Seven mistakes that are ruining my relationship?! If there were things I was doing that were ruining my relationship, I wanted to know! I was committed to doing whatever was necessary to make my relationship better.

Since you’re reading this, maybe that’s where you’re at, too. You are always looking for ways to improve. You’ve read a lot of books, heard a lot of talks, gone to marriage conferences or retreats, and maybe have even gone to counseling. And you feel like you know a lot and are doing a pretty good job doing your part. But, for some reason, your relationship still isn’t that good. What’s going wrong?

Maybe you’re making some of these relationship mistakes.

1. Taking responsibility

You know that people who are mature take responsibility. They do their part, carry their own load. But the other aspect to responsibility is knowing when not to take it. If you are trying hard to do all the right things, you might not just be carrying your own load – you might be carrying your spouse’s, too. See if you are guilty of any of these:

• Cleaning up after your spouse all the time – If you do this you are taking responsibility for their failure to contribute to the well-being of the family.

• Saying and doing things so that they are happy or to prevent them from getting angry – If you do this, you may be trying to manage their emotions and are taking responsibility for their moods.

• Giving them solutions to their problems – If you do this you are doing their problem-solving for them. They should be thinking through solutions on their own. If you do his problem-solving for them, then their problems stop being their problems and become your problems.

• Cleaning up after them financially or rescuing them from financial irresponsibility – If you do this you are taking responsibility for their financial situation instead of the responsibility being theirs.

• Making excuses to others for their mistakes or bad behavior - If you do this, you are rescuing them from the consequences of their wrong behavior so that they don’t have to face it or take responsibility for it (or learn from it).

• Smoothing over the damage they do to other relationships (for example, talking to those they've hurt and trying to make repairs for them) – If you do this you are taking responsibility for relationships that they are responsible for and making it easy for them to not have to be aware of their effect on others.

• Doing all the work to hold the relationship together – If you do this, you are making yourself responsible for not only your part in the relationship, but also for the part that they are responsible for.

Your spouse should be doing as much work as you are to make the relationship a good one.

If you do any of these, you might feel like you are doing the right thing because it feels helpful, but Galatians 6: 5 says that each of us should carry our own load so that we can take pride in ourselves.

When you take responsibility for what your spouse is responsible for, you are depriving them of the opportunity for them to be proud of their own efforts. It is that sense of accomplishment that produces the internal motivation for people to take responsibility for themselves. By depriving them of that, you are actually making them dependent on you and making yourself the source of

• their happiness (or unhappiness)

• the trouble in their life (or the lack of trouble in their life)

• and their problems (and solutions)

The change you need to make

Let your spouse be an adult with adult responsibilities that they alone are responsible for. They don’t actually need you to clean up after them, make sure they're happy, solve their problems, bail them out of money problems, manage their reputation, or hold their relationships together. If they can’t do those things on their own (and some people can’t), then you have a much bigger problem than an unhappy marriage.

2. Not having any expectations

We’re told that expectations can make for an unhappy marriage. And it makes sense because, when you expect someone to do something and they don’t do it, you get frustrated. And frustration leads to outward confrontation or inward resentment. And both of those usually result in tension and conflict.

So, to avoid that tension and conflict, it’s possible to train yourself to not have any expectations so that, regardless of your spouse’s behavior, you don’t feel frustrated or resentful. You can do this by telling yourself things like

• “that’s just the way they are”

• “it’s not a big deal”

• “it’s between them and God”

• “let it go”

• “they're doing the best they can”

And sometimes, there are things that we have to just let go, things that may be rooted in our own selfishness. But sometimes there are things that we attribute to our selfishness that aren’t selfish – they’re our right.

For example, it’s not selfish to want to be loved by your spouse – that’s your right (and your spouse's promise to you). It’s not selfish for you to want your spouse to treat the kids well – that’s your right (and theirs) and their responsibility. It’s not selfish for you to want your spouse to do their part in the relationship – that’s your right (and their responsibility).When you expect nothing, you get nothing.

