to think and to learn at the pace at which we pursue growth (or the pace at which we allow life to happen to us). That same model of God’s freedom for us should be used for marriage. And it’s only when you do that that you recognize that….
hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation…
Have questions about doing marriage God’s way? Schedule a Breakthrough Session:
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