Changing Us

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If You Think Your Spouse Is Changing, Here’s How To Know

Changing Us

I hear some version of this often:

“He really is an amazing guy: He reads the Bible and prays, he goes to church, he volunteers, he helps anyone who needs it, he’s a small group leader, he’s an elder in the church, he’s a good dad, he’s fun …. It’s just that he also …

  • gets so angry

  • gives me the silent treatment

  • is negative

  • is critical

  • can be mean

  • makes me feel like what I think doesn’t matter

But overall, he’s really great.”

Um…. No he isn’t. Really great people don’t have really bad character. What was just described was someone who does really great things but has really bad character. And a good tree doesn’t bear bad fruit.

What is fruit?

Fruit is not what people do - it’s what people have that grows from inside of them and comes out to reveal who they are (their character). It’s what is visible on a tree as a result of the kind of soil and care they are taking to grow and develop. It’s the character that grows from being fed good things. The fruit of a tree is what the tree provides for other people to experience. If someone were to eat the fruit of a tree blindfolded, they would be able to tell by the taste of the fruit if it’s good fruit or bad fruit. And whether the fruit is good or bad is an indication as to whether the tree is healthy or not (assuming the fruit was picked from the tree and not picked up from the ground next to it). Bad fruit leaves a rancid, sour, or bitter taste in your mouth, or it smells rotten - it’s not enjoyable. Good fruit is sweet and desirable and enjoyable.

The Bible says that a tree is known by it's fruit - and people are known by their fruit - they are known by others’ experience of them. You can tell whether someone has good character or bad character through your experience of them - their fruit reveals whether they are a good tree or a bad tree. Good fruit that is sweet and desirable and enjoyable to experience is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control (Gal. 5).

Someone can DO all the right things and not produce good fruit. That’s because the fruit that a tree produces is not affected by simply cutting off branches. When you try to fix the branches (behavior), you don’t affect the fruit (what people get from the tree). The only way to affect the fruit is to make the roots healthier - that means working on character issues.

Character issues come from immature motives: selfishness, fear, and insecurity. There is always a motive (i.e. something that drives us) behind what we do - and motives are revealed through our character. A person’s motive has to be right in order for there to be good fruit. For example: someone can be motivated to read the Bible, pray, go to church, volunteer, help anyone who needs it, be a group leader, and serve as an elder by the desire to look good to others, by the need to be listened to and respected, or by getting something out of what they do (affirmation, networking, or bragging rights, for example).

Someone can also be motivated by a desire to grow, by a heart for others, or by a selfless desire to make others’ lives better. They are motived by love. Pure motives come from good character. Selfish motives come from bad character.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3 says “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.” People can do all the right things and still produce nothing good.

I see change

You want good things for your spouse and your marriage, so you are looking for signs of change - behavior that signals that change is happening. Sometimes you are looking so hard that you cling to the smallest differences in how your spouse behaves, hoping that it is an indication that your spouse is trying or that they “get it.” Every little positive sign could mean that things are changing, and it makes you hopeful (and resets the cycle). But slow down. Not so fast. When you think that someone is changing, here are some things to watch for:

1.  They are saying and doing the right things

Just because someone says and does the right things doesn’t mean that they have changed. Anyone can learn that saying “I’m sorry,” “I’m a broken person,” “I know I need Jesus” or “I love you” can incline someone’s heart to them. If false humility can get them what they want, they’re going to use it. (It’s a tactic called “hoovering” that they use to suck you back in like a Hoover vacuum.)

Similarly, doing things like praying, confessing sins, reading the Bible, joining an accountability group, doing the dishes, helping with the kids, and being more affectionate can all look like the right things, but if they’re a means to an end (to get what they want), then those things mean nothing when it comes to real change.

Doing and saying the right things are good things if they are followed up by changed character and fruit that lasts. But don’t believe them too soon. They’ve proven their bad character over a period of time (probably over many years) - give them time to prove their good character (at least a few months) if they are really changing.

2. Doing something one or two times does not a pattern make

Doing something good one or two times (even if it’s something they haven’t ever done before) does not mean they are changing. Change becomes evident when there is a consistent pattern of character change, and doing something one or two times does not a pattern make.

If they do something that makes you think that maybe they are changing, don’t start acting as though it might be true change - in other words, don’t change direction and move closer to them again, don’t loosen up your boundaries; instead, be patient and watch to see if a pattern emerges. Remember that they’ve been one way for years - they won’t change in a day or a week or even a month.

Remain cautious and hold your boundaries while you patiently wait to see if the changes remain consistent month after month. You don’t need to give them the benefit of the doubt. They haven’t earned that. They’ve earned distance and cautiousness from you. In fact, the whole reason they might look like they’re “changing” is so that you do give them the benefit of the doubt, and then they don’t have to experience your boundaries. If they can get you to think that they won’t be that way anymore, then you loosen up on your boundaries and give them another chance. Don’t fall for it.

3.  They are saying and doing the wrong things

Someone whose character has changed will not sneak in comments that insinuate blame, make excuses (they’re stressed, in pain, tired, etc), make accusations, are sarcastic, give back-handed insults, slander you, are defensive, are argumentative, or make degrading comments among their otherwise “godly” presentation.

Titus 1:16 says that there are people who “claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him.” And Luke 6:45 says “out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” If their heart is in it, only good will come out. But if their mouth reveals what’s really in their heart and they are interspersing their “godly” behavior with bad fruit, trust the fruit. Like I always say “the results speak for themselves.”

To give an analogy of what this is like: If you wanted a glass of water to refresh and hydrate you but you knew that there was just a little bit of deadly poison in that glass, you wouldn’t drink the water. That’s what it’s like when someone seems like they are mostly good but they have a little bit of bad in them. That little bit spoils the whole thing. Don’t drink it.

