How To Live In A Narcissistic Relationship
People often want to know: “Is it possible for a marriage to a narcissist to work out?”
The answer to that question is: It depends on what you mean by “work out?” If you are wondering if a narcissist can change to become a loving and emotionally healthy spouse, the answer to that is no (click the link to find out why), so you will never have the marriage that you hoped for.
But if you are wondering if it’s possible to live in peace with a narcissist so that the marriage doesn’t end, the answer to that is: Yes, it is possible. And the way to make that happen is not for your spouse to change, but for you to change. Here’s how you need to change in order to stay with a narcissist:
Your Change #1 - Accept that you can’t change them
The first thing you have to change is the way you think about them. Up to this point you’ve tried to offer advice and help for them to improve. You’ve offered constructive criticism in order to help them realize how their words and actions (or inaction) are hurting you and the relationship. Perhaps you’ve hoped that setting boundaries would get them to change. And when those things haven’t worked, there are times that you’ve resorted to pouting, anger, or tears. And none of those things have changed them.
They have tried to convince you that “if you didn’t talk to me like that” or “if you treated me better” or “if you would be submissive like you’re supposed to be” then they wouldn’t be the way they are. So you keep changing for them, thinking that if only you could be the wife God (I mean: your spouse) wants you to be, then your spouse would be able to be a better person.
But no matter how much you change, they don’t. They keep saying “if … then” but it doesn’t ever work out that way because no matter what you do, it doesn’t produce the results that they promise it will produce.
You have to accept that so that you stop running yourself ragged trying to be the driving force of change in your spouse. You have to realize that there is nothing that will change them. The best you can hope for is behavior modification (which we’ll discuss farther down), but a change in character for them so that they become loving and caring is not possible.
Here are three concepts to cling to as you make change #1:
1. Accept the reality of what you’re dealing with and who they are - nothing has changed: they are consistently who they are
2. Let go of the idea that you can change them - you’ve already tried to change them, accept that you can’t
3. They are showing you who they are - believe them and accept that they don’t want to be different
Your Change #2 - Stop playing into their tactics
Someone who is emotionally unhealthy uses tactics to get you to do what they want you to do. The relationship is all about them and how they can control you [read my article on how someone becomes a narcissistic and abusive].
For you the relationship is about becoming better together, which means you both grow. But for them, it’s about becoming “better” together as you change to accommodate what they want the relationship to look like - that’s what “unity” looks like to them: You moving their direction.
These tactics have worked for them up to this point because there’s a gap between what’s real (their selfishness and unwillingness to change) and what you want to believe (that they are capable of changing to make things better just like you are). That gap is a source of pain. It keeps you striving for what isn’t real - for what you want to believe - instead of working with reality. And it’s painful to keep working toward something that will never materialize - it’s a constant shattering of hopes and dreams.
So who’s the problem in this scenario? Who’s creating the pain? You are. You are clinging to a dream instead of to reality. And because of that your spouse is able to get you to continue trying harder and harder to make that dream come true as you try to work within the guidelines that your spouse gives you (because you are the only one of the two of you who can cooperate and accept feedback and change).
The solution, then, is to stop playing into their tactics - stop playing the game - and stop being shocked by their behavior. You know what they are like and that they aren’t going to change, so stop being surprised by who they are and what they do.
Instead, have a mindset of observation: You’re simply observing them. You are watching what they do, and you are identifying (to yourself) their unhealthy behaviors. You aren’t trying to work with them, accommodate them, change for them, or change them. You are simply observing who they are. And the next change you make will help you know how to deal with them.
Your Change #3 - Guard your heart
The first two changes that you make are able to release you from the emotional pain of being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unhealthy. This third change is about how to deal with the reality of what you’re up against - and it’s all about working with what you know.
What you know is that your spouse can’t be trusted with your heart. When you open up to them, they tear you down, they make it sound like you’re at fault, they imply that you’re not enough or that you’re not doing enough. They trample your heart. So you have to protect it.
