Male Leadership (Aligning The Head of the Family With The Rest Of The Body)
Dear wife, are you finding yourself disappointed in the way that your husband is leading? Maybe he isn’t taking the lead enough, and you want him to be the spiritual leader of your home but can’t figure out how to be a helper that gets him to step up into his God-given role? Or, perhaps, he is leading too heavy-handedly and you feel more like a slave to his whims than a wife to him?
And dear husband, are you trying hard to lead well but feel like you’re failing? You feel responsible for the spiritual condition of your wife but can’t seem to create the picture of unity that you have in your mind?
What if, dear wife and dear husband, the struggle with leadership is not due to a failure on anyone’s part but, rather, simply requires a perspective shift to align more accurately with God’s intent for the role of men in the home?
Authority, Headship, and Leadership
Let’s start by taking a look at where the current pressure comes from for husbands to lead. There are some in the church who teach, resolutely, that men are to be the leaders and authorities in the church and in the home and that women are to be quiet and submissive and are not allowed to speak to men in a way that would be considered teaching or having authority, either in the church or in an informal setting (e.g. at home). Some would say that even mothers, once their sons turn 18 and are men, are not permitted to teach their sons about the things of God or have authority over them. The Scripture verses that are often cited as the basis for these teachings are 1 Corinthians 14:34-38 and 1 Timothy 2:11-15.
So let’s do what every Christian should do with any teaching: like a good Berean (Acts 17:11), study the Scriptures to see if what you are told is true.
As we look in the Greek at the word “man” as it is found in 1 Timothy 2:12 (“I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man”), we find that it is the Greek word “aner” which is often translated “husband.” In fact, it is only translated “man” when it is referencing a situation that could not possibly apply to the husband/wife relationship. Yet, for some reason, it was translated “man” instead of “husband” in the 1 Timothy passage where the husband/wife relationship could easily be implicated. The translation of the word as “man” instead of “husband” leads people to conclude that women can’t teach men at all when, in fact, what the passage actually seems to be indicating is that a wife shouldn’t teach her husband or assume authority over him.
Wives Are Not To Have Authority Over Their Husbands
It makes sense to say that a wife should not teach her husband or have authority over him because, as you know from reading my articles, wives who try to persuade or provide insight to their husbands often find themselves frustrated, discouraged, and confused as to why their husbands don’t accept what they are trying to communicate. Therefore, it is true that women should not bother trying to convince or teach their husbands but, rather, as it says in 1 Peter 3:1 “if any of them [husbands] do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.” (That isn’t to say that in healthy relationships there shouldn’t be dialog that includes a woman explaining or “teaching” from Scripture… the command to not “teach” their husbands is in the context of “not having authority over,” remember.)
That 1 Timothy 2 passage makes so much more sense when it is translated accurately: “A wife should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over her husband; she must be quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve.” Adam, having been formed first, was not to be under the authority of Eve, who was formed after him.
Now note that by saying that a wife should not have authority over her husband, it does not give cause to assume that the reverse is true (that a husband, therefore, has authority over the wife). It simply says that a wife shouldn’t have authority over her husband. [Read my article on a husband having authority of his wife’s body for clarity in that situation.] It’s true that a wife shouldn’t have authority over her husband because, in fact, no one should have authority over another except for those who are in positions of authority. Read on….
A Husband’s Authority
So you might ask: “Isn’t a husband in a position of authority over his wife?” That’s what we’re told. That’s what is commonly accepted without question. But if you look at the verses that are used to establish the man’s authority as head of the household, what you will find is that there is nowhere that the word “authority” is used in referencing a husband’s role in the marriage or the family.
In fact, there is nowhere that indicates that any person has authority over any other person in general, except for in the case of civil authorities. In searching all of the New Testament passages of Scripture that talk about authority, the word “authority” is only used in reference to
civil governing authorities - For example: 1 Peter 2:13,14 says “Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human authority [and then Peter gives examples]: whether to the emperor, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right.”
God’s/Christ’s authority - For example: “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me” Matthew 28:18
authority in the spiritual realms (angels, demons) - For example: “The end will come, when he hands over the kingdom to God the Father after he has destroyed all dominion, authority and power” 1 Corinthians 15:24
or the authority we have for building others up - For example: “If I boast somewhat freely about the authority the Lord gave us for building you up rather than tearing you down, I will not be ashamed of it” 2 Corinthians 10:8. “This is why I write these things when I am absent, that when I come I may not have to be harsh in my use of authority—the authority the Lord gave me for building you up, not for tearing you down” 2 Corinthians 13:10
Husbands as Leaders
Where the word “leader” is used in the New Testament (and it isn’t used anywhere in reference to husbands, only in reference to church/Jewish leaders), it is the Greek word “hegeomai” and it means to give guidance or consideration, but not authority. So church leaders can provide guidance, but they don’t have authority over you (spiritual or otherwise). To emphasize the importance of not looking to other people as authority, Paul chastises the Corinthians for following human leaders instead of Christ: “no more boasting about human leaders! All things are yours… and you are of Christ” (1 Corinthians 3:22,23). And when Paul speaks of his own introduction to the other apostles in Jerusalem, he says in Galatians 2 that he “went to those esteemed as leaders” but adds “whatever they were makes no difference to me - God does not show favoritism.”
