Oppression and Victim Mentality (Who's REALLY The Victim?)

September 16, 2020 Changing Us

When you hear the word “oppression” you might think of dictatorial governments or harsh treatment of a people group, but not many people would think of it as something that can happen within an interpersonal relationship.

Oppression within a relationship is when one person (or group of people if the “relationship” is occurring within a larger cultural context) has power over the other. That power can be in the form of physical power, but it can also be in the form of manipulative power: the power to control someone by

use of feelings (“you’re hurting my feelings and you need to fix that”)
perception (“you need to see it from my perspective and change so I feel validated”)
behavior (e.g. whining or the silent treatment)
or financial manipulation (either “you need me to survive” or “I need you to survive”)

Power can be very subtle - it’s not always aggressive and obvious. And it can also easily be misassigned by someone looking in from the outside who doesn’t understand the dynamics of what is occurring. What I mean is that the person (or group) with the power can often look like the victim because of the tactics they use to ensure that the other person (or group) is under their control - tactics like the use of feelings, perception, behavior, or financial manipulation. [Click here to access my free resource on 40+ tactics people use]

As an example (and this might seem completely unrealistic to someone who has never experienced it, but it’s very real), here is how a person with power can look like the victim:

Let’s say a husband (who has the power in the relationship) does his laundry, and after the clothes have been washed, he puts them into the dryer and notices that there are already clothes in the dryer - and they’re still wet. But he adds his clothes anyway and starts the dryer.

At the end of the dryer cycle, his clothes are still very wet, and he notices that the dryer was on the lowest heat setting, which is why they’re still wet.

He goes to his wife and says that he tried to dry his clothes, but they are still wet because the dryer was on the lowest heat setting. He says that it’s her fault that his clothes didn’t get dry, and he tells her to go turn on the the dryer (even though he just came from the laundry room and could have done it himself).

The wife, being a person who readily takes responsibility for mistakes, apologizes for forgetting that she’d put delicate clothes in the dryer on the lowest heat setting. She stops what she’s doing, goes to the laundry room, moves the heat dial to the high setting, and restarts the dryer. Problem solved.

Now maybe that doesn’t sound like an oppressor-victim situation to you, but let me break it down. The husband saw that there were already wet clothes in the dryer, made no effort to figure out why they were still wet, realized later that it was because the dryer was on the lowest heat setting, still took no measures to correct it, and went instead to his wife, blaming her for what happened and telling her to fix it. And she did.

The husband has a victim mentality: “this happened to me because of someone else and someone else needs to fix it.” Meanwhile, the wife, who is actually the victim of his oppression (his slave), looks like the strong one, the one with the power to control the situation - because she “fixed” it.

(This dynamic contributes to the common scenario where wives are told by people helpers to “try doing this differently” or “try doing that differently” - because that people-helper has bought the lie that the husband is the victim and the wife has the power to fix it. To some extent, it’s true - but not in the way those people-helpers want it to be. Click here to learn more about what the victim can do to actually contribute to the solution.)

The wife solving the problem does not help their situation. What her “solution” actually does is

reinforce the husband’s victim mentality (he thinks “see, she knows it’s her fault, and she’s going to have to fix it in order for this to be resolved”),
keeps him in a position of power (he can get his wife to do what he wants her to by blaming her),
and further oppresses the wife because she remains under his control.

It’s a tricky dynamic. And it happens. All. The. Time.

It happens in families, it happens in churches, it happens in organizations, and it happens in cities, states, and countries.

So what is the solution?

Let’s start with what the solution to oppression is NOT.

The solution is not:

1. Empathy

One of the characteristics of someone who is oppressed is their ability to see the situation from the oppressor’s perspective and be submissive to that perspective, giving it more weight and authority than their own. While this seems like a mature position, it only serves to reinforce the oppressor's belief that they are right and entitled to someone else solving the problem.

Proverbs 18: 5 says “It is not good to be partial to the wicked.” Wanting to understand someone’s perspective without considering their wickedness will lead to efforts that serve only the oppressor’s position. Proverbs 19: 2 says “desire without knowledge is not good.” It’s too much heart and not enough head.

2. Taking responsibility for something you are not responsible for

It’s one thing to admit to and apologize for leaving wet clothes in the dryer. It’s another to take responsibility for the husband’s irresponsibility and unwillingness to solve the problem himself. It is not part of the solution to take responsibility for things you aren’t responsible for. That only contributes to the problem because it opens the door to continually blame-shifting.

3. Listening to them

Some people might believe that listening to someone will contribute to finding a solution, even if you disagree with them. And with emotionally healthy people that is true - being listened to helps people feel heard and understood - and that is enough to allow them to move toward a solution.

But oppressors aren’t satisfied with just being listened to and heard - they need you to agree with them and do what they want you to do. And if you don’t follow through all the way, you will be accused of not listening and of being part of the problem.

