5 Indicators That Your Spouse Is Actually Sorry (And How to Tell if They’re Not)

August 10, 2019 Changing Us

In your attempts to improve your relationship with your spouse, a new approach or dedication to trying harder might create a sense that things are getting better or that your spouse is changing.

But . . . is it real?

I’ve experienced the confusion and watched the heartache that happens when a person believes that their spouse is changing, and they decide to let down their guard or put a little slack in their boundaries. And I understand why a person would do that: They want to believe that God is answering their prayers, they want to believe that their spouse wants what they want, and they want to believe that everything they’ve poured into the relationship will finally be fruitful.

But months or years down the road, the changes haven’t lasted.

Everyone wants to be the exception. Everyone wants to believe that something about their situation is different and it will produce a different result. And I hope and pray that for you. But stay grounded in reality, even as you hold out hope.

When people start to experience the painful consequences of their behavior, they start to do things to avoid the pain.

In response to the boundaries you are setting or your new approach toward your spouse, your spouse might begin to start doing things differently in order to avoid having to deal with the consequences of not cooperating with you. The tactics your spouse uses to avoid those consequences can make it look like they are changing. It’s like a child who, when about to get disciplined, says “OK, OK, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again!” And it might be effective for the child to avoid punishment – at least the first time. (If it works, use it, right?) But how many times do you let that happen before you realize that the child will do it again and will tell you every time that they won’t do it again?

Well-crafted damage control (or image control) to avoid consequences is not the same as repentance.

When people do things to avoid painful consequences, that is manipulation. When people repent, it is a realization that they are causing pain and turn from it so as not to hurt someone else again. The first is selfish. The second is selfless.

Hosea 7: 14 expresses the difference between true repentance and manipulation: “they do not cry out to me from their hearts, but wail upon their beds.” Wailing because it hurts and crying out from your heart are two different things.

How can you know if your spouse’s “changes” are genuine?

Authentic Apology

Anyone can say they’re sorry, but few can fake it well. Just because they say they are sorry doesn’t mean they are, so don’t take their word for it. A sincere apology will have 4 components:

a. what they did (accepting full responsibility without any blame-shifting)

b. how it affected you

c. an expression of sorrow over how it affected you

d. a clear and specific statement of intention not to do it again.

These components should be stated with specific examples, not general, off-handed statements like “I shouldn’t have yelled. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again” or blame-shifting statements like “I get so angry when you do that. I’m sorry.”

It should feel more like this: “I allowed myself to get really worked up over that. That must have been scary for you. I don’t want to be like that. I am really going to work on letting go of control by giving you the freedom and respect that you deserve.”

2. Action

This is where the rubber meets the road. Is their behavior changing? And, not just their behavior, but the character underneath? My husband used to change his behavior by what he called “working on controlling [his] anger” – which meant not yelling – but the feeling of his anger radiating from him while he spoke without yelling was still scary – his anger was still evident. That’s because his anger wasn’t the problem – the problem was his desire to control everything which resulted in anger when he didn’t get what he wanted. James 4 talks about how having desires that aren’t met lead to fights and quarrels. That’s exactly what was happening. Look for character changes behind the changed behavior.

3. Ability to maintain changes over time

Don’t rush too soon to forgive and forget. It can take time for his true character to be revealed (maybe 6 months to a year or more). A person’s character stands the test of time. A mask wears out. If your spouse is able to maintain (and increase) qualities that show good character over a long period of time, there might be a chance.

4. Accountability

Unhealthy people do not like being held accountable. When someone can stop and listen to someone else’s feedback, acknowledge that it is valuable feedback, and use it to change direction, something good is happening.

5. Aftermath

Results speak for themselves. A bad tree doesn’t bear good fruit. What is the result of the “changes” your spouse is making? Are your spouse’s other relationships improving? Does your spouse seem happier? Free-er? Have they changed spending habits, eating habits, activities, friends? Is it having a positive ripple effect in your spouse’s life and the others around them? Do you feel safer sharing truthfully with them?

Or, despite “changes” is your spouse still struggling with relationships? Resistant to certain feedback? Is there still a caution or tension? Listen to your gut. Don’t over-ride your instinct with your brain. Time is on your side. Patience is good, but only if you are paying attention to patterns and staying in reality. If you see a pattern, there’s a problem. Patience shouldn’t mean giving your spouse a lot of chances to keep hurting you, your children, and themselves. What are the results of the “changes” telling you?

Here are some indications your spouse’s “changes” are not genuine:

1. Surface level

Your spouse is buying you things, trying to be more attentive to you, controlling their actions but not fixing what’s going on inside, being romantic, wanting to go to couples counseling, etc. You know your spouse’s tactics. Just because your spouse is trying to make you feel good doesn’t mean that they’re changing. It just means that, like a little kid, they know how to suck up and avoid consequences. Well-crafted damage control is not repentance.

2. Not consistent

Sometimes your spouse seems like they’re getting better, sometimes not. Inconsistency can indicate that the changes are not happening on the inside, but rather are an attempt at external control

3. Not pervasive

The changes don’t apply to everything. Maybe you spouse is better with you, but not with the kids. Or maybe the other way around. Or maybe your spouse is better toward you and the kids but still expresses unhealthy attitudes about other people (employees, a boss, people on the news, other drivers on the road)

4. Accompanied by any of the following:

guilt trips (“You’re making this harder”)
blame-shifting (“If you could have more patience I’d be doing better”)
pity parties (“I’m so stressed”)
false humility (“I know I’m a terrible person”)
expectations of you (“I’m doing better but you don’t seem to care”)
table-turning (“I’m working on me, why don’t you work on yourself”)
fake accountability (they’ve found a group of people to hold them accountable that aren’t really doing that)

5. The changes don’t stand the test of time.

Character is revealed over time. If there isn’t improvement or you find yourself being “patient” by making excuses or minimizing your spouse’s behavior with thoughts like “it’s just little things that aren’t a big deal” – beware. Everything counts. A healthy person has integrity – wholeness of character. Not perfection, but right motives.

While your spouse is “changing,” focus on getting yourself healthier. The more clearly you see, the more the dirt will be visible. And the healthier you are, the better your boundaries will be to expect appropriate behavior.

Looking for marriage advice?

Here’s what others are saying: “It’s amazing to me that I’ve been feeling this [confusion, tension] for decades and talking about it and nothing has helped. But in just weeks you’ve unlocked this awareness for me. Blows my mind.”