A common scenario in unhealthy relationships is that, after a conflict or offense, one spouse wants to just move on as though nothing happened while the other is left feeling that, without an apology or some mutual understanding, it’s not been properly resolved. And if you try to bring it up, you hear things like:

“It’s over and done with”

“You need to just forgive and move on”

“Stop living in the past”

“I said I’m sorry”

“There’s nothing to talk about”

“You’re over-reacting”

These are ways of deflecting attention away from something that needs to be dealt with, and people do this when they don’t want to be held accountable or take any responsibility for their words or behavior.

They may also say things that are intended to make you feel guilt or shame, as though it’s you that has done something wrong:

“Why don’t you trust me?”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Why can’t you just forgive?”

“I can’t help it that you’re still upset about it”

You can get all 40+ tactics of emotionally unhealthy people here.

Often, people fall for it. They believe the narrative that their spouse is pushing - that they shouldn’t still be upset - and they try to just forget about it and move on. They concede that maybe their spouse is right, that maybe they are trying to bring up something that they should leave in the past, and that they should just forgive now that it’s over with. But is that really what’s required of you?

The short answer is: no.

Forgiveness

Particularly when your spouse has significantly or repeatedly wronged you and has not acknowledged it or done the work of repentance, you aren’t required to just forgive and move on. Not only is that not healthy for the relationship (because it creates a power differential, leaves room for resentment to build, tolerates sin, and creates a destructive relationship dynamic), but it also is not the example that God demonstrates. There are many people who ask God to forgive them or they “go to confession” and yet they never receive the forgiveness of God, and they remain unchanged - because their confession or asking for forgiveness isn’t accompanied by repentance.

We don’t receive God’s forgiveness unless we repent. God doesn’t forgive over and over and over just because we ask for it or just because we confess, and certainly not when we just expect that he will forgive. No, he offered forgiveness once on the cross, and everyone who receives it gets it. It’s offered (not granted), and it has to be received. And a person can’t receive it if there’s no repentance, because, without repentance, a person doesn’t see their need for it - they don’t see their sin as utterly sinful - so they won’t see their need to receive forgiveness and won’t reach for it with a sincere heart. [Read more about this in my article on forgiveness]

So, what should you expect after a conflict, particularly one in which you feel wronged?

(Now let me pause our discussion and go off on a short tangent here, because I know what some of you are thinking: “Yes, I do feel wronged, but I wasn’t perfect, either - I certainly had my part in the conflict, so I was wrong, too.” And, you’re right, no doubt. But the relationship can’t be repaired by you apologizing and then letting your spouse off the hook. So stay with me here. People often say that all sin is equal, and I get what they’re implying: that sin is sin and it’s all wrong, and you should be the bigger person and apologize first, and you have to remove the log from your own eye before you can remove the splinter from theirs, and so on and so forth. But not all sin is the same. Although all sin is equally wrong, there are actually two kinds of sin: sin that is repented of and sin that isn’t. One sin leads to salvation, the other leads to destruction. So your sin might not be the same as your spouse’s sin. Before you apologize, you have to be aware of who you are apologizing to based on their willingness to repent; because if you confess sin to Satan (who never repents), he destroys you with it. And that’s what can happen if you confess sin to someone who isn’t willing to repent of their own. So, even though you want to take responsibility for your own part, hold off for the moment until you get to see who you’re really apologizing to.)

There must be reconciliation before the relationship can be restored. And, as noted before, regarding forgiveness, the readiness to offer forgiveness is a necessary step toward reconciliation, but it isn’t enough to restore the relationship. Reconciliation itself is going to depend, at least in part, on the attitude and actions of your spouse.

This may come as a surprise, especially to your spouse. If they aren’t genuinely repentant, they may resent that you want them to apologize and that you want to then have some time to observe their behavior and confirm the genuineness of their apology. They may act like it’s unreasonable of you to ask for amends or for change before there can be full restoration of the relationship. They may tell you that you have to just trust them again. They may resort to statements like, “I guess you can’t find it in your heart to forgive,” or, “you’re not acting like a Christian” or “the Bible says you have to forgive.” These are all signs that the person is not interested in a healthy relationship with you - they just want to do things their way, not the right way. Your spouse must be willing to accept that reconciliation is a process and not a one-time event. If your spouse is genuinely repentant, they will recognize and accept that the harm they’ve caused takes time and effort to heal.

Steps toward reconciliation

What is the right way to repair a relationship when it’s been rended? Here are the steps that are be necessary for reconciliation, particularly when offenses have not been resolved the right way in the past.

1.  Seek an understanding

he person who committed the wrong should take the initiative to ask for the perspective of the person they wronged. It’s human nature for a person who has wronged someone to get defensive, justify actions, and feel afraid to ask the one they’ve wronged to explain their perspective and their pain. But it’s a sign of humility and integrity for them to want to hear how their actions have affected you. They can say something like “I know I’ve hurt you, and I want to hear what that was like for you.”

Now, to be fair to them, it’s important that you be sure that you are a safe person for them to approach with this kind of vulnerability. If they fear that asking you how you think and feel about what they’ve done will result in a verbal assault, getting shamed, or any other emotion-driven attempts to resolve the emotional discomfort you may be feeling, they may not be able to do this step. So be sure that you’ve done your work before you expect them to do theirs.