In 2 Corinthians 11 Paul sarcastically shames people who believe that their tolerance is a sign of maturity: “You gladly put up with fools since you are so wise! You even put up with anyone who enslaves or exploits you or takes advantage of you!” Such is the situation for someone who listens so that the other person feels heard - you end up a slave.

4. Agreeing with or validating their perspective

Someone with a victim mentality demands that things should be handled the way they think they should be handled. Saying things like “I can see your point. What can I do to help?” only perpetuates the real problem: that the oppressor wants to be in control by playing the victim. Telling someone with a victim mentality that their perspective is valid only serves to help them dig their heals in and demand more of their way. And they will never see it from your perspective. Proverbs 18: 2 says “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” They will continue to demand that you lean more and more toward them.

What the solution to oppression IS:

1. Draw a clear boundary regarding what is OK and what is not

For example, you could say: “It is OK to let me know that something I did (left the dryer on low heat) contributed to the problem. It is not OK to tell me that I am responsible for all the problems that occurred after that or to act like you are powerless to fix them.” Proverbs 27: 5 says “better is open rebuke than hidden love.” It’s better to tell someone what is not acceptable than to remain silent and obedient to someone’s unreasonableness.

2. Approach every situation with a heart of compassion and a mind of justice

For example, you could say: “You’ve found yourself in a difficult situation. That’s so hard. What are you going to do?” Compassion is having sympathy for them and the situation that they are in. Justice is understanding that “a person’s own folly leads to their ruin” (Proverbs 19:3) and that they are responsible for getting themselves out of their difficult situation. It’s the way to express love without enabling or creating dependence. [Click here to read my article on justice and how it brings peace]

3. Help carry their burdens but not their loads

For example: Let’s say that, as a result of the clothes not getting dry, they have nothing to wear to work, so they don’t go to work, and they lose their job.

The load that they are responsible for is having a job and getting income. You shouldn’t take on their load by financially supporting them, paying their bills, or doing a lot of work to help them look for and land a job.

The burden is the overwhelm of the situation. This you can help with. You can provide emotional support and offer glimmers of hope by making a meal or helping them make connections to new potential employers.

Galatians 6: 2, 5 says “Carry each others burdens . . . each should carry his own load.”

4. Focus on what they CAN do instead of on what they CAN’T

Those with a victim mentality find that the success of their role lies in what they claim they can’t do, making someone else responsible for doing it for them or for making it easier on them.

Everyone has hurdles in life that, through no fault of their own, make their life difficult for them. Each person is responsible for figuring out how to overcome those hurdles. No one else can do that for them. Proverbs 19:19 says “Rescue them and you will have to do it again.”

It is in figuring out how to overcome them that people find success. Decline to remove hurdles or make them easier to overcome for people who are capable of overcoming them themselves. Anything else simply creates dependence and sets you up to get blamed when things don’t go well. And you become the victim. [Read my article on why we shouldn’t stop using the term victim]

Some might say we need to love like Jesus

When people say this, what they are saying is that they believe that love is making other people feel good and cared for because that’s what Jesus meant when he said “love your neighbor” and that’s how Jesus makes us feel. But this is not how Jesus lived or loved. He didn’t make everyone feel loved and cared for, and he didn’t do things for others at their command. [Click here to access my free resource called “What Would Jesus REALLY Do?”]

Here are some examples:

He didn’t show people a sign when they asked him for one (Matt 16: 4)
He didn’t agree that the money for the perfume should be given to the poor (John 12: 7,8)
He didn’t heal the widow’s daughter when she first asked him to (Mark 7: 27)
He left people unhealed in his hometown - in his hometown! (Matt 13: 58)
He didn’t go to the Festival of Tabernacles when his brothers thought he should (John 7: 3)
He wouldn’t talk to his mother and brothers (Matt 12: 48)
He said it’s OK to throw people out who aren’t pulling their weight (Matt 25: 30)

To really love people is to help them find God.

When you do things for others that they could do themselves, rather than finding God they see you as the “god” who can affect their lives - one to be either blamed or relied upon. You can help people find Jesus by choosing not to be their rescuer. This leaves room for them to find Jesus.

Our hearts should be desperate to help people find Christ. To find CHRIST. The ONLY one who can save. The ONLY one who can solve our problems. The ONLY one who sets us free.

And the only way to find Christ is for people to become aware of their desperate need for him. For HIM. Not for someone else to solve their problems. They need JESUS. That doesn’t mean that you should do nothing, but it does mean that you should know what it really means to love like Jesus.

So how can you love like Jesus amidst the fear that you will be accused of not being FOR someone? Amidst the fear of being labeled as the enemy? The accusation that you aren’t on someone’s side can be a strong motivation to keep enabling someone.

That fear can feed you the lie that you won’t have an opportunity to share Jesus if others don’t feel heard or loved. But that’s not the truth. The truth is that it is only in the desperation of having nowhere else to turn that people find Jesus. And it is then that they realize that . . . .

hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .