His Indifference is Destroying Our Relationship (Or is it me?)
Question from a reader:
I am feeling so confused. I get caught up thinking about his indifference to me while he pours his attention on the kids and his hobbies.
When I try to talk to him about it, he says I’m being “negative,” that I’m the only one unhappy, and that I am the only one trying to start conversations about doing things differently. It makes me feel crazy and that I’m the one to blame.
He doesn’t take any responsibility, is defensive, and shifts the blame to me. I’m not completely innocent, I know, but I am trying!
He says he doesn’t want to live this way for another 20 years, but he makes no steps toward any real change. I’m just supposed to leave him alone and act happy and be nice to him. There’s no real relationship there. And we stay stuck because nothing changes even though we have the same conversation over and over.
Is this really the way I can expect my marriage to go for the next 20 years? I don’t know what else to do.
Answer:
You asked if this is really the way you can expect your marriage to go for the next 20 years, and the answer to that is: yes, if nothing changes, then nothing will change.
It sounds like you’ve been trying for years to talk to him about his indifference toward you. Rather than validating your experience, he rejects it and blames you for thinking “negative” thoughts about him that are leading to your dissatisfaction with him. He lets you know that the way for things to go smoothly without having to have “conversations” is for you to leave him alone and “be nice.”
The same things you’ve been doing for years. And despite that, you still feel the need to have the conversation.
That’s because, despite his attempts to act like nothing is wrong, something is wrong. He’s not holding up his end of the promises you made to each other. He’s hoping that, by pretending that everything is fine, you will enter into the fake life he’s created and be happy because he thinks you should be.
And you have entered into it. You’ve tried to pretend your way to a good marriage. But truth prevails. And now you are left feeling confused about what is reality and what isn’t. Are you to blame, or does he have some responsibility to the marriage?
You’re not crazy. In fact you are on your way out of the craziness and into clarity. You’re starting to realize that all your efforts to do your part haven’t made anything better and they never will.
So you are left wondering what else you can do. [Read my article on the husband as leader]
In 1 Samuel 25: 17 after Abigail’s husband, Nabal, has denied David and his men their request, it is said of Nabal that “He is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him.” Perhaps that is how you are feeling. You’ve tried talking to him, but it has proved fruitless.
Proverbs 14: 23 says “All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.” All the talking you’ve done so far has left you depleted and confused. And the hard work that you’ve been putting in to take responsibility has fed his fantasy that your unhappiness with him is your fault and all you need to do is try harder.
So, what else can you do?
Trust what you sense to be true.
You’ve spent a lot of time trying to trust his perspective that if only you could leave him alone, be happy, and be nice then everything would be OK. Truth prevails and has revealed that everything is not OK when you do that. And the reason it’s not OK is because he promised to love and cherish you - and he isn’t doing that. He’s breaking his promise to you and trying to make it sound as though it’s your fault for believing that truth. He’s telling you that if only you wouldn’t believe that truth but, rather, believe the lies that he is feeding you, that everything would be fine. You’ve tried that long enough and now you know that he isn’t giving you the truth. Believe yourself.
Work with what you know to be true.
It’s been shown that he does not respond to talking. A person who cares for you would value your experience, want your happiness, and work to make reasonable changes to make the relationship mutual. Right now your relationship is not mutual. Your husband has the freedom to express his opinions but you don’t. He can tell you how to make him happy (leave him alone and be nice), but you can’t tell him how he can make you happy.
When talking doesn’t get the point across, it might be that there is nothing to motivate him to take you seriously. You tell him that things have to change, but he doesn’t feel the need. So the next step is to help him feel the need for change. And that brings us to the third point.
Help the truth hurt.
If all your hard work hasn’t brought a profit, you’ve been working hard at the wrong things. So far he’s been comfortably telling you how to be happy and watching you make efforts to be happier despite his indifference to you. Why would he change? Nothing is miserable for him - it’s only miserable for you. And sometimes people only change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.
If you are trying to break the natural laws God put in place for relationships, it’s no wonder you are getting hurt. If he sows indifference, the natural consequence of that is that he would reap indifference. But it sounds like he’s been reaping your efforts to be happier and be nice.
Perhaps when he starts experiencing the natural consequences of his indifference to you, it will cause him to realize the hurt he’s causing (or at least the hurt he’s experiencing). This isn’t about getting back at him, it’s about allowing him to experience the kind of relationship that he is producing rather than saving him from the consequences of his behavior.
There is no guarantee that he will respond well to the consequences and realize that he needs to change. It’s possible that he might just become more insistent that the problem is you. But even if he doesn’t change, you will be stepping into truth, and . . .
hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .
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