The idea of submission in the Bible, particularly as it relates to husbands and wives, has been the subject of many sermons, articles, and books. Some of those capture the strict definition of the word, some capture the interpretation of it through the lens of the communicator, and others capture the broader sense of the word in the context of the culture in which the text was written.

While I will touch on all of those, what I hope to capture in this article is the word “submit” in the context of the character of God, providing a perspective to free those who are bound to the suffocating legalism that often accompanies the concept of submission in an unhealthy marriage.

The definition of submission

Nearly every time the word “submit” is used in the New Testament, it is translated from the same Greek word meaning “subject, subordinate, put under, or be under control.” It’s a sense of “have it your way.” Read on and I will explain.

Depending on the beliefs of the reader and the reader’s preconceived understanding of the concept of submission, the translation of the Greek word can lead to a variety of interpretations, many of which have created problems for Christian couples and have also misrepresented the character of God.

So where does that leave Christian husbands and wives on the topic of submission?

There are 5 ways that the character of God can guide us in understanding the true intent of submission in Christian marriages:

1. God’s equal concern for all people

First, it’s important to note that the New Testament does not ever talk about how wives should be toward their husbands without it also stating how husbands should be toward their wives. This emphasis on honorable behavior from both the husband and the wife indicates the value that God places on mutuality in relationships.

Here is what we see:

1 Corinthians 7:2-4 "Since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.” [For more on the context of this passage, read my article on “Do I Have To Have Sex With My Husband?”]

1 Corinthians 7:10, 11 “A wife must not separate from her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.” (There’s a clause in there for wives that says “But if she does [separate]” - read my article on separation/divorce for clarification)
Ephesians 5:22-25 “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord… Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Ephesians 5:33 “Each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” [If you’re familiar with the book Love & Respect, read my article on where books like that fail to do what they set out to accomplish]
Colossians 3:18,19 “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”
1 Peter 3:1,7 “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives… Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect.. so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

God wants there to be equal authority and responsibility in marriage. If those two things are not equal, you don’t have a marriage, you have a slave/master situation.

2. God’s desire for healthy, mature relationships

In the passages about husbands and wives, even if the word “submit” is to be understand as “backing down, agreeing, allowing yourself to be over-ridden, or unconditional obedience” (which it isn’t, as explained later on), the guidance being given to “submit” is for those in mutual, healthy, godly relationships. The use of the word in the sense of unconditional deference is not intended to be the model for unhealthy, destructive, or abusive relationships. We can know this because of the language surrounding the words that we get tunnel-vision around.

For example, in the Ephesians 5:22-33 passage, people often focus on the words “submit” and “love,” but it’s important that the passage notes that the wives submit to their husbands as they do to Christ (a healthy relationship) as the husbands love their wives (a healthy relationship) as Christ loves the church (a healthy relationship). The passage is describing a healthy and godly marriage.

In the 1Peter 3 passage, the purity and reverence of the wife’s life may draw the husband in, creating a desire in him so that he is compelled to believe the word of God. If the husband in this scenario can be won over, good! But some people are not able to change (narcissists, for example) or be influenced by the behavior of others. This passage doesn’t give any guidance as to what to do if their husbands aren’t won over, but….
The passage in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 does: It says: “If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her (the word translated “divorce” here means “abandon” or “neglect”). And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce (abandon or neglect) him. But if the unbeliever leaves (a different Greek word is used here, meaning “divides” or “separates”), let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace" (so let him/her leave in peace). “How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?”

Paul is saying here that if it’s clear that your spouse is not willing to live in peace with you, then let them leave in peace. God gives us freedom to choose, and sometimes it’s only when a person is given that freedom that they can see the value in being in a relationship with someone who gives that freedom to them - and this freedom is what may save them.

So the question often is: How can you determine whether your spouse is willing to live in peace with you? Well, a spouse who is willing to live in peace will not stir up conflict or create discord by attempting to impose their own will on you - that’s the opposite of peace. Instead, they will set reasonable boundaries and will accept the reasonable boundaries that you set [get my guide on how to set boundaries]. They will take responsibility for their part in the relationship. They will give you freedom. If they are practicing unhealthy relationship tactics and stirring up conflict and discord by their selfishness, it can surmised that they are not willing to live in peace with you. And as the passage says “God has called us to live in peace.”

3. God’s detestation of sin: There are times that we are not to submit

Just because you are married doesn’t mean that you throw out every verse about relationships in the Bible that doesn’t relate to marriage. The verses about marriage may relate to you, but you also have a responsibility toward your spouse as a believer. This means that, when your relationship with your spouse isn’t healthy, you need to look to other passages in Scripture to know how to deal with unhealthy relationships [get my resource on What Would Jesus Really Do?]