2.  Listen with empathy

It takes a lot of self-control and humility for them to truly listen to you explain how they’ve hurt you. The temptation will be for them to jump in while you’re talking and try to defend themselves, explain their behavior, minimize it, disregard the impact it had, justify the reasons for it, or point out your flawed ways of handling the situation as well. But for this step to be effective, they have to sit quietly and have their heart prepared to accept your perspective and validate your feelings. What you think and feel is real to you even if they think you should think or feel differently. If your spouse cannot listen with empathy, then this process stops. Do not take the opportunity to try to train them on how to effectively carry out this step. Simply say something like, “it looks like you’re having a hard time listening, so we’re not going to be able to continue this discussion.”

3.  Confess and take responsibility

The next step is for them to acknowledge that what they did was hurtful or wrong. This needs to be done without excuse. It also needs to be done without asking for reciprocation - this is about what they’ve done, not about what you’ve done. You can go through the process again if there’s a need to talk about what you’ve done, but stick to the current focus for now. Proverbs 28:13 says "Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

4.  Make a genuine apology

When you have been wronged, it is right and good to have an expectation of repentance before there can be reconciliation - before the two of you can just “move on.” And this isn’t something that occurs in a moment, particularly if there is a pattern of offenses that have occurred over and over. An insincere apology, generic apologetic actions, or feigned repentance (e.g. acting like everything is fine) keeps people in a dysfunctional cycle rather than helping you get out of it. It triggers your hope just enough that maybe things will get better; so you accept minimal (or no) effort in exchange for genuine repentance. If this is happening, be sure to read my article that reveals whether your spouse is really changing or is just doing things that get you to think they are.

A genuine apology includes the following elements, using the acronym “I AM SORRY”:

I - the statement “I am sorry” along with the specific behavior they are sorry for (not the statement “I apologize” - saying “I apologize” is a statement about what they are doing (apologizing), it isn’t the same as saying they are sorry; also a general statement like “I’m sorry if I hurt you” or “I’m sorry for what I did” does not demonstrate a sufficient understanding of what they are apologizing for)

A - an empathetic statement of how it AFFECTED the other person

M - the MOTIVE behind why they did it - not as an excuse but to show that they have insight into the reason behind it

S - restating that they SHOULDN’T have done it

O - a statement showing understanding of the OUTCOME of their actions (how it affected the relationship)

R - taking RESPONSIBILITY for how they behaved

R - how they should have RESPONDED instead

Y - a statement of how they YEARN to do better and what they will do to prevent it from happening again

Here’s an example of what that might look like as a full apology:

I -  I am sorry that I criticized your decision.

A - You probably felt judged and dishonored.

M - I had an air of superiority and that was selfish of me.

S - I was putting you down, and that’s not OK.

O - It damages your confidence and our relationship when, instead,

R - I should be doing what it takes to build you up.

R - I should have honored and supported your decision, because it’s your decision to make.

Y - I want to be sure that, going forward, I don’t try to control your decisions but, rather, give you the freedom and support that you need.

5.  Determine what needs to be done to make amends… and do it

Every apology, for true repentance to occur, must include a turning from the wrong behavior and going a different direction. The question should be asked: What needs to happen in order to go a different direction? This takes more than a statement of “I won’t do it again” or your spouse giving you permission to call them out when they do something hurtful. It takes a concerted effort on their part (not with you “helping” them) to do things differently. Here are some examples:

If it was financial mismanagement: “I’ll turn financial control over to you"

If it was anger: “I’ll learn what was behind it and how to heal that” (and they can keep you in the loop regarding what they’re learning, which is on the list of one of the best gifts your spouse can give you)

If it was control: “I’ll seek out tips on how to let go”

If it was laziness: “I’ll commit to a written plan or schedule for doing my part”

If it was being inconsiderate: “I’ll set a reminder/alarm on my phone to do something considerate”

If it was criticism: “For each criticism that comes to mind, I’ll remind myself of 3 things that I could be criticized for and how it feels so that I’m not so quick to criticize”

If it was an unwillingness to help: “I’ll make a plan to go above and beyond to do things to help, and I’ll show you my plan”

If it was greed: “I’ll schedule generosity into my budget”

If it was violence or sexual assault: “I’ll sleep in the other room until you feel safe with me again, and I will explore with a counselor what it is about me that led me to do that to someone I claim to love”

Hopefully you get the point. The goal is not “penance” or a “making up for it.” The goal is that your spouse would desire a change in their heart that shows up in their character and behavior and is consistent over time.

Godly Sorrow

2 Corinthians 7:8-11 describes what it looks like when the process is done correctly: “Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter [of rebuke], I do not regret it. Though I did regret it - I see that my letter hurt you [rebuke can hurt], but only for a little while - yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance [not just sorrow, but repentance]. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us [the rebuke didn’t create harm but healing]. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness [regarding the seriousness of the sin], what eagerness to clear yourselves [to make it right], what indignation [righteous anger over the wrong that was done], what alarm [that it happened and the hurt it caused], what longing [for it to be made right], what concern [for those who were hurt], what readiness to see justice done.”

Do not think that you are being Christ-like by "moving on as though nothing happened” when there have been repeated, unrepented-of offenses. Even Christ didn’t forgive like that. There is work that needs to be done to reconcile. And while you’re waiting, here’s what you can do in the meantime.

With the belt of truth around your waist, knowing that you aren’t required to just move on, you will find that: Hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation….

Want to talk to someone about reconciliation? Schedule a Breakthrough Session.

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