40+ tactics that are unhealthy, dysfunctional, and destructive

Being able to put a name to the behavior that is making you wonder who’s the one in the wrong can bring a sense of confidence in your intuition and let you know that you are not alone in what you are experiencing.

What follows are more than 40 tactics that may be used by those who do not have healthy and mature ways of dealing with conflict.

1. Projection – They accuse you of character traits and behaviors that THEY have (being greedy, suspicious, angry, unforgiving, arrogant, irrational, etc.).

2. Bullying – They use verbal or nonverbal language to let you know that you aren’t a match for them.

3. Word Salads - Confusing, jumbled statements that leave you wondering "what are you talking about?!"

4. Rabbit Trails – Unending arguments that have no logical progression but, instead, have a series of diversions off the main topic in order to distract you from the real problem.

5. Creating Chaos and Conflict – Everything you want to do is sabotaged. You’re made to feel that you can't ever seem to get it right. And everything is up for discussion as though it's a big deal, even if it's not.

6. Nitpicking – They are impossible to please because, just when you feel like you’re doing something exactly the way they want you to, you’re told that you’re not doing it right.

7. Game Changing – There are always more rules and you never know which ones apply.

8. Begging – They act like they need to talk, or they need you to do something for them, or they need something from you, etc.

9. Misrepresenting your thoughts, words, or actions – You did something with good intentions and they accuse you of doing it for the wrong reasons

10. Taking everything personally – Everything becomes an offense to them (even things that have nothing to do with them – e.g. you get a raise, they think it’s not fair)

11. Black and white thinking – There’s a “right” and “wrong” to everything – and you better get it right

12. Flipping the script – If you express concern about their behavior toward you, they’ll turn it back on you, making it so that you never address their behavior.

13. Smearing/slandering – Telling others about how bad you are, the terrible things you do to them, and how abusive you are (taking projection one step further by telling others that you are guilty of the behaviors that are actually their own)

14. Stalking – Trying to find out information about you in order to smear or slander you – or following you around either physically or virtually via social media to remind you that they are still there and can still affect you

15. Triangulating - Also known as building allies, they use smearing, accusations, and misrepresentations as techniques to get people to side with them and to believe that you are the bad guy

16. Pre-emptive defense posturing – They set themself up as the good guy who just wants what’s best for everyone. They use this set-up as a reason that you need to trust them and believe that they have good intentions.

17. Baiting – Doing something subtle to get you to react and, when you do react, acting surprised that you’re reacting or accusing you of being irrational or taking it the wrong way.

18. Setting you up for failure – Asking you to do something, then criticizing you for how you do it. Everything is a no-win situation for you.  

19. Sugarcoating – Pretending to compromise, making things sound innocent when they are not, giving “choices” that aren’t really choices (e.g. “you can eat what’s on your plate or go to your room – what are you going to choose?” – to be clear: giving someone two negative options is not giving someone a choice).

20. Silent treatment – Ignoring you or giving minimal responses to you with the intention of punishing you

21. Ghosting - Taking the silent treatment to the next level and pretending you don’t even exist by not responding to you or acknowledging you at all

22. Guilt-tripping – Trying to make you feel bad about your opinions or feelings or trying to make you feel like you are in the wrong

23. Invalidating your thoughts, feelings, and opinions – Telling you that you shouldn’t feel the way you do, that your opinion is misguided, or that your ideas aren’t accepted

24. Double standards – They make the rules that you have to follow, but THEY don’t follow them themselves.

25. Name-calling/Belittling – Saying that you are “ungodly” or “rebellious” or “irrational” is name-calling, too

26. No good deed goes unpunished – You do something nice for them and later they use it to get something that they want from you or to shame or criticize you

27. Give an inch and they take a mile – Trying to compromise feels more like getting reeled in by a fisherman’s hook until they have everything they want

28. Avoiding responsibility – They act like there’s nothing they could have done differently to produce a different outcome and they aren't to blame for how something turned out

29. Demanding respect, change, or exclusive attention – They remind you that you have to respect them, they accuse you of not being available when they want you to be, or they tell you that you need to change some aspect of yourself for their benefit

30. Empty promises – Saying they’ll do something for you, acting like they want to, but then not doing it

31. Appealing to authority – Quoting (or misquoting) authors, pastors, statistics, or the Bible to make it sound like they are right and the authorities agree with them

32. Using emotions to get their way – Chronic anger, mood swings, and words like “disappointed” or “sad” that are used to get you to do what they want

33. Jealous of you, your talents, your goals – They get upset when you or someone else succeeds, does something well, gets recognized, or experiences personal growth

34. Hypersensitivity – You feel like you have to walk on eggshells so that they don’t get upset with you, so you don’t stress them out or hurt their feelings, or so they don’t accuse you of doing something on purpose against them

35. Blaming-shifting - Saying things aren’t their fault, that you’re the problem, and that if only you did something differently then they wouldn’t have behaved that way

36. Playing the victim – Making it sound as though they are the innocent recipient of your unreasonable behavior and they have no control over what happens

37. Flattery – Using insincere compliments to get what they want from you

38. Piggybacking – Using everything that you say as though it is their original thought or opinion

39. Threatening behavior - Stomping their feet, throwing things, displaying weapons, slamming doors

40. Gaslighting  - Trying to make you feel like your perception of reality is not accurate and that you don’t see or hear or remember or interpret things correctly. They get you to doubt yourself and your judgement so that they can be your source of authority.

41. Appealing to your conscience – Throwing Bible darts (accusations that you aren’t in line with the Bible), using Scripture to try to modify your behavior, trying to get you to feel like you are in the wrong

42. Telling you what to think and feel – For example: Telling you that boundaries are not biblical, that you have to agree with their opinions, that you can’t say “no” to them, and that you need to prove your love

43. Delaying—“We’ll talk about it later” or “I don’t want to decide right now” so that they never have to address it

44. Condemning/Shaming – Telling you how wrong you are to do what you’re doing, that you should be ashamed of yourself, or that they don’t know how you can sleep at night

45. No-man - The default answer to nearly every request is “no”

46. Creating competition - they set up scenarios where you have to choose between them and something (or someone else)

47. Jealousy - they get upset when you spend time, money, or emotions on other people

48. Accusations - Making you feel as though you are at fault for things that you did not do or that are not your fault