The change you need to make

Start expecting them to pull their own weight, to keep the promises they made to you (at the altar and elsewhere), and to act like a mature adult. Easy to say, not as easily done – especially when having expectations of them is not well-received on their end. They might insinuate that your expectations are unreasonable and accuse you of holding the bar too high or expecting them to change. These are all tactics of people who don’t want to be held accountable to others. They want people to accept them the way they are and not expect them to be better. This way they can continue to treat people however they want to without any accountability.

So how, then, can you communicate your expectations AND help your spouse live up to them so that there is less tension and conflict in the relationship? You must

• Be fully convinced of your right to have expectations

• Be firmly rooted in the truth that holding your spouse to those expectations is in their best interest

• Become familiar with how to set boundaries and have reasonable consequences

3. Being respectful

Respect is very important. It’s the way we let others know that we value them as human beings, even if we don’t agree with them.

So why is being respectful a mistake?

It’s not respect itself that is a mistake - it’s the behavior that we assign to respect that makes it a mistake.

If I asked you what it means to be respectful, what would you say?

• Being agreeable

• Unconditional acceptance of others’ behavior

• Giving others what they want

• Treating others the way they want to be treated

• Showing admiration

• Giving them affirmation

These are common answers. But do you see how much of an emphasis there is on doing what feels good to the other person and how little room there is for allowing yourself to respect them in ways that maybe don’t feel so good to them? Here’s what I mean. When you focus so much on being accepting and treating others the way they want to be treated and honoring them, sometimes you are giving honor where honor isn’t due. And when you do that, you are actually disrespecting their autonomy. You are telling them that, regardless of how they act, you will do whatever feels good to them, and you are feeding their selfishness and their dependence on you.

You see, when you make others feel good even when they aren’t acting good, they see themselves as entitled to good treatment regardless of their behavior. This allows them to treat you however they want to without consequence, and it makes everything that doesn’t feel good to them fall into the category of “disrespect.” And that gives them ammunition to control you as they become dependent on you for feeling good.

The change you need to make

Consider that respect isn’t about making others feel good – it’s about caring about them enough to communicate the truth to them. Sometimes it doesn’t feel good to be respected. If we want someone to tell us we’re right or to do something for us, and they don’t do it because they know it’s not good for us, that can be upsetting. We want them to collude with us. And when they don’t, it can feel disrespectful.

God’s respect for us can be an example of how we are to respect each other. God does not always help us the way we want him to - he doesn’t unconditionally accept our behavior or give us unconditional admiration. If we act badly, God does not tell us it’s OK, make excuses for us, or rescue us from the consequences of our actions. He respects our decisions . . . and allows us to experience the consequences that go with them.

4. Saying “yes” when you want to (or should) say “no”

I know it can seem that being agreeable is a good thing. You want people to see you as someone who is willing to help, on the same page as others, and sacrificial. You feel pressure either externally (from others) or internally (from yourself) to agree to do things – even things that, on the inside, you don’t really want to do. When you push aside your hesitations, it can feel like you are doing the right thing and giving up yourself for someone else.

However, when you do that, what you’re actually doing is lying to yourself and others. To others because you are saying “yes” with your mouth, but on the inside you’re wishing you hadn’t done that. And you’re lying to yourself because, while you want to be able to freely say “yes,” you are pushing aside feelings of pressure, resentment, or exhaustion.

If you don’t feel free to say “no,” then your “yes” isn’t really an honest, full-hearted “yes.” It’s a “yes” said under compulsion.

And when it comes to your spouse, the pressure to say “yes” can be great. We are taught to respect our spouse and, as discussed above, that can be understood as needing to be agreeable.

On top of that, you may have a spouse who does not like being told “no.” Like a spoiled child, the word “no” sends them into a tantrum (anger, silent treatment, etc.), making you even more hesitant to be honest with them in an effort to reduce tension and conflict.

But, although being agreeable may seem to temporarily resolve the tension, it only deteriorates the quality of your relationship. A healthy relationship is built upon freedom and the ability to be honest with each other without fear of reprisal. Anything other than that is going to result in feelings of pressure and tension as you dance around the truth in an effort to keep the peace.

The change you need to make

• Embrace your freedom (and right) to say “no” – an emotionally healthy, mature adult will not judge you for saying “no.” Those who DO judge you are not worth saying “yes” to because they will only take advantage of you or judge you more.

