What Should I Do? (What To Do When You Want To Do The Right Thing)

February 17, 2021 Changing Us

How many times a day do you say, hear, or think the words “should” or “shouldn’t”?

“I should be more supportive”
“I shouldn’t get upset about that”
“I should think more positive thoughts”
“I shouldn’t do that if it will upset someone”

Or someone says to you:

“You should be more respectful”
“You shouldn’t be like that”
“We should have unity”
“You shouldn’t be making things harder”

Do you live your life by those “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”?

Living by what “should” or “should not” be is to be trying to live in a way other than the way things are. It’s trying to force yourself to live up to what you (or someone else) thinks should be reality. But living in the “should” is to live a lie.

People can’t be genuine and honest when they live in the fantasy of “should" because rather than living in the reality of what is, they are forgoing reality in order to do what they think they “should.” But responding according to the reality of what’s in front of you and being honest about it is the foundation of healthy relationships. [Read my article on how to communicate honestly]

Now, in defense of those who live by “shoulds” while feeling completely the opposite on the inside (in effect smiling and saying “bless your heart” because that’s the way you “should'“ treat people, while on the inside giving someone the middle finger), there are reasons that people aren’t honest and there are reasons for why they live in “shoulds” instead of reality.

One reason is because they are told that if they do what they “should” do, then they’re doing the right thing (even if it isn’t honest, like saying “bless your heart” when they’re are actually quite upset with someone - and they do that because they believe that they “should” be nice and “shouldn’t” hurt someone’s feelings). [Read my article on how to discern God’s will for your relationship]

But another reason is that people have likely experienced what happens when they are honest about what they see, experience, think, or feel: they get shamed, berated, called names, slandered, blamed, or accused of being unChristian. Many people resort to all kinds of unhealthy tactics when they encounter someone who is truthful in a way that others don’t think they “should” be. Therefore, it isn’t safe to be truthful in some cases. So to do what you “should” is a safer move.

However, it may not produce what you think it does, because people can sniff out “fake” from miles away - and “fake” is lying - and lying creates unhealthy division - it can stir up condemnation and resentment.

The truth can create division, too. For example, when people don’t want to hear the truth, they might leave - leave the conversation, leave the room, or leave the relationship. But don’t have regrets about that, because as someone who is emotionally healthy and able to speak the truth in love, you don’t want to waste your time or energy on someone who is not open to truthful dialogue. The best thing in that situation is to go your separate ways.

Are you living like you should?

Perhaps there is someone in your life whom you have been trying to live with in a “should” kind of way.

You feel like you should be tolerant of their hurtful behavior and not let it affect you.
You feel like you should try to accommodate them because of the relationship you have with them.
You feel like you should continue to be nice to them even though they don’t appreciate it and aren’t nice to you.
You should just avoid conflict and keep the peace

Are you really doing either of you any favors by lying? Isn’t your “should” behavior creating more tension in the relationship? You are starting to feel resentful that you are living as you “should” but the other person isn’t. The other person is feeling like you “should” be doing more - or that you’re only doing it because you “should” but that your heart isn’t in it. That’s not a healthy relationship.

Healthy relationships and honesty

A healthy relationship is one in which you can be honest - and the other person gives you the freedom to do that.

But because of how we’ve been indoctrinated by statements of how things should be, the hardest part of being honest . . . is being honest with ourselves. It’s recognizing when we’re lying and it’s being willing to tell the truth.

We lie so much throughout the day that we aren’t even aware that we do it:

You believe you have to resolve arguments before you go to bed because you “shouldn’t” let the sun go down while you’re still angry (even though you’re exhausted and just want to stop arguing)
You push aside your feelings that you’re being used as a sex object in order to have sex with your husband because you “should”
You say you had a good day (even when you haven’t) and listen to someone’s else’s story of their day because you “should” be interested in their day
You “shouldn’t” have expectations of your spouse so you let him walk all over you even though it doesn’t feel right
You act like you have a good marriage and a great spouse because you “shouldn’t” speak negatively about your spouse or tell anyone what your marriage is really like

These are all ways that we “lie” to ourselves and others because we “should.”

But the Bible says “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter” (Isaiah 5: 20).

These “religiously correct lies” may seem like the right thing to do - it feels like self-control and kindness to smile and say “bless your heart” while inside you’re giving someone the middle finger. But the only one you’re fooling is yourself. The other person can sense your passive-aggressiveness or your disingenuousness, and it creates tension in the relationship and a sense that you can’t be honest with each other. And that tension and withholding of ourselves creates resentment and division.

On the other hand, when we know that we can express our thoughts, feelings, experiences with someone without getting blasted, when we can discuss our views and opinions without being made to feel as though they are wrong, and when we can set a boundary and know that it will be honored, that’s when we are in healthy communion with each other and the relationship can flourish.

