When I Set Boundaries My Spouse Does This (What Should I Do?)

So you’ve set a boundary, and it didn’t go the way you’d hoped it would. You wanted your boundary to be respected. After all, you respect what your spouse says and does. But when you told him your spouse what your boundary was, your spouse didn’t seem to care.

When boundaries aren’t effective, it’s probably because they aren’t being enforced. You might be communicating your boundary, but when your spouse doesn’t seem to care, you’re unsure what to do about it. [I can help with that - schedule a Breakthrough Session here]

One of the most confusing parts of boundary-setting is the unexpected backlash that can happen when you set and enforce a boundary.

Here are 3 possible responses to a boundary:

1. Respect

In an ideal situation, and if the other person is emotionally healthy, they will respond with respect and an understanding of your perspective, a deep sorrow for any hurt that they have caused, and a truly repentant heart that is transformed by the renewing of his mind. (Read about how to tell if someone is really sorry.)

2. Hoovering

Have you heard of hoovering? It’s when someone feels rejected and they try to suck you back in (like the Hoover vacuum) with a variety of tactics: 

• most commonly, love bombing: acting like they love you so much and they’re so sorry

• buying you things or taking you out for a date

• feigning helplessness, being needy, or asking for favors

• sulking or pouting

• acting like they don’t care and they’re going to move on

• gaslighting: getting you to doubt your decisions

3 Anger or Rage

Often when someone in an unhealthy relationship starts to get healthy and set boundaries, the other person can’t emotionally handle the loss of control that they feel, and they get angry and desperate to regain control [here’s why]. This can take many forms. Here are a few:

• telling you that you aren’t being biblical

• reaching out to family and friends to tell them about your “bad behavior”

• making demands

• blaming or accusing you

• trying to make you feel sorry for them (saying they’ve been stressed, they’ve been hurt, etc.)

• treating you worse

• giving you the silent treatment

• going to pastors or others to have them help “get you back in line”

Basically, unless your spouse is emotionally healthy, expect that they won’t take your boundaries very well. (If there is a chance that you are in physical danger, have a plan in place to be able to leave safely before you implement boundaries!) 

What you should do

When you set boundaries, be prepared to

1. stand your ground - don’t waver or loosen your stance [Get my guide on learn how to set and enforce boundaries]

2. validate yourself - tell yourself you know the truth and will act upon it

3. find others who will support you - be honest with others so that you can discern who is on your side

4. be prepared to work through the disappointment and dismay of discovering who doesn’t support you - there will be people who you thought would support you who you discover will not

5. keep going back to your Bible to seek truth - God will reveal His will for you and guide you and reassure you and comfort you

And you will find that . . .

hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .

Sometimes you just need someone to ask. Have a question about relationships?

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