• Value yourself, your time, and your dignity enough that you don’t feel guilty saying “no.” Saying “no” will feel like self-care and help you gain confidence in yourself. It will also free up your time to say “yes” to things that you really do want to do.

• Understand the dysfunction of someone who doesn’t respond well to being disagreed with or told “no,” and handle them with a heart of compassion and a mind of justice. Giving in to someone who doesn’t like to hear the word “no” only further encourages their sense of entitlement and their control over you. Strengthen your understanding and resolve to set boundaries and enforce them with consequences.

5. Ignoring your feelings

We hear many messages that say you shouldn’t listen to your feelings because they will steer you wrong.

• And that’s true if you feel anger and you act on your anger by yelling or otherwise acting out.

• And it’s true if you feel hopeless and stop working to make things better.

• And it’s true if you feel rejected and tell yourself you’re no good.

• And it’s true if you feel like you love someone you just met and you give your heart to that person with reckless abandon.

Those are all unproductive ways to listen to your feelings. But here’s what can happen if you completely ignore your feelings:

• You feel hurt by mistreatment, but you tell yourself that you should turn the other cheek

• You feel used, but you tell yourself that you’re being submissive the way God wants you to be

• You feel belittled, but you tell yourself that the person who belittled you is probably right

• You feel angry, but you tell yourself that the Bible says that you shouldn’t let the sun go down while you’re still angry, so you push the anger aside

• You feel rejected, but you console yourself with the idea that Jesus was rejected, too

And when you do that, you are telling yourself that your feelings aren’t valid and that they should be challenged and disregarded. You talk yourself out of them and begin to live in the lie that you aren’t hurt, you aren’t angry, you aren’t scared, and, frankly, you aren’t anything but a Stepford Wife (or Husband) living to make your spouse happy.

The change you need to make

Your feelings provide important information about reality. Although you shouldn’t act from your feelings, you also should not talk yourself out of your feelings. Rather, you should use your feelings to help you determine how to act. Your feelings of hurt and anger and of feeling used, belittled, or rejected are real feelings and are a reflection of what is going on in your life.

Here is how you can use them to determine how to act:

• If you feel angry, you can ask yourself “What is the root of my anger? Is it justified?” Anger is a just response to oppression and injustice. When someone violates you or treats you poorly, anger is justified. However, rather than lashing out in anger, once you recognize that you feel angry, you can use that information to speak the truth. You can say, “I don’t like how I’m being treated.”

• If you feel hopeless, you can think about why you feel that way. In what ways has your power to change things been taken from you? Then you can explore what needs to change in your life or in the way you respond to people in order for you to get your power back.

These are two examples, but you can use any feeling, once you acknowledge it, to determine what about the reality of your situation is leading you to feel that way. And then use that information to make a decision about how to respond.

6. Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results

You know the cycle: things are going OK in your relationship for a while. Then your spouse gets upset with you (angry, pouty, disappointed, frustrated, etc.) for something (usually something insignificant). You try to appease them or make them feel better. You change your behavior or promise to do better. You solve their problem for them. You work hard to restore the status quo in the relationship, and finally things seem to be going better again. Until next time, and it starts all over again.

This is the dance you do. Your spouse knows that their Criticism, Rejection, Abandonment, or Punishment (CRAP) will get you to move closer to them and be more dependent, submitted, and committed to them. And they need that from you (perhaps because they have no internal capacity for self-soothing or self-worth.)

Your spouse's inability to sustain their own feelings of worth puts them in a position to be constantly seeking more and more affirmation. So, just when you think the dance is going smoothly, they start to feel like their sense of worth is not increasing the way it needs to be. Your spouse knows that, if they step on your toes and blame you, you will respond by trying to do better. Then your spouse will start to feel like they're worthwhile again.

And you fall for it every time. And so the cycle never stops.

The change you need to make

It’s time to change the dance steps. I KNOW you’ve heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and hoping for different results. Yet this is what we do all the time. We think that THIS time they'll finally realize that you love them, THIS time they'll see how much they're hurting you, THIS time will be the last time they treat you like that.

But it isn’t. And it won’t be until the dance steps change. And your spouse is not going to change them. The current dance steps are working for your spouse!

