There are few things (if any) that are more devastating and heart-wrenching than betrayal.

If you are experiencing the betrayal of pornography or an affair, you are not alone - and there is a way through.

Question from our community:

After discovering my husband has been looking at pornography, I confronted him about it, and he denied it. He became angry and defensive. I’ve been so hurt and angry. I finally broke down and told him if he wasn’t willing to get help then I was going to go to one of our good Christian friends from church. This made him even madder, and he said some things he regretted (which he did later apologize for saying). He told me he was sorry for hurting me by looking at the porn. However, he doesn’t see that it’s such a big deal. All men do it. I don’t know if he has stopped looking or not. He deletes all his history on his phone and computer. My story is so much longer, but I do think he is having an emotional affair at work, which he denies. And since all this started I’ve caught him in lies, so I started watching his GPS. He knows I watch it, and even when it shows him being in one place while at the same moment he’s telling me he’s in another (on many, many occasions), it can’t be coincidence. No one would ever believe me if I told them this was going on because he has always been well-known and respected by people in the community, at his workplace, among his peers, and even among our families. I don’t know what to do. I feel like maybe I’m just crazy thinking all of this. The Bible says not to tell things about your spouse that will make others think bad of them. My heart can’t take much more.

Answer:

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Pornography/adultery is a betrayal at the deepest level. Not only is it hurting you, but 1 Corinthians 6: 18 says that “whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body” – so he is hurting himself, too.

From what you’ve said, it sounds as though he isn’t understanding the seriousness of his sin. You said that he apologized but that he doesn’t see it as a big deal. He recognized that it’s hurting you, but his solution to that is to hide it better (deleting his computer and phone history and lying about his whereabouts) as though ignorance is bliss. But he isn’t fooling anyone, and he likely hasn’t stopped.

Additionally, although it has hurt you, his desire and his excuses to keep doing it (e.g. “all men do it”) appear to be more important to him than you are, since he is choosing that over being faithful to you.

This is a common situation, but just because it is common does not make it acceptable.

Your feelings of hurt and anger are justified.

When we look through Scripture, we see that the God’s righteous anger is always directed at oppression and injustice. And you are experiencing both: Injustice because it is not right for him to be breaking the promise he made to be faithful to you. And oppression because he has used anger as a way to keep you from seeking support.

Not only does the porn seem to be a problem, but you suspect other infidelity as well. Even emotional affairs are adultery, as is pornography. Matthew 5: 28 says that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

You mentioned that you have been watching his GPS and basically keeping tabs on him. You know that you cannot trust him, and justifiably so – he has given you plenty of indications that he cannot be trusted and is not working to earn your trust back. If your trust was important to him, the conversation when you confronted him would have gone more like this:

First, you question him about the porn. His denial of it is a common reactive response because of the shame involved, but someone with integrity would soon respond to their conscience and admit the truth, expressing their embarrassment and shame, feeling relieved that they no longer have to hide it, and admitting that they need help. Then there would be some action to change his ways and earn your trust back: he would be completely transparent, give you access to his phone and computer history, find an accountability partner (another man), confess his struggles and keep you informed as to how he’s dealing with temptation, and any number of other things. (You can read my article on 5 indicators that he’s actually sorry)

But that’s not what he’s doing, and you can’t keep living the lie that he’s a great guy – great guys don’t cheat and lie. Because he is well-liked and respected in all his circles, you’re afraid that no one would believe you if you told them the truth about what is going on. And they might not – but that shouldn’t keep you from telling the truth. Either way it’s going to hurt - it will hurt you to tell, and it will hurt you to keep going as you have been.

• But one way will bring harm: not telling the truth, which will continue to rot away your marriage and allow your husband to continue to descend into the depths of sin.

• And one way will have a chance to bring healing – in telling the truth, he will no longer be able to hide and will have a chance to seek the help he needs.

You said that you don’t want to speak badly about him.

I’m not sure exactly which Bible verse you are referring to when you say that the Bible says not to tell things about your husband that will make others think bad of him (perhaps one of these), but I do know that the Bible says that we are to speak the truth and confront sin – and no one gets a pass on those commands just because we’re married. Ephesians 4: 25 says that we must “put off all falsehood and speak truthfully.” Matthew 18: 15-17 outlines how we can confront sin, talking first to the one who sinned against you (which you did), then taking it to one or two others, and if the person still is not repentant, taking it to the church. If they refuse to listen even to the church, they are to be treated as an unbeliever (with compassion but distance). 1 Corinthians 5: 5 puts it even more boldly, saying “hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh so that his spirit may be saved.”

Easier said than done. His strong, angry reactions to the truth can be scary. Galatians 4: 16 says “Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?” Yes, that can happen. Paul experienced it, Jesus experienced it, and you have experienced it.

So, what can you do?

First, you are right to seek support.

Not everyone will support you, and there will be some who will not believe you or who may even blame you, as though being a better wife would stop your husband from being a man of bad character. Don’t believe that lie. Your husband alone is responsible for his character.

Ground yourself in the truth so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes (Ephesians 6: 11-17).

Look to Scripture at every turn to learn what God really says about how to confront sin. (You can read my article about those Bible verses about wives that you cling to and what they really say.)

You’ve taken a good first step: you’ve confronted his sin.

Since he didn’t take it seriously, the next step is to help him realize the seriousness of it. You’ve already told him that you would tell someone the truth about what is going on, so follow through on that. That is a Biblical next step.

If the person you tell minimizes his sin, makes excuses for it, or blames it on you, accept the fact that that person cannot accept the truth, and find someone else to tell. Don’t waste your time trying to convince people of the truth who don’t want to hear it. (You can read my article about what to do when a pastor doesn’t support you.)

The other step to take is to start putting teeth behind your words.

You have let him know that what he is doing is not acceptable to you, but if you continue to grant him the privileges of marriage (meals, clean house, attention, affection, etc.) despite his unfaithfulness to the marriage, he has no reason to take you seriously or to change.

People change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Your words have not been painful enough for him to see the need to change. He may need to experience the pain of your disapproval. That might mean that you won’t have dinner for him when he comes home late, or you won’t be affectionate with him if his affections are being directed elsewhere. Wives aren’t required to share their husbands. (My article about sex that also addresses this.)

My heart goes out to you. This is the beginning of a journey of growth for you. Embrace it with God’s help. Trust God and trust yourself. Be transparent and honest about what is happening so that you can find people who will support you.

You said that sometimes you feel crazy thinking about all of this. Let me reassure you that you are not crazy. The trauma of betrayal can leave a person spinning with confusion. Additionally, your husband may be using tactics that are intended to make you feel like you are the one in the wrong for accusing him or that you are making it seem like a bigger issue than it is. In order to make him feel better about his sin, he has to make you feel bad (or at least keep you under wraps). Don’t doubt yourself. Stay the course. Truth is your only hope for healing.

Continue to seek the truth. Only the truth can set someone free.

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