Here is some guidance for you as a believer that can help you know how to relate to those who are not acting in accordance with what you know to be right:

If your spouse is playing God in your life (telling you what to do, think, feel, believe): “We must obey God rather than human beings” (Acts 5:29)
If your brother sins against you, show him his sin (Matthew 18)
Hold your spouse accountable: “Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death” (James 5:20)
Do not share in the sins of others (1Timothy 5:22) - Is your spouse wanting you to enable their greed, selfishness, or discord? Do not share in their sins by enabling them.
Expect your believing spouse to live as Jesus did: “whoever claims to live in Him must live as Jesus did” (1 John 2: 6) [Find out how Jesus lived]
Do not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy or an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler (1 Cor 5: 11)
Recognize that if someone is harming you, they do not have love for you, because “Love does no harm” (Romans 13: 10)
If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells or always wondering what more you need to do to keep your spouse’s anger or criticisms at bay, then you are living in fear instead of in the love of your spouse, because “there is no fear in love” (1 John 4: 18).
Your spouse should see your perspective and value you above themselves (Philippians 2: 3) as much as you do the same for them.
You can hold your spouse responsible for their sin: Proverbs 19: 19 says “A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty. Rescue them and you will have to do it again.”

How does the Bible say we are to treat those who claim to be believers but by their actions are not?

“do not even eat with such people” (1 Corinthians 5: 11)
“treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (Matthew 18: 17)
“be wise enough to judge” (1 Corinthians 6: 5)
“hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh” (1 Corinthians 5: 5)
“be kept safe from unbelievers” (Romans 15: 31)
“stand firm and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5: 1)

4. The value that God places on free will: Submission as a transfer of control

Let’s take an accurate look at the words that are translated “submit”: subject, subordinate, put under, or be under control. These words are all related to control and carry with them the sense of “have it your way”:

subjecting yourself to someone else (you’re at the mercy of someone else’s decisions)
being subordinate (giving someone else authority)
putting yourself under someone else (giving more clout to someone else’s way of doing things than your own)
being under the control of someone else (your life isn’t just controlled by you, it’s controlled/affected by your spouse, too)

But these words don’t imply that you are under someone’s control at the expense of your own personal authority or personal control. In other words, it doesn’t mean that you transfer control of yourself to someone else. It means that you transfer control of someone else back to them and allow them to have it their way, knowing that a person is free to choose, but they are not free from the consequences of their choice.

Let’s take a closer look:

In subjecting yourself to someone else, you are accepting that their choices will affect you. For example: You subjected yourself to your spouse when you got married. You put yourself in a position to be affected by your spouse’s choices. If your spouse chooses to do things that push you away, rather than trying to control the outcome (e.g. by moving closer to your spouse rather than away), you submit to their decision and accept the separation that their behavior is creating. So rather than pushing your will on your spouse by insisting that you move closer together (by having discussions or “fighting” for your marriage), you submit to the fact that your spouse doesn’t want that - your spouse wants to do things that push you away.
When you marry your spouse, you put your desires under theirs. This means that your relationship will go wherever they desire. If they are emotionally mature and pursue personal growth and godliness, your marriage will go to pleasant places. If they don’t, your marriage will go to places that you may not want to go (e.g. separation or divorce), but you must willingly to submit to wherever it goes because you are putting your spouse’s desires over yours. You are giving them the authority (being subordinate) to decide whether good things happen in the relationship that draw the two of you closer or whether bad things happen in the relationship that tear the relationship apart. This also reveals why mutual submission is so important, because as much as your spouse is responsible for the direction of the relationship, you have equal responsibility for ensuring that you are not doing things that would tear it apart, either, because your spouse would be in a position to have to submit to that as well.
When you married your spouse, you accepted the responsibility of no longer acting en solo. You now have another person that you are responsibility to and whose life you will affect and, in turn, whose life will affect you. To that extent, you are under your spouse’s control (and your spouse is under yours). If your spouse doesn’t act responsibly toward you, you feel the effect of that - you are under the control of their actions. You don’t give up personal control over your choices or your response to their actions, but you do recognize the control/influence that their actions have over you. And again: we are free to choose, but we are not free from the consequences of our choices.

Do you see the difference? Submission isn’t about giving away the control you have over yourself - it’s about giving away the control you want to have over the other person. When you submit, you are giving up your desire to control the outcome. That means that, if your spouse is pushing you away by their sinful behavior (criticism, harshness, selfishness, greed, discord, etc), then you don’t try to control the direction of the relationship by insisting that your spouse get help, understand your perspective, or change their ways. You give them the freedom to choose how they act and you let their behavior steer the direction of the relationship - even if it’s a direction you don’t want to go.

5. God’s concern for the spirit of the law, not just the letter of the law

Finally, the last clarification about submission (when the word is used in the context of people who tell you that you have to give up control of yourself to your spouse) is that submission that is demanded is not submission at all - that’s called slavery. The notion of submission is that it is freely engaged in. If you feel like you “have to,” “should,” or “aren’t doing enough to” give up your own thoughts, feelings, opinions and you are trying harder to acquiesce and obey (many people’s interpretation of “submit”), that isn’t you making a choice, that is you being coerced, controlled, and enslaved. This isn’t what’s at the heart of biblical submission.

At the heart of submission is the willingness to give up your own hopes, dreams, and desires in order to allow someone else the freedom to get what they want - even if that means that they won’t pursue a good marriage but, rather, will allow it to fall by the wayside as they dismiss you or mistreat you. The greatest act of love is to lay down your life (along with your hopes and dreams) for someone you love. That can be heartbreaking, but when you are truly able to submit to the reality of your situation, you will find that…

hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation…

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Submission and the Heart of God