You can’t do marriage without God. Do you believe that? Since you’re reading my blog, I’m guessing you do, and you’ve come here to learn about how to navigate your difficult marriage (or your difficult spouse) God’s way.

For some people, doing marriage God’s way means going to church with your family on Sundays, praying before meals, and maybe doing an evening devotion together. It might mean seeking counsel from other Christians who can help you have a good marriage. And it would likely include praying for your spouse and hoping that God changes him/her to be a better spouse.

All of those things might be a part of bringing God into your marriage, but there’s something even more valuable that you can do to bring God into your marriage: Get to know how God does relationships and model your marriage after that.

How God does relationships

Let’s start with the obvious. God is patient with us. He knows we’re human and imperfect. He knows that everyone is unique and no two people think from the exact same perspective. And he values our freedom - so much so that we have the freedom to act however we want (although, as you’ll see me say often “you’re free to choose, but you aren’t free from the consequences of your choices”). 2 Corinthians 3:17-18 says “where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we are being transformed into his image.”

Since you are being transformed into his image, imitate him (Luke 6:40) and give your spouse freedom. Your marriage doesn’t have a chance unless you do. Let God’s love compel you to be patient, not getting upset with your spouse for the ways that (s)he is different from you but understanding that your spouse is imperfect, having his/her own unique experiences and perspectives that are shaping the way they see the world and respond to it. Healthy relationships require giving your spouse that kind of freedom.

Without freedom, there is only bondage. When a spouse feels like they aren’t living up to others’ expectations, it feels like bondage under the condemnation of someone who doesn’t respect their freedom to be who they are. And feeling condemnation is not good for a person’s emotional or relational health. And it’s no way to navigate a relationship. [Read about how giving freedom doesn’t mean tolerating sin]

Beyond the obvious

You first have to have those more obvious characteristics of God in your marriage in order to have any chance at success in navigating a relationship with another human being.

But when you’re going to do marriage God’s way, you also have to look farther than those obvious characteristics of God. God is patient, gracious, kind, merciful, forgiving, loving, compassionate, and more. But God is not like that all the time to all people. In fact God is all those things only for people who remain in his love.

For those who do not remain in his love, there is “only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God” (Hebrews 10:27), for “whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on them” (John 3:36), and “If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned” (John 15:6 ). In other words “If we disown him, he will also disown us” (2 Timothy 2:12).

These are also truths that God models for us that we can live out in our own relationships. And if those truths sound harsh, it’s because God is just and does not let the wicked go unpunished (Exodus 34:11, Proverbs 11:21, 2 Peter 2:9). What a relief to know that those who continually sin against you will not get away with it! (Nor will you get away with it if you are that sinner.)

Since God does not tolerate the wicked, neither do we have to. In fact, to tolerate evil and to continue in relationship with those who reject us by their hurtful words and actions would be to put ourselves above God, because even God doesn’t tolerate that. And if we do tolerate what God does not, it means that we are trying to be better than God: more tolerant, more loving, more forgiving, more patient than God is. And we can’t be.

That is why, when you keep trying harder to do all the “right” things, you start to feel resentment and bitterness and anger and frustration - because you were not meant to have to tolerate all that - even God doesn’t.

A heart of compassion and a mind of justice

Even though God does not tolerate sin and does not expect you to, either, there is more to it than simply doing what God does when he deals with sin. You have to also have the HEART of God behind what you do (which is why those obvious characteristics of God are important). If you don’t have God’s heart of compassion when you deal with sin, then you will remain in bitterness and anger and resentment - and you will stay stuck, struggling to let go and move past the hurt - and unsure of how to discern what is happening and when to set boundaries and how to enforce them.

How can you have the heart of God? You have to understand your own dire position and that, at one time, you too were under the wrath of God (Ephesians 2:3), acting in ignorance (Ephesians 4:18), needing his mercy, and not understanding his grace. You, too, were destined for wrath. But at just the right time, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). And this act of kindness can lead you to repentance and immense thankfulness for what he’s done. It can compel you to share with others what he has shown you: kindness, grace, forgiveness, sacrifice. And your response to it invites the Holy Spirit to live in you to guide you and give you discernment in your life and relationships. (Has what God has done for you led you to repentance and thankfulness? Get my free resource on what Jesus’ sacrifice means for you.)

But without the whole picture (i.e. without knowing how God responds to those who are unaffected by his sacrifice), you may doing more than what is required of you because you believe that, since God’s kindness leads YOU to repentance, then YOUR kindness will lead your SPOUSE to repentance.

What if kindness doesn’t lead to repentance?

But what if that doesn’t happen? What if your spouse is unaffected by your sacrificial attitude and your love for him/her? Romans 2:4,5 reveals the result when that happens: “Do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance? But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself.”

If your kindness is not leading your spouse to move closer to you (and I’m talking about being closer not just for a moment, but as a reflection of ongoing positive change), then there isn’t more kindness available to him/her, there is “only a fearful expectation of judgment” (Hebrews 10:27) - because you are not required to show more kindness than God does. Rather, you can demonstrate what God does when people reject him, persecute him, dismiss him, or slander him (as your spouse may be doing to you): Allow your spouse’s sin to separate him/her from your love (Isaiah 59:2) and accept that "when grace is shown to the wicked, they do not learn righteousness” (Isaiah 26:10).

When you have the heart of God toward your spouse (both compassion and justice; truth and grace), you do not avenge the sin yourself, but leave room for God’s wrath (Romans 12:19). And while allowing the consequences of your spouse’s sin to occur (e.g. separation from your love), and leaving room for God’s wrath, you maintain a heart of compassion, not wanting him/her to perish, but to come to repentance (2 Peter 3:9).

When your heart is aligned with God’s AND so is your behavior, you will have both a heart of compassion and a mind of justice. And you will find that…..

hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation….

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