Question from a reader: The Bible says that “if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God” (1 Peter 2: 20). I know that I should just accept my husband for who he is and count it all joy no matter how he treats me, but it’s really hard to feel verbally and emotionally beaten down every day. How can I continue to endure in the face of suffering? Do you have any tips?

Answer: The Bible does have a lot to say about suffering, especially as it relates to the suffering that we will experience as a result of our connection to Christ. 

• Romans 5: 3,4 says “we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope”

• Romans 8: 17 says “Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory”

• 2 Corinthians 1: 5 says “we share aundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too”

• In Colossians 1: 24 Paul says “I rejoice in my sufferings.”

• 2 Thessalonians 1: 4,5 says “we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring. All this is evidence that you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering.”

• And 2 Timothy 1: 8 says “join with me in suffering for the gospel.”

It’s easy to look at these verses and think about your suffering and justify what you are going through in your relationship as “suffering for Christ,” but it’s important to understand exactly what the apostles are referring to when they are talking about suffering for the gospel. And 2 Corinthians 1: 6 gives us the answer: “patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer.”

What did Paul and the other apostles and disciples of Jesus suffer for? 

The early disciples didn’t suffer for being kind and forgiving, loving their neighbor, submitting to sinful behavior, or turning the other cheek. No, instead they were suffering for speaking the truth. In fact in Galatians 4: 16 Paul says “Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?” Yes, the Galatians were treating Paul as the enemy because he spoke the truth to them. 

And what truth was that? The truth about their sin. The disciples suffered because they told people about their need to repent and their need for the salvation that Jesus offered.

• In Acts 20: 21-23 Paul said “I have declared that they must turn to God in repentance and have faith in our Lord Jesus. And now I am going to Jerusalem [where] prison and hardships are facing me.”

• In Acts 9: 28, 29 the Jews tried to kill Paul because he was “speaking boldly in the name of the Lord” as he “talked and debated” with them. Note that he was speaking boldly, not submitting quietly.

• In Acts 26: 20, 21 Paul says “I preached that they should repent and turn to God and demonstrate their repentance by their deeds. That is why some Jews seized me in the temple courts and tried to kill me.”

• In 1 Thessalonians 2: 16 Paul says that certain people “are hostile to everyone in their effort to keep us from speaking to the Gentiles so that they may be saved.”

That was the good that they were suffering for: Preaching repentance and salvation. 

Is that what you are suffering for? Or are you suffering for trying to keep quiet and mind your own business? For putting up with your spouse’s bad behavior? For living a lie as you pretend that your spouse is a good person? For failing to be “respectful” and “obedient” the way your spouse wants you to be? For playing God in your spouse’s life as you try to “help” him or her understand and change? For thinking that God wants you to do what your spouse wants you to do thereby putting your spouse in the place of God in your life? 

Why is it important to pay attention to what you are suffering for?

1 Peter 2: 20 says “how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God.” 

So it’s important to recognize the difference between suffering for doing wrong and suffering for doing good. If doing good includes boldly speaking the truth, calling for repentance, and exhorting others to demonstrate their repentance by their deeds, then doing wrong would include the opposite of those things: quietly submitting to others’ abuse, not expecting repentance, tolerating sin, and playing God instead of pointing others to God.

In fact Hebrews 12:1 directs us to “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.” That means that you should look at not only what sin you are committing by putting your spouse above God, but you should consider what sins against you are you tolerating in your life. If someone is sinning against you and you are remaining entangled in it, then your suffering is not for good. You are getting a “beating” for doing wrong, for tolerating sin, and enduring it, as 1 Peter 2: 20 says. And in 2 Corinthians 11:20 Paul chastises the Corinthians, saying “In fact, you even put up with anyone who enslaves you or exploits you or takes advantage of you or puts on airs or slaps you in the face."

On the other hand, if like the disciples you are struggling against sin (instead of tolerating it) and finding that you are being ridiculed or treated harshly for that, it is then that you know that you are suffering for good.