That’s not to say that you expect perfection, but you can expect that they will recognize their poison, confess it, and take action to eliminate it. 1 John 3:9 says “No one who is born of God will continue to sin.”

4.  What brought about the change?

This is a very important question to ask yourself: Why are they changing? What sparked a transformation? When people have a major transformation (and a change of character IS a major transformation), there must have been a reason - there’s something big that happened that sparked the change - a life-changing event - something painful that made them realize they need to change.

Ask yourself: What would have caused this person to change? What motivated them?

If you can't pinpoint something different that would have sparked the change - something they’ve never experienced before (like consistent boundaries month after month without rewards for good behavior) - then you should wait longer to see if the changes are permanent.

Especially wait to see whether they continue to demonstrate their change of heart even if they aren’t getting what they want. It’s easy for someone to maintain a false conversion while they’re getting good results (you’re drawing nearer to them, you’re applauding them, etc.), but if they have to work to prove they’ve changed while not getting any positive feedback, someone who hasn’t actually changed won’t keep up their charade, and you’ll find out the truth.

5.  Fruit that is situational but doesn’t last

What looks like fruit (but doesn’t last) can come from getting what they want (you … or another source of satisfaction) instead of from getting what they need (the Spirit of God, received in humility, that changes them from the inside and produces fruit that lasts).

To determine if the fruit is situational, consider whether good things are happening in your spouse’s life: Maybe you’re trying harder, trying to be more positive or more open, working on closeness …. or maybe your spouse has someone else who is making them feel good. It’ll be easy for your spouse to make “changes” when they’re feeding off of someone else’s positive vibes. Those are temporary changes based on situations and feelings.

The real test of change comes when things are difficult, when boundaries are set, when things don’t always feel good - it’s when that tea bag gets put into hot water that what’s in it comes out. So ask yourself: “Are they still showing signs of change even when they aren’t getting what they want?”

Anyone in a honeymoon phase of life will display love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. They’re happy. They’re motivated. They’re getting what they want. But what about when that honeymoon phase is over? What about when things get hard? What about when they are suffering or don’t like the boundaries that the one they’re with is setting?

You can always tell the difference between the fruit of the Spirit and the fruit of the honeymoon phase by whether that fruit remains in suffering. Fruit that comes from the Spirit will always be there, because the Spirit will always be there. Fruit that comes from you (or someone else) will be dependent upon whether you (or that other person) are “being there” for your partner the way they want you to.

That’s why boundaries are so important - and why it’s important not to loosen up your boundaries or move closer to your spouse again just because they’re acting different. You want to know if they still love you even when things get tough.

It’s easy to be loving when things feel good. But that doesn’t give you the information you want. When you ask yourself the right questions, those questions can help you discern if your spouse is making changes for selfish reasons or if they have actually had a heart-change. And remember that people change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. It’s pain that brings real change - not good vibes.

6.  They only pursue you if you reciprocate

Someone who loves you and truly wants to be with you will continue to pursue you whether you “reward” them for it or not. Think about how you’ve been with your partner - you’ve been doting and accommodating and gentle and respectful and loving and encouraging and positive even when they have been moody or standoffish or angry or are giving you the silent treatment. You still work to draw them in, because you love them.

Someone who has really changed and has decided they want to love you well will not give up easily, will not get frustrated if you don’t reciprocate, will not expect you to suddenly accept them again after all the hurt they’ve caused. They will understand that the damage they have done is deep, and they will be willing to be patient and continue to show that they love you, giving you space and freedom and respect until you are ready (and convinced) that they really have changed - even if that takes years. (They spent years proving their bad character; if their character has changed, they should expect that it could take years to prove their good character.)

7.  Trusting unreliable sources

Sometimes we look to the wrong sources to determine if someone is changing. If other people are telling you that someone is changing, you don’t have to believe them or embrace what they are observing or accept their definition of change. Most people don’t know what was going on in your relationship (and, if they were told, wouldn’t have believed that it could have been that bad). And few people know what your spouse was really like. Therefore, few people will have the discernment to know if your spouse has changed. The people who didn’t really know how bad it was are not going to be reliable sources for how much better it’s getting.

And if others are vouching for your spouse, know that, when others are watching, having that accountability may affect your spouse’s behavior for the better because your spouse won’t want other people to see what you see, so your spouse may look like they’re willing to be held accountable and change according to what others are telling them to do just to preserve their image.

You know your partner best. You know what they were like before, so you are the best judge of whether they are changing. Just be sure you are looking for signs that their character has changed:

What you do NOT want to accept, as signs that they are changing, are things like:

Those are behaviors. You’re looking for changed character, for example: they’ve gone from anger, arguing, negativity, temper tantrums, criticism, or any of these other traits of unhealthy character to the traits of someone who is emotionally healthy.

8.  Your feelings, thoughts, and gut instinct

Pay attention to how you feel. Be aware of whether you are feeling sorry for your spouse, feeling pressured to give them a chance, not wanting to look unloving, worried about what they or others will think, feeling judged, listening to others more than to yourself, believing “shoulds” … or having feelings of panic, restlessness, confusion, desperation, anger, loneliness, fear, or even unfounded hope which can all be signs that you need to slow down and be intentional, realistic, and patient enough to really discern what is happening.

It’s helpful to have someone in your life who is emotionally mature and experienced with the dynamics of a relationship like yours to give you a reality check or help talk you down when you are about to relapse back into codependency or empath mode. Call someone who recognizes the signs of emotional and relational malfunction and who can help bring some clarity and focus.

And when you really start to stand on the firm foundation of your boundaries and your willingness to back them up with action, that’s when you begin to change and grow, and you discover that….

hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation…

Need to check with someone about change you might be seeing?

Schedule a Breakthrough Session.

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