Here’s what you can do to do foster honesty in your relationships:

1. Start to recognize when you have feelings that signal that you are not being honest

Feeling your blood pressure rising as you think about how to respond to someone
Running through different responses in your head
Sensing your guard going up
Feeling like you have to READ (Reason, Explain, Argue, or Defend)
Ignoring what your gut instincts are telling you
reminding yourself of what you “should” or “shouldn’t” do

Those are all signals that you are feeling the pressure of “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts” in order to be heard, liked, respected, or affirmed.

2. Let go of the need to be heard

Your job is to communicate honestly. It is not your job to convince the other person to accept what you have to say. If you feel the need to try to….

Reason: provide them with insight after it’s clear they won’t accept it

Explain: explain yourself and your reasons for doing something

Argue: argue your position while they argue theirs

Defend: defend what you believe while they devalue it

….then your sense of self is resting on someone else’s willingness to agree with you. Let go of the need to be heard and understood. Don’t waste your time trying to explain yourself to someone who is committed to misunderstanding you. You know you are right - you don’t have to convince anyone of it.

3. Let your “yes” be “yes” and your “no” be “no”

Whether the other person accepts your answer or not, act in a way that is consistent with your words. If you communicate honestly but then back down or give in to someone else because they don’t accept what you said, then your actions are saying “yes” even though on the inside you had already said “no” - and that is a lie that will create resentment within you, and the other person may sense that you aren’t being genuine.

4. Stick with the reality of what “is” - not with the fantasy of what “should be”

Develop a lifestyle of honesty by thinking about what is true (Philippians 4: 8) and acting in accordance with reality. For example: If your husband is being rude, sarcastic, or critical of you, you might think that you “should” be kind and gentle to him (or that you “should” be a good example to him). But the reality is that, when someone isn’t treating you well, it creates a movement away from, not a movement toward closeness. Don’t reject reality in favor of trying to pursue the fantasy that moving close to someone who is moving away will bring closeness. [Read my article on the 10 natural laws of relationships]

5. Recognize your own manipulation

If you are going over and over in your head different ways to respond, then you’re probably trying to figure out how to say something to jab them, push their buttons, prove them wrong, insult them, make a point, be sarcastic, reframe their thinking, convince them of something, make them think you’re right, make them feel stupid, or any number of other ways to manipulate the conversation in order to gain some power rather than being honest. If you find yourself wondering how to respond to them:

Stop: Resist the urge to respond right away

Assess: Ask yourself “What am I hoping their response will be if I say this?”

Predict: “Realistically, what will their response be?” (if you know them well enough)

Analyze: Think about whether what you say to them will realistically produce the response you hope for (and you’re usually hoping you can provide some insight to them, aren’t you?). If it likely won’t, then don’t bother saying it. Instead, simply tell them what you believe to be true or what you expect - or don’t bother responding at all (or tell them you won’t respond - and be sure not to act on your desire to explain yourself)

6. Keep your power

Often when we do things because we “should” or “shouldn’t” we give up our power to validate our own reality. Instead, we validate someone else’s reality and give our power to them when we do what they think we “should” do or when we decide not to do something they think we “shouldn’t” do. Don’t give that power to someone else. Decide for yourself what’s the right thing to do. And keep your power and your freedom to make those decisions yourself.

7. Get rid of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”

To get rid of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” isn’t to say that it’s OK to become insensitively honest with others in lieu of believing you should be nice. Honesty without compassion is cruelty. Being honest does not equate to being insensitive. It simply means that you are clear about your values and you can say what you mean in a way that doesn’t devalue the other person’s freedom to have their own values and opinions as well. When you give up what you or others think you “should” or “shouldn’t” do, then you also give up control over what you think others “should” or “shouldn’t” do. You give others freedom to be honest and you will attract others who want the freedom to be honest.

8. Be free

Freedom is not doing whatever you want - it’s doing what is beneficial and constructive (1 Corinthians 10: 23). Galatians 5: 13 says “do not use your freedom to indulge your flesh” and 1 Peter 2: 16 says “do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil.”

Emotionally healthy people embrace their freedom by choosing not to sin (something that only free people can do, by the way), and they give other people the freedom to be who they want to be and do what they want to do without allowing themselves to be sinned against.

That means that when others wrong you, you don’t have to tell them it’s wrong - you can simply do the natural and honest thing: allow their actions to distance you from each other. This will result in either their recognition of the wrong and a desire to make it right - or it will result in unhealthy tactics designed to get you to relinquish your freedom and come back under their control.

When you accept where you are on your journey without thinking that you “should” be in a different place, you find freedom, and it’s then that you realize that . . .