Ways of living that produce suffering

Continuing in Hebrews 12, verses 4-7 describe how the hardship that you endure in your struggle against sin can be viewed as discipline that will help you become more like Christ [to learn more about how struggling against sin can make you more like Christ, get my guide on “What Would Jesus Really Do?]. 

Here are some guidelines that Hebrews 12 gives for how to live in a way that may result in hardship and suffering for doing good:

• “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone” (Hebrews 12: 14)

Luke 10:6 says it this way: “If someone who promotes peace is there, your peace will rest on them; if not, it will return to you.” The presence of peace is detected through discernment. You can tell if someone promotes peace or if they don’t. And this verse emphasizes that if a person does not promote peace, then there will be no peace with them. 

We can learn what it looks like to have peace with someone by using God as our model and understanding what it takes to have peace with God which is obtained as we become aware of our sin and receive the forgiveness that he offers. Romans 5: 1 explains that, stating that “we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” It is Jesus who made a way for us to receive the forgiveness that God offers when we repent. 

What this means for our relationships is that peace is only obtained when someone becomes aware of their wrongdoing, repents, and is forgiven. This is what reconciles us to God and it’s what reconciles us to each other. Ignoring sin does not bring peace. [Click here to read my article on how to be a true peacemaker]

• Ephesians 6: 15 speaks of “the gospel of peace” - that repentance leads to forgiveness of sins. 

• Colossians 1: 20 says that Jesus made “peace through his blood, shed on the cross” - the offering of forgiveness when we recognize our sin, atoned for on the cross, and we see our need for repentance.

• 1 Corinthians 7: 15 has specific advice for married couples, stating that “if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. God has called us to live in peace.” In other words: Are you holding onto someone who isn’t holding on to you? You are not creating peace: By holding on to them and trying to get them to stop creating a rift between you, you are trying to get your spouse to stay when they are showing that they have no interest in staying and doing what it takes to maintain the relationship. 

• 1 Thessalonians 5: 13, 14 says “Live in peace with each other” and then goes on to say “warn those who are idle and disruptive”

• Hebrews 12: 11 tells us that “discipline …. produces … peace.” Is there someone in your home who needs discipline so that peace can be produced? Do not withhold discipline, for in doing so, you withhold the opportunity for there to be peace.

• “[Make every effort] to be holy” (Hebrews 12: 14)

  To be holy means to be set apart - setting yourself apart from sin and ungodliness.

• “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God” (Hebrews 12: 15)

  People fall short when they are not given the opportunity to see their need for repentance. Give your spouse that opportunity by setting boundaries and allowing him/her to experience the pain of the consequences when they don’t respect those boundaries. [Read my article on how boundaries are what produce the opportunity for salvation]

• “[See to it] that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble” (Hebrews 12: 14)

  It is your responsibility to do your part to keep trouble at bay.

• “See that no one is sexually immoral” (Hebrews 12: 16)

  Read my article “Do I Have To Have Sex With My Husband?”

• “[See to it] that no one is godless…

  like Esau who, when he wanted to inherit his blessing, was rejected” because he had given up his blessing for something lesser. Is your spouse giving up the blessing of a good relationship with you in exchange for the lesser things of getting his or her own needs met? We see that “even though he [Esau] sought the blessing with tears, he could not change what he had done.” There are consequences for godlessness and sometimes even tears cannot change the consequences.

All of these are listed as guidelines for living that could result in hardship and suffering, and this is what is good. 

Are you doing good?

So, reflecting on your life, are you suffering for doing good or for doing wrong? Are you calling out sin or are you tolerating it? Are you requiring repentance, or are you the only one saying “I’m sorry”? Are you setting yourself apart from sin and ungodliness, or are you entangled in it?

I hope that it encourages you to know that you do not have to continue to suffer if it is not for the good of the gospel. [Wondering what this means for your marriage? Read my article on how God uses suffering for his glory.] God desires for us to live pure lives, and bad company corrupts good character. Work toward peace by not allowing sin to reign in your home. And as you change what you tolerate, you will find that….

Hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation…

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