Is It My Fault That He's Angry? (My Counselor Said I'm Enabling Him)

July 13, 2020 Changing Us

Question from a reader:

I went to a counselor to see how I should handle my husband’s anger. When things don’t go the way he wants them to, he gets angry, usually with me for not doing what he wants me to do. The counselor told me that the way I respond to my husband’s anger is codependent behavior and that I’m enabling him. Is it my fault that he’s angry because of how I respond?

Answer:

It is not your fault that he is angry.

His anger is his fault - it’s a choice that he is making. He could make a different choice if he so desired. The question is: why is he making that choice? Often the reason that people get angry is because it gets them what they want. At the root of human anger is selfishness. James 1: 20 says that “human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

There is a difference between human anger and godly anger.

Godly anger is anger for the right reasons. When we look at what God gets angry about, we see that he gets angry about idolatry (making the wrong things important), injustice (not being treated according to what our behavior deserves), and oppression (being controlled or overpowered). Human anger, on the other hand, stems from not getting our own way.

Your husband’s anger is human anger. You know that because you said that he often gets angry because things don’t go the way he wants them to. That is selfish human anger. But why does he choose that?

How does he benefit from being angry?

Your counselor said that the way you respond is enabling him. What does your husband get when he gets angry?

Does he get you to comply?
Does he scare you into silence?
Does he get you cuddling up next to him to try to calm him down or make him happy?
Does he get agreement or sympathy?
Does he get you to take responsibility for something that isn’t really your fault, relieving him of the burden?

If it works, he’s going to use it.

So, while you aren’t the cause of his anger nor are you responsible for how he handles it, you are responsible for your response to it. Some people take this to mean that, to respond the way God wants them to, they should turn the other cheek, submit without a word, or try harder to please him in hopes that he’ll treat them better.

And while there are times that those are the best responses, most of the time God just wants you to abide by the natural laws he created for relationships. Laws that make sense - that acknowledge the value of cause and effect, that reveal where responsibility lies, that grant authority to those whom God has given authority to (and it might not be who you think!), that remind you that God speaks to you through your conscience, that explain how justice and grace coincide, and more [Get my workbook on 10 tips from the Bible on how to do relationships]

Emotionally healthy people who are not codependent abide by God’s natural laws for relationships. They allow justice to take it’s course while still showing compassion for others. They embrace the authority God has given them to guard their hearts and protect themselves from harmful behavior.

People who are codependent, on the other hand, tolerate harmful behavior. They see themselves as responsible for how other people treat them, believing that if someone treats them poorly it must be because of something that they’ve done. So they try to change: to be more acquiescing, more agreeable, and nicer. They take responsibility not only for their own choices but for the choices of others, too.

Taking responsibility for others doesn’t make someone who is codependent responsible for others’ choices - it just makes them think they’re responsible. The truth is that you are not responsible for his anger, but you are responsible for your response to it. And if you don’t like it (who would?!) here is something you might try so that you stop enabling him.

How to stop enabling

At a time when he isn’t angry, let him know that you’d like some time to talk to him, and decide upon a time. When you begin the conversation, say something like this: “You might not realize this because I’ve never been upfront with you about this before, but when it’s been really bothering me lately, and I think you should know. There are times that you get angry, and it scares me. I don’t want to live in fear of your anger, so I hope it’s OK with you if I start letting you know when I sense your anger. I’m hoping that will give you a chance to change direction and handle things differently. I believe that will be good for our relationship.”

If he starts to question your perspective, pick your words apart, tell you that you’re too sensitive or are misinterpreting him, or any other diversion tactic, do not engage further with him. You do not have to READ (Reason, Explain, Argue, or Defend yourself). The fact that you have stated a boundary is enough - you don’t have to READ it.

Instead, restate the boundary and say: “I can see that you want to discuss this, but it’s really not up for discussion. I don’t want to be subjected to your anger, nor should I have to be. If you won’t allow me to help make you aware of it, then I want you to know that when I sense you getting angry, I will be going into the other room and not engaging with you until you have worked through it.”

As you do this, be prepared to set incrementally larger consequences for his attempts to violate your boundary. This may mean that if he follows you into the other room you leave the house, and if he follows you outside you go to a friend’s or family’s house. If he tries to prevent you from leaving, you go to the other door, call a friend to come over, or call the police.

(Please know that if implementing these methods will create an unsafe situation for you, do not attempt to set these incrementally larger consequences. Instead, make an immediate plan to safely remove yourself from harm.)

What you’re looking for is an emotionally healthy response from him. Emotionally healthy people are able to look at their own behavior and make adjustments for the sake of growth and those they care about. [You can access my free resource to learn more about the aspects of a healthy relationship here]

Even if he doesn’t respond the way you hope he will, the only way to free yourself from enabling him is to change your response to him. And even if he still gets angry, know that . . .

hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .

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