We, too, should be careful who we give esteem as leaders or give authority to, because our only spiritual authority is God. No one else is perfect enough that we should give that much credence to them. The division of the Church today demonstrates this as leaders constantly rise and fall. But it is in looking to God alone that we will find unity.
Husbands as the Head
Where the word “head” is used in reference to husbands and wives (and not in reference to the top part of your body), it isn’t used to indicate “headship” as in “authority.” The Greek word that is translated “head” (kephale) means “point of origin” as in “the lake is at the head of that river” - the lake is the “point of origin" of the river (said another way: the river originates from that lake). In terms of the origin of human beings, we know that man originated from God and that woman originated from man (woman was taken out of man in Genesis 2:21,22), and when we look at the passages referencing the husband as “head,” what we then find is that:
1 Corinthians 11:3 more accurately says “I want you to realize that the point of origin of every man is Christ, and the point of origin of the woman is man, and the point of origin of Christ is God.” This brings clarity to that whole passage, as it ties in directly with the reason that Paul is talking about the topic at all: “For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God” (1 Corinthians 11:12).
Ephesians 5:23 then more accurately says “For the husband is the point of origin of the wife as Christ is the point of origin of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”
Colossians 1:18 then more accurately says “he [Jesus] is the point of origin of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy” (supremacy is the Greek word meaning “first place”).
And in the 1 Timothy 2:11-13 passage, saying that a woman should not have authority over a man aligns with the reason for that statement when taken together with the understanding of point of origin: “For Adam was formed first, then Eve” (verse 13).
Equal Authority
When translated correctly, it brings so much clarity about our roles as brothers and sisters in Christ - that we are equals, not responsible for each other, not in authority one over the other, but children of God (“provided that you continue in God’s kindness; otherwise, you will be cut off” Romans 11:22).
It also aligns with the curse upon women that we see at the Fall, because part of the curse is that men will rule over women even though it wasn’t originally intended to be that way. “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you” (Genesis 3:16). The Message version says it this way: “You’ll want to please your husband, but he’ll lord it over you.” The Amplified Bible reads: “Yet your desire and longing will be for your husband, And he will rule [with authority] over you and be responsible for you.” So when we are freed from the curse when we are saved, we can come to understand our roles the way they were originally meant to be: As equal partners in a relationship that reflects Christ and his church (marked by truth, servanthood, and sacrifice).
Setting Men Free
The implications of this are freeing. Men, you no longer have to feel the pressure of being responsible for the spiritual condition of your wife or family (as you may have been told you are). You no longer have the pressure of being the authority in the household, solely responsible for making decisions. You are no longer under pressure to lead. That doesn’t let you off the hook in the area of taking personal responsibility, but it does lighten the spiritual load you may feel.
If these concepts of leadership and authority have made you feel that you are failing as a man or that you have to be in control, you can rest easy, knowing that God doesn’t hold you accountable for the behavior of your wife or children, since “each of us will give an account of ourselves to God” (Romans 14:12). Without that pressure, you can simply partner with your wife, working in mutual cooperation, each of you “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21) and taking responsibility for yourself and your behavior in the relationship. And, knowing that you WILL have to give an account of yourself to God, you should take seriously the command to love your wife as Christ loves the church (noting that Christ does not beat up his bride emotionally, mentally, verbally, or otherwise).
Setting Women Free
Women, you do not have to beat yourself mentally into submission as many women have been taught to do, giving your husband authority over you only to realize that you are being controlled. You also do not have to put pressure on your husband to be the “head of the household” or hold him to expectations that he may struggle to achieve, leaving you feeling disappointed or frustrated. Instead, you can enjoy a partnership with your husband, knowing that he is human, just as you are - and imperfect, just as you are. You can let go of the hope of what he will be (and the pressure that comes with that) and simply live in the reality of who he is (and know that you can accept reality without tolerating it).
As Philippians 2:3,4 instructs us: “in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” This reinforces to us the idea that we are not in authority over others but that each of us is entitled to our own interests. If you find that you and your spouse are mutually interested and invested in the deepening of your relationship, then your relationship will grow. But if you find that your spouse’s interests appear to be different than your own - perhaps they do things that bring discord or conflict (like these 40+ tactics of emotionally unhealthy people) - then value their interest in doing things that lead to separation rather than putting your own interests first by insisting on togetherness.
Control
When husbands are pressured with the expectation to be the authority in their home and they don’t even have proper authority over themselves to make good decisions, solve problems appropriately, or manage their behavior or emotions, then the result of the expectation for them to be in authority is likely to be that they become either controlling (in their attempt to do what they believe they are supposed to do) or passive (as they give up on trying).
And when wives are pressured with the expectation that they will submit to an emotionally unhealthy authority, the result is often that they begin to sense that they are losing themselves and, in an effort to correct that, become either authoritative over their husbands or they continue to lose themselves, falling apart emotionally and physically.
Pressure to perform is legalism, and Christ came to free us from the bondage of the law. Being under bondage and control is the antithesis of what Christ died for. Indeed, “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free” (Galatians 5:1). So we can stop trying to get others (and ourselves) to behave the way we think they should, and stop listening to people who, “after beginning by means of the Spirit, are now trying to finish by means of the flesh” (Galatians 3:3). We answer to God. God is our only authority. People are wrong a LOT. So you can stop trying to get yourself or your spouse to do what others think they should do, and then you will find that our…..
hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation…
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