Have you ever approached a holiday, occasion, or celebratory day and thought “All I want is for this day to feel special and not end with someone being upset”?

Maybe on those special days the best gift you could get is to feel like your spouse really cares about you and that the occasion isn’t all about them and what they want.

Yet no matter how hard you try, those special days somehow almost always get ruined [click the link to read my article on how to handle that].

The Best Gift

Because healthy relationships are happy relationships, the best gift a person can give to someone they love is their own personal growth. But not everyone has the capacity for personal growth (narcissists, for example). So before you go sharing this article with your spouse, make sure that you are thinking realistically about whether you spouse has the capacity to change.

If they don’t seem to get it when you offer tips that would help them, then you might need an approach other than what’s in this article. You might try learning about how a change in the role you take in the relationship could help spark change. Or it might be helpful to find out how to handle their behavior.

But if you believe that your spouse is open to suggestions (for example, maybe they’ve asked what they can do for you or what you’d like from them), here are some ideas for gifts of personal growth.

Gifts of Personal Growth

1.  Sharing what they learn about themselves each day

Having someone tell you something they learned about themselves can be a huge trust-builder. It demonstrates self-awareness of areas needing growth and the ability to be intentional enough about growth to pay attention to what helps them grow.

Being able to learn and share areas of personal growth requires two key qualities: humility and integrity.

Humility allows a person to recognize his/her own areas needing growth - and it’s a necessary ingredient for a healthy relationship. Humility is knowing the depravity of our human condition in light of God’s perfection. It’s a state of the heart, not a state of mind. It’s a posture of undeservedness but also of thankfulness that God is perfect, good, and “for” us. It allows us to be OK with having weaknesses but not allowing us to stay there.

Growth also requires a level of integrity which produces a desire to grow. Integrity says “I can do better” and it drives us to improve.

People without humility and integrity tend to be satisfied with who they are and insist that everyone else accept them as they are, too. If your spouse doesn’t seem to have humility or integrity, any attempt you make to help him/her improve is going to be a losing battle.

But if (s)he does have humility and integrity, here are some sentence-starters that (s)he can use to share with you what they’ve learned about themselves each day:

I recognize that I need to improve regarding…

I was convicted about….

I was listening to... and realized…

I was thinking about….

I read about….

I applied this to my life….

I set a goal to….

I’m proud of myself for….

I accepted some difficult feedback about….

I made a mistake…

2. Sincere apologies

When someone has hurt you, it’s a sign of growth and strength for them to come to you with a  sincere apology. Apologizing takes humility and the courage to accept areas of fault - characteristics that build trust in a relationship.

An apology doesn’t necessarily immediately restore trust, but it’s a step toward rebuilding it. Here are the components of a good apology using the acronym “I AM SORRY”:

I - the statement “I am sorry” (NOT “I apologize” - saying “I apologize” is a statement about what they are doing (apologizing), it isn’t the same as saying they are sorry)

A - an empathetic statement of how it AFFECTED the other person

M - your MOTIVE behind why you did it - not as an excuse but to show that you have insight into the reason behind it

S - restate that you SHOULDN’T have done it

O - a statement showing understanding of the OUTCOME of your actions (how it affected the relationship)

R - take RESPONSIBILITY for how you behaved

R - how you should have RESPONDED instead

Y - a statement of how you YEARN to do better and what you will do to prevent it from happening again

Here’s an example of what that might look like as a full apology:

I - I am so sorry.

A - I should not have gotten angry about that, and I can tell that I scared you.

M - I wanted my way and was not considering your perspective.

S - I was bullying you, and that’s not OK.

O - It damages our communication when, instead,

R - I should be doing what it takes to help build our ability to work together.

R - I should have listened and considered your perspective, because it’s valid, and then I wouldn’t have gotten angry and we could have worked it out.

Y - I really don’t want that to happen again, and if I begin to disregard you like that again, please let me know, and I will pause and take a moment to consider your perspective before insisting on mine.

While a sincere apology is important (and an essential component of forgiveness), know that it isn’t all that is required in order to demonstrate genuine change. Read my article on how to know if your spouse is changing.

3. Catching oneself in the act

It demonstrates a high level of integrity for someone to catch themselves doing or saying something they shouldn’t and then being willing to acknowledge that to those around them. For your spouse to catch themselves in the act requires

• the self-awareness to know that what they’re doing is wrong

• and the humble courage to call themselves out.

It’s a huge trust-builder. When someone is able to stop themselves and change direction, it says a lot about their willingness to change.

4. Being positive

It isn’t fun being around someone who is negative, cynical, harsh, sarcastic, or critical all the time. Making an effort to focus on being positive can change not only your relationship but also your life.

Being positive is also a sign of emotional health. In order for someone to be genuinely positive, they have to

• understand that everyone is different and that’s OK

• embrace others’ freedom to be who they are

• be grateful for who they are and what they have

• celebrate others’ success

• accept their own lot in life without staying stuck

5. Expressing gratitude and appreciation for you

The ability of someone to express gratitude and appreciation for you demonstrates that they are thinking of more than just themselves. People who have a hard time being grateful or who seem to have little appreciation for you are focused on themselves and what they have or don’t have - and it’s hard to be grateful and appreciative when you’re only thinking about yourself.

But to demonstrate this area of personal growth requires more than just acknowledging that you did the dishes, picked up the toys, or vacuumed the carpet. With just a little bit of effort, those things are easy to recognize and acknowledge.

For your spouse to really demonstrate that they are thinking of someone other than themselves would be for them to show appreciation for more than what you do but also who you are - that you are generous, selfless, sacrificial, considerate, helpful, etc. You don’t just want to be recognized for getting the house clean, you want them to acknowledge that it took some time, that you gave up doing something else in order to do it, or that you did it because you know it’s important to them. When your spouse can show appreciation for those things, too, they’re really making progress because it demonstrates that they can see from your perspective.

6. Giving you freedom

When you feel freedom from your spouse to be who you are without getting criticized or corrected, that can be a sign of growth. You don’t need a second conscience - the one you have is critical and corrective enough!

When your spouse is often correcting how you think, feel, or act, you start to lose yourself and become enslaved to who your spouse wants you to be. At that point you no longer have a marriage - you have a slave::master relationship. Galatians 5:1 says “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

If you’ve started to lose yourself in your marriage, you might get some insight into what’s really going on in your marriage in my free eBook.

When someone tries to get another person to conform to their own beliefs and desires, they will use certain tactics to get others to yield to their will. It’s important to recognize these tactics in order to begin to learn what is emotionally unhealthy and to learn the characteristics that demonstrate emotional health.

What to expect if you share these ideas

Remember, that if your spouse already has a pattern of not wanting to be held accountable, then don’t waste your time or emotional energy sharing these ideas with them. Instead, you might want to check out my blog to learn about boundaries, how best to help your spouse, or to learn about what stage of your relationship you’re in and how to navigate it at the point you’re at.

If you do feel like your spouse will be open to these ideas, I pray that he/she will find that….

Hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation…

Have questions about your marriage? Schedule a Breakthrough Session and get some clarity and support.

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