Where The Marriage Experts Get It Wrong

September 28, 2019 Changing Us

Because of what I do (relationship coaching), I get a lot of ads in my Facebook newsfeed from other relationship coaches claiming that they will “make your marriage better in 15 minutes” or share “tips” they think you’ve never heard. I often look at what they’re offering just to see what others are doing to try to help.

I see advice like . . .

“stop trying to control your spouse”
“take 100% responsibility”
“give up the need to be right”
“it only takes one willing spouse”
“know that every human being has the capacity to love”
“commit to love”

I just can’t stop shaking my head in dismay.

That’s all good advice . . . FOR THE SPOUSE IN THE MARRIAGE WHO ISN’T WORKING TO MAKE THE MARRIAGE BETTER – the spouse who needs to change.

But that spouse isn’t the one seeking help and taking the advice of the “experts”

The ones who are looking for help in their marriages are people who are already committed to growth. They are the ones who already . . .

have stopped trying to “control” their spouse and are letting their spouse control them
are taking TOO MUCH responsibility
are already giving up not just their NEED to be right but their RIGHT to be right
have embraced the idea that it only takes one and, subsequently, they are the only one trying
believe that everyone has the capacity to love (an outright lie)
and have committed to love the way everyone tells them to (see all of the above) while missing the truth of what love actually looks like

In other words . . . those “experts” are preaching to the choir – and the choir is trying harder, but they’re not converting anyone. The choir needs to hear how to change their tune instead of teachings to the tune of “try harder.”

The people who need to hear those messages are the ones who

aren’t looking for them
have no interest in actually changing
and have no need to change because their spouses are doing everything for them, including holding the marriage together

Time to stop.

There’s a way to bring real change to your marriage. But it’s not by telling kind, loving, responsible, selfless, committed spouses how to be more kind, loving, responsible, selfless, and committed. That’s a teaching that propagates fantasy by pretending that being the kind of spouse you want your spouse to be will make your spouse be like that.

It simply doesn’t happen.

In fact, it does the opposite: while one spouse gives more and more, the other spouse takes more and more. Isaiah 26: 10 says “When grace is shown to the wicked, they do not learn righteousness . . . they go on doing evil.”

The idea that you should “be the change you want to see” creates the sense that we have control over what the world is like (or what our spouses are like) by being a good example. That defies the laws God created for the natural world. (Click the link there to learn what is meant by that.)

The reality is that people change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.

And the flip-side of that coin is also true: people don’t change when it’s comfortable for them to stay the same.

In order to create real change in your marriage, you have to stop hoping that that your spouse will learn from your good example, stop living in the fantasy that being kinder will make your spouse kinder, and start living in reality by letting your spouse feel the pain of the effect they’re having on those they’re supposed to love.

How to do that? Let’s look back at the advice we’re getting from marriage “experts” . . . and look at it realistically:

“Expert” advice #1: “Stop trying to control your spouse”

In a sense, making sacrifices in hopes that he will follow your example IS a form of control. That’s not the way the marriage “experts” intend for that to be taken (they want spouses to stop having expectations and holding each other accountable). But think about it: you think that you can create change (i.e. control whether someone changes) by being a good example.

Reality: You can’t - not if it’s become a pattern of trying and failing.

If it’s a pattern, it’s a problem.

You don’t have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of marriage. You can stop trying to get your spouse to be kind to you and simply let your spouse decide whether they want to continue to do things that cause them pain (pain that they will feel when you stop trying to control them with “kindness”) or if they’re fine with the painful consequences of their actions.

“Expert” advice #2: “Take 100% responsibility”

The truth in this is that you should take responsibility - for yourself and yourself only! This might mean that you stop making excuses for your spouse, stop making your spouse’s life easier, stop rescuing your spouse – and start being responsible for your part in ensuring that your marriage is not hiding the truth.

“Expert” advice #3: “Give up the need to be right”

Actually, with this one, embrace your right to be right. Too many times we give up that right only to find that we are submitting to wrong for the sake of giving up the need to be right. That also leads to giving up your authority over your thoughts, feelings, and opinions. And then you lose your identity. You don’t have to do that. And it’s not what God wants. He wants you to become more like him, not more like who your spouse wants you to be. (Get my free resource about “What Would Jesus REALLY Do?” to explore the whole counsel of God in discovering who Jesus is.)

“Expert” advice #4: “It only takes one willing spouse”

This is true IF you mean that it takes one spouse willing to admit the truth and act on it. That has to be you. That’s not the way that these marriage “experts” are thinking about this statement (they think that one spouse being really sweet will bring positive change). But if there is to be any hope for your marriage, you have to be willing to admit the truth about what your spouse is like and then let your spouse feel the painful consequences of their wrong behavior.

“Expert” advice #5: “Know that every human being has the capacity to love”

This is just a lie that makes people think that the person they love will someday love them back. The truth is that some people simply don’t have the capacity to love. Daniel 12: 10 says “the wicked will continue to be wicked” and 2 Timothy 3:13 says “evildoers will go from bad to worse.”

Click HERE to access my free resource on 40+ Unhealthy Relationship Tactics

“Expert” advice #6: “Commit to love”

When you learn what love really looks like, it isn’t what the “experts” want you to think. There is truth in love - love is not about pretending that something is good when it is not. Commit to that kind of love. Isaiah 5: 20 says “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying don’t be kind, loving, responsible, selfless, and committed. What I am saying is that you can have boundaries (backed up by consequences) and still be all those things.

And, in fact, that’s what healthy relationships look like.

In a healthy relationship, both spouses are kind, loving, responsible, selfless, and committed to each other and to personal growth.

Is that what your marriage is like? If it’s not, then be careful who becomes the “expert” on marriage in your life.