So here’s what you have to do: tell your spouse that it’s not working for you. Let them know that you can no longer allow your toes to keep getting stepped on, because it hurts.

And stop trying to resist their CRAP (Criticism, Rejection, Abandonment, and Punishment) – and start responding to their CRAP as though they mean it instead of like it’s a game you have to play or a dance you have to participate in.

• If your spouse criticizes you, the reality is that they're telling you that you aren’t what they wants. They are not challenging you to be better – they're playing a card that will make themselves feel better. Don’t try to prove yourself to them – you’ll never meet their expectations. They have to keep telling you that you aren’t good enough in order to soothe their own wounds.

• If your spouse rejects you, they're telling you they don’t need you. Don’t try to prove to your spouse that they do need you. Accept reality and respect their decision to do life without you.

• If your spouse abandons you, they're telling you that they don’t want a relationship with you. Respect that and don’t stay. The Bible says that, if an unbelieving spouse isn’t willing to stay with you, let them leave.

• If your spouse punishes you (verbally, physically, emotionally), protect yourself by distancing yourself from it.

By continuing to dance and letting your spouse lead the dance, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt (and more than just your toes). If you want things to change, you have to change how you respond. That’s what love does.

7. Saying you’re sorry

Here's what you're doing:

• You don’t know something, you apologize.

• Someone bumps into you, you apologize.

• You are ultra-responsible (arrive early, plan ahead, get a good report, etc.), you apologize.

• You make an unintentional and harmless mistake, you apologize profusely.

• Someone else makes a mistake, you apologize.

• Someone doesn’t understand something you say, you apologize.

• Someone hurts you, you apologize.

You say you’re sorry for everything!

I know this feels mature, like you’re taking responsibility and being humble and are willing to take the blame. But taking blame when you’re not to blame isn’t mature, it’s enabling. It reveals that you don’t have clarity about who is responsible for what. And it also means that you are reluctant to allow other people to feel the effects of reality in their lives.

It’s enabling because your apology allows the other person to assign blame to you, even if the other person was in the wrong, and enables them to continue to act badly, knowing that you will take responsibility if it doesn’t go well. In their mind, your apology:

• means that you are the one responsible for the hurt you feel as a result of their actions

• means that you are not smart enough to know something

• means that you do a lot of things wrong

• means you’re to blame for problems, mistakes, and unhappiness

When you apologize when you are not to blame, it reveals that you don’t have clarity about who is responsible for what happened. Someone who is mature will know who is responsible for what and will not accept blame for something that isn’t their fault. Not only does it not do you any good to apologize when something isn’t your fault, it isn’t good for the other person involved, either. It lets them know that you are willing to rescue them from (help them avoid) the consequences of their behavior, and it takes away their opportunity to experience and learn from the pain of the consequences of what they’ve done.

The change you need to make

Stop apologizing for everything! Catch yourself when you realize you are about to apologize and determine whether it is something you should apologize for or not.

• You should apologize if your own actions cause harm.

• You can apologize for your role in trouble or harm or for being partially at fault IF you know that the other person will take responsibility for their role, too.

• Don’t work hard to figure out your role in some trouble or harm if it’s obvious that the other person is the culprit. Sometimes taking any responsibility leads the other person to believe they’re off the hook.

• Don’t apologize for things that other people do to you.

• Don’t apologize for who you are or what you do know or don’t know.

• Don’t apologize for what you do want to do or don’t want to do.

Here are some things you can say instead of apologizing

• “I realize I did more than I probably needed to.”

• “I just don’t know the answer to that question.”

• “I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

• “I didn’t see that coming.”

• “I just can’t make that work right now.”

• “I’m not feeling up to it.”

• “Oops, you missed” or “oops, you got that wrong” etc.

• “It hurt when you did that.”

When you stop apologizing for everything, you’ve taken a big step toward grounding yourself in the truth. It helps you sort out what you are responsible for and what you aren’t. This will increase your discernment, your honesty, and your confidence in yourself.

BONUS Mistake: Working on your communication

Read the whole article about communication here.

When you stop making these relationship mistakes, you will become emotionally healthier and relationally healthier, and you will know what it means to say that hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation…

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