Help! He's Alienating Me From My Children!

August 10, 2020 Changing Us

Question from a reader:

I finally decided I have to start setting boundaries with my husband, and he doesn’t like it. He’s telling people that I’ve gone “rogue” and that I’m going crazy. But the worst part is that he’s trying to turn my kids against me. He’s telling them that he’s trying to keep the marriage together but that I’m the one who wants to tear our family apart. It’s quite the opposite! I’m giving him opportunities to recognize how he’s hurting us and to have a chance to change, but he just keeps blaming me instead of doing what it takes to keep our family together! I’m afraid my kids are going to believe him. I don’t want to lose them. What can I do?

Answer:

The fear of being alienated from your children is very real.

You’ve spent years trying to do the right thing for your children. And as you begin to realize that what you thought was the right thing (trying to please your husband) was actually causing more harm, you are changing your ways, but it’s causing confusion.

Not only is your husband confused by the changes, but your children are probably confused, too. They may have seen your marriage go from a united front to a divided stand-off. And, especially if you’ve glorified their father to them, your change of position might feel like you are betraying your loyalty to him.

If you’ve taught the children to respect him, and they’ve seen him disrespect you, they might easily gravitate toward believing that he is right and you are in the wrong. After all, that’s the impression you’ve been giving them by glorifying him and devaluing yourself. [Read my article on how to prevent your child from becoming a narcissist even if they are being raised by one]

So how can you get your children to see the truth when you’ve been hiding it for so long?

1. Don’t lie to them anymore.

If you’ve been pretending that you have a good marriage and a happy family, it’s time to start telling them the truth. At a time when your husband isn’t around:

confess to them that you had so badly wanted to have a happy family that you had been trying to force it to be that way by pretending and hoping
tell them that you have started to realize that pretending is only making things worse
let them know that things will be changing as you try to figure out how to be a better wife who tells the truth and protects herself and her children
and reassure them that you’ll do your best to help the changes go as smoothly as possible.

2. Help the children learn to trust their feelings

Ask the children to give examples of times that they were scared or that their father’s words or actions didn’t feel right to them. If you had tried to support your husband in those moments, confess that to them, and let them know that you were wrong from doing that. Share with them the ways that trying to do something good (e.g. supporting their father) ended up causing harm.

Children have a very deep and intuitive sense about what is right and wrong, so the more you validate their experience, the more they will believe the truth about the situation, and the more likely they will be to walk toward the light of that truth (you).

3. Help them understand the dynamics of what is occurring

The children are likely to be very confused by the sudden change of dynamics and the increased conflict. Help them understand what is happening. You can say things like, “I used to just agree with everything that Dad said and did, but there are some things that I shouldn’t have agreed with because sometimes Dad is wrong. So now when I disagree with him, it’s not what he’s used to, so he gets angry. He has to work that out.”

4. Don’t ask them to make a choice

It would be natural for the children to feel torn about who to believe.

Let them know that they don’t have to choose to believe one parent or the other.
Give them the freedom to spend time with their father if they want to (or are court-ordered to) and teach them to think independently about their experiences.
Encourage them to share how they think and feel about things that happen while they are with their father.
Be sure not to judge what they think or feel as right or wrong.
When you think they are thinking wrongly about something, ask them questions to get them to think about it more.
When they are evaluating something accurately, validate them, letting them know that they are wise and discerning.

5. Protect them if they are hesitant or don’t want to go with their father

Sometimes parents (and courts) believe that children should be forced to spend time with a parent simply because that parent has “rights” or because that parent is their parent.

However, making a child go with someone (even a parent) with whom they are not comfortable sends the message to the child that their feelings don’t matter (and they shouldn’t trust their feelings), that they can’t say “no” or set boundaries, and that they have to tolerate someone whose behavior is not tolerable.

Imagine what children grow up to be like when they don’t trust their feelings, when they don’t set boundaries, and when they tolerate unacceptable behavior. (They’ll be co-dependent like you and end up in destructive relationships just like you did!)

To the extent that it is possible, and within your legal limits, do what you can to protect your children from the people who you are learning to protect yourself from (even if that is their father). Children shouldn’t be left to try to navigate dysfunction that even you, as an adult, are no longer tolerating.

[Get my guide to help with this by clicking the link below. Hear what others have to say.]

6. Don’t sink to his level

It’s likely that your spouse is resorting to slander in order to make you look like the bad guy: trying to smear your character and make the children doubt your motives or your sanity.

At the same time, he’s making himself out to be the good guy and the stable parent who is trying to be reasonable. [Download my free resource on the tactics people use]

Don’t sink to his level by resorting to slander yourself. Children can sense when they are being pressured, and, like all people, they will gravitate toward freedom. What your husband says about you to the children will feel like pressure to them - because it is - he’s trying to control what they think about you. Counter that with freedom, allowing them to come to their own conclusions without pressuring them to feel like they have to agree with you.

7. Get yourself emotionally healthy

The only way to help your children get through this in the healthiest way possible is for you to be healthy yourself. People are drawn to light. If you don’t learn how to respond to your husband’s dysfunctional tactics in a healthy way, you will continue to be dysfunctional yourself. Then your children will see nothing but a volley of slander and tactics being used to manipulate and control. However, if you learn how to handle the dysfunction calmly and rationally without being drawn in to the chaos and conflict, the children will learn from you how to do that, too.

[Click here to get my workbook to improve your emotional health]

You can’t force your children to side with you - nor should you try. It isn’t about taking sides - it’s about them having the freedom and the clarity to learn how to navigate relationships in the healthiest possible way. As you get healthier, you will find the peace to give them that freedom and even to allow them to choose against you if that’s what they want. It isn’t easy, but . . .

hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .