Are You Ready For A Relationship?
Whether you are considering trusting someone again or were in a relationship that has ended and you’re thinking about another one, difficult or destructive relationships leave a lot of wounds. Many times people think that, as long as the person has changed, or as long as they don’t get into a relationship with another person like the last one, they’ll be doing better.
But here are a few things to consider:
1. You aren’t healthy enough to determine whether someone is better – your people picker is broken!
Why? Because you haven’t experienced enough of a healthy relationship to know what one looks like. Here’s an example to help you relate:
If someone is going to start a job at a bank and needs to know the difference between counterfeit money and genuine money, they aren’t put into a room filled with counterfeit money. There are too many kinds of counterfeit money to be able to identify them all! But if they are put into a room with real money and are told to study it, feel it, and learn what it’s like, then it becomes clear when anything other than that is counterfeit.
That’s the point you want to get to before you are ready for another relationship - you want to know what a healthy person looks like so well that you’ll be able to recognize when you meet someone who isn’t.
2. The loss of a relationship can bring with it a deep sense of loss, inadequacy, loneliness, failure, and (for some) even a sense of needing revenge.
People often quench these feelings with another relationship, hoping that someone else will make them feel worthy and cared for (and will stick it to your ex).
What happens when you do that is you miss the message in the mess. The relationship that ended, in addition to revealing what was wrong with them, also reveals what is wrong with you. If you don’t seek to remedy that, you will be constantly finding people who reveal your wounds and dysfunction. And when it becomes too painful or overwhelming to deal with, you’ll be losing again.
Rather than getting into another relationship, take advantage of your time alone to reconcile your feelings with reality. Figure out how to satisfy your feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, and failure on your own. (Read my article “Drop the Baggage and Be a Better Spouse”)
3. You won’t be able to bring health to a relationship unless you are healthy yourself.
And a healthy relationship is made up of healthy individuals.
Early on in the process you may want to grow fast – faster than you already are (and you’re flyin’!) – because you want things to be clear and better and you want answers and guidance so you can just fix it all fast. But speeding up the process would cause you to miss important aspects of healing.
Your life is a bit like Deuteronomy 7: 22 where God says that he will drive out the nations little by little, not eliminating them all at once, or the wild animals would multiply around you.
If God were to eliminate all your struggles at once, there would be other things that would come in and overtake you. It is in battle after battle that you are able to overcome and achieve peace.
You will recognize that you are achieving healing when:
You aren’t always thinking of ways to respond to (or get a rise out of) your spouse
You don’t spend your spare time thinking about what you or your spouse could do differently
You do things because you want to, not because you hope it pleases your spouse
You no longer care about what your spouse will think of your decisions
You don’t concern yourself with what is going on in your spouse’s life
You are no longer energized by the negative things that used to energize you (arguments, people-pleasing, remembering details, manipulating)
You don’t feel any condemnation, resentment, or bitterness toward your spouse
You fully embrace the freedom your spouse has and have compassion on how difficult their journey is
You fully comprehend that some people can’t change
You are always mindful of your safety, security, and sanity
You make other changes in your life to preserve your safety, sanity, and security (e.g. change jobs, change friends, move, limit contact with relatives, etc.)
Other things in your life are on your mind more than your spouse is (e.g. God, your children, your career, your friendships, your garden)
You have a balanced view of Scripture (truth and grace co-exist and justice is part of love)
Your relationship with God has less tension and more solidarity
You’re doing the “natural” and leaving the “super” up to God
4. Here’s the final tip on how to tell if you’re ready for another relationship:
You aren’t ready until you stop wondering if you are.
If you find yourself thinking about having another relationship, you likely still have a hole that has to get filled or a wound that has to be healed. And the thought of another relationship puts some salve on it as you consider what that could look like.
An indication that you might be ready for another relationship is when you stop thinking about having one.
You must also have stopped ruminating about whether your marriage might ever be restored. A whole person doesn’t long for relationship. Rather, a whole person finds that they can enjoy others’ company while feeling completely free to express opinions, not cater to others’ needs, and disagree without feeling the need to persuade or get defensive or resentful.
If you can’t fully identify with what I’m talking about, you have some more work to do.
Your starting point should be with God.
As you desire companionship, seek that from God. Go to Scripture, spend time in His Word, journal, worship. Turn your desires to the only one who can fully complete you. Let your ability to fully rest in Him become second nature.
Then, use friendships as a litmus test. Seek out time with others who have entered your life as a result of your healthier approach to life. After you spend time with them, consider:
How strong of a desire did you feel to spend time with them?
When you were with them, how strong of a desire did you feel to make them feel good about themselves?
How strong of a desire did you feel to be like them?
How strong of a desire did you feel to be more committed to the relationship than what is warranted by your familiarity with each other?
Give yourself time, there’s no need to rush.
Going into what you think is the right relationship for the wrong reasons is still the wrong thing to do and will create more heartache, not just for you, but for others in your life as well.
Be strong and courageous. You are God’s child. He will take care of you, protect you, and provide for you. Trust him. And he is faithful.
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