That means that you don’t give them ammunition to shoot you with. You don’t offer advice, share your concerns, open up to them, try to create an amorous atmosphere, or in any way put yourself in a vulnerable position. Instead, you make adjustments to your life so that you are not vulnerable when they try to sabotage your efforts to live the life you want. Here are some examples of what that might look like:
You don’t put forth the effort to be intimate with them if you’re going to do most of the work or be left feeling empty or used [read my article “Do I Have To Have Sex With My Husband?”]
You make plans for events or holidays that will still work and be fun for you even if they don’t participate or try to sabotage it.
You take a separate vehicle so that you can stay as long as you want or leave whenever you want.
You don’t try to work cooperatively with them on plans, projects, or parenting (because they’ve proven that “cooperate” is not in their vocabulary). Instead, you make plans, work on projects, and parent the way you want to.
You give them the freedom to mess up their life without you stepping in to help fix it.
You do what you are responsible for and respect them enough to allow them to be adults who can be responsible for themselves.
Your Change #4 - Garner resources
In order to survive a relationship with someone who is emotionally unhealthy, you have to have the resources to survive on your own - because you are on your own, you just happen to be alone with someone else. So you have to be able to garner your own resources and create space for yourself by setting boundaries that allow you to be a separate person. You can’t get peace in a relationship without boundaries. And you can’t set boundaries with a narcissist without your own resources, because you’re going to need them.
Narcissists are skilled at creating confusion. Their goal is to keep you in an altered sense of reality - their “reality” (which is really their fantasy). So your battle is against deception and for truth. In order hold your own in that battle for truth, you have to have the resources to create your own space in the real world. That means that, when you make those adjustments to your life in “change #3” (which are really boundaries that you are setting to create space for yourself), you have to be able to carry out your plans with your own resources.
Your spouse could attempt to cut you off from resources at any time if they don’t like what you’re doing, so you have to be prepared with your own. Not only does this allow you to avoid enmeshment with your spouse so that you are not bound to the relationship for logistical reasons, but it also is what gives you the leverage to remove their narcissistic supply (whatever needs are being met in the relationship that are keeping them there), allowing you to make the rules so that there are no games.
Fear is the driving force of a narcissist. They are afraid of losing something, so they believe that if they can control the person who is responsible for providing what they are afraid of losing, then they won’t lose it. They might be afraid of losing financial control, financial comfort, affirmation, sex, chores being done for them, life being managed for them, or their relationship with their kids being made possible through your efforts. If you garner the resources that make it possible for them to lose those things, they may be willing to play by your rules, living life on life’s terms, in order to keep that which they fear losing.
It’s this change in you that has the power to make the relationship work. A narcissist will never be able to change their character so that they become loving, caring, heart-generous people, but they will be able to change their behavior in order to stay in a relationship that provides something that they are afraid to lose. So you can get behavior change. But it requires consistency on your part and a determination to not let your guard down.
What kind of resources do you need? Everything necessary to be able to leave on a moment’s notice: your own income stream, your own bank account, copies of all of your important documents on hand (social security cards, birth and marriage certificates, home mortgage/deed papers, car titles and loan papers), a place to go, your own vehicle, access to any accounts with your name on them, and whatever you would want to take with you in case you never have access to those things again (clothes, sentimental items).
You have to ensure that any statement you make or action you take to enforce a boundary is able to be followed through on. Empty threats are not threats at all, and a narcissist will call your bluff.
Your Change #5 - Take your cues from your body
People who are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unhealthy have trained themselves to take their cues from their spouse. If your spouse isn’t happy, it doesn’t matter how you feel, you work with how your spouse is feeling. If you believe one thing to be right or true and your spouse doesn’t agree, you make adjustments to align yourself with your spouse.
When you’re ready to get healthy, you have to stop taking cues from other people and start taking cues from yourself. Your body will tell you the truth. Start recognizing when you feel confused, unsure, or uneasy. Your body gives you cues when something is happening that is “off.” Believe yourself. Use those cues as information that can help you decide how to proceed. My guide to healthy conflict can give you everything you need to help you develop this important step of change.
When you implement these changes, you will begin to see that…
Hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation…
Have questions about what this could look like in your marriage? Schedule a Breakthrough Session and get some answers.
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