Help, My Spouse Is Angry (And So Am I)

March 2, 2021 Changing Us

Anger. It isn’t just about yelling or arguing. It’s the vibe oozing into the atmosphere. It’s the tension in the air. It’s the obvious seething occurring under the surface that could erupt at any time. It’s the heavy footsteps and tossing things about. It’s the sarcasm, the silent treatment, or the criticism. It’s the rationalizations that things should be a particular way. And it’s the threat of continued anger if they aren’t.

Anger is frightening no matter what form it comes in or who you are, even if you think you’ve figured out how not to let it affect you by dismissing it, trying to calm it, being tough enough to fight it, or working through it.

In fact, your body’s response to it is a trauma response: fight, flight, or freeze. You can can try to override that with willpower, but over time, it will wear you down. That’s why it is extremely important that you understand anger and how to respond to it - both your anger and the anger of others.

Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry

Ephesians 4: 26 says “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Many people have taken that to mean that all arguments should be resolved before you go to sleep - even if it means staying up all night to hash it out.

However, if you look to the footnote for that verse, it references Psalm 4: 4, which says “In your anger do not sin; when you are on your bed, search your heart and be silent.” It’s the idea not that we should talk about it until it’s resolved but that we should be silent and think about it, resolving it within ourselves - and expecting the other person to resolve their own anger as well.

And why is silence the resolution? Because talking while you’re angry is not productive. Anger is something that needs to be resolved from within because . . .

anger isn’t the problem - it’s a symptom

Read that again. The problem isn’t anger - the problem isn’t even what you’re arguing about. Both the anger and the arguing are symptoms of something happening in the hearts of those who are angry.

Some people work on their anger year after year to learn how to stop being so angry. For many, their attempts boil down to lowering their voice, looking for something “acceptable” to take their anger out on (a pillow, a punching bag, etc.), or taking a break when they’re angry.

Although these ways of handling anger might keep it from escalating - it is simply a way of “managing” anger - it doesn’t resolve it - it doesn’t make it go away. That’s because anger isn’t the problem - it’s a symptom.

What is it a symptom of? This is where “search your heart and be silent” comes in.

Like all other feelings, the feeling of anger needs to be used as information to help you understand why the anger is there so that you can discover what the real problem is.

There are two forms of anger

1. Righteous anger

God gets angry. His is a righteous anger. That means that he gets angry about the right things: oppression, injustice, idolatry, unrepentance - things that hurt others and reject God. Things that are the opposite of “love God and love your neighbor.”

If we are to be conformed to the image of Christ, then righteous anger is aligned with God’s character. Of course we must be careful not to let that anger lead us to sin, because that would not align with the character of God. For example, it’s righteous to be angry about abuse, but seeking out the abuser to harm him would not be righteous. (To be clear, seeking vengeance in this way is to be distinguished from self-defense which is biblically appropriate.) [Read my article on abuse]

There are many appropriate ways to respond to righteous anger, but none of them involve sin (intentionally harming others). They can include:

defending the oppressed

seeking justice for those treated unjustly
calling out wrongdoing
setting boundaries
implementing relevant consequences
seeking protection
and keeping your distance from those who do not do right

[Click here to get my list of “What Would Jesus (Really) Do”]

2. Unrighteous anger

Unrighteous anger is anger that stems from selfishness. It usually corresponds to unmet expectations. James 4: 1,2 says “you desire but do not have . . . you covet but you do not get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.”

Anger from unmet expectations can be righteous anger if the expectations are realistic, but if the expectations are unrealistic, the anger is unrighteous.

What to know about anger

1. A harsh response (even if said calmly but laden with anger under the surface) stirs up wrath

No one likes to be treated harshly. Unrighteous anger will stir up wrath in even a righteous person (because of the injustice of the other’s anger). But righteous anger handled properly turns away wrath (Proverbs 15: 1). However, if righteous anger is still being met with wrath in response, then it is right to question the other person’s righteousness.

As an example of how unrighteous anger can stir up righteous anger: Your spouse gets angry with you for accidentally knocking over his drink. In response, you get angry. Your anger is righteous - you are getting angry at the injustice of his response (getting angry at someone for doing something accidentally is not justified) and at the oppression you are experiencing (he is using anger to get you to feel stupid, apologetic, or because he lacks self-control and therefore attempts other-control - all forms of oppression). His angry response may be accompanied by blatant sin: yelling, swearing, name-calling, etc. However, your anger should not be accompanied by sin but, rather, by truth, gentleness, and respect as you calmly state the truth: that you did not mean to spill his drink, that mistakes happen, that you will clean it up, and that his anger toward you is not appropriate.

An example of how righteous anger being met with wrath is unjustified: You get angry with him for cheating on you. His response is to get angry with you for calling him out and “accusing” him. Your anger is justified. His is simply a childish response to being told that he has done something unacceptable that he wanted to do and thought he could get away with. His anger is unjustified.

2. Anger is the wrong response if it produces bad results

If anger results in the other person getting angry in return, then it hasn’t achieved the sought-after results, and it’s time to consider whether the anger is stemming from the wrong motives. If the motive is righteous (injustice, oppression, unrepentance), then the other person’s anger is not justified. But if the motive is unrighteous (selfishness, control, immaturity), then the other person’s anger may be justified.

Recognizing when anger produces undesirable results (e.g. anger in return, rebellion, depression, anxiety) can help determine what can be done differently to get better results. If it’s righteous anger that is producing undesirable results, then, like God, it makes sense to set boundaries and implement consequences with those who are not responding to righteous anger.

If it’s unrighteous anger that is producing undesirable results, that’s a big clue that, in order to get the desired results, the method needs to change (anger will never produce what is desired - James 1:20 says “human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires”) - and that will mean getting at the root of the anger and resolving the problem underneath (selfishness, immaturity, etc) to eliminate the anger - not just manage it or display it differently.

3. Anger can stem from wanting control but being unable to get it

When someone gets angry because another person is not doing what they want them to do (or what that someone thinks they should do) that is a sign of immaturity, selfishness, and a need to control someone else. This is always unhealthy. Emotionally healthy people give others the freedom to make their own choices without having to experience someone else’s wrath for the choices they are making. [Worried that your anger stems from this? Read my article on how someone else’s character can affect your communication]

4. Anger takes away your ability to reason if you act on your anger instead of inspecting it

Allowing anger to take control will shut off access to the reasoning part of the brain. This can lead to saying and doing things in anger that a person doesn’t mean, and may not even remember.

Anger should not be acted on but, rather, inspected: Why is there anger? What does the anger signal (selfishness? being sinned against? etc.)? And that information should be used to determine an appropriate response. Lashing out is never a productive or healthy behavior. James 1: 20 says “Human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” Rather, an appropriate response can be determined by whether the anger is righteous or unrighteous.

How to respond to anger

**If you experience righteous anger toward someone else:**

recognize that your anger is in response to being sinned against
set a boundary
implement a consequence for violation of that boundary

**If you are on the receiving end of someone else’s righteous anger:**

recognize your sin
apologize
repent

**If you have unrighteous anger toward someone else:**

determine what the problem is beneath your anger
work to resolve the problem (therapy, self-help, accountability)
confess your sin
repent

If you are on the receiving end of someone else’s unrighteous anger:

allow the natural consequences of their sin to take place
set a boundary to protect yourself from being continually sinned against
implement consequences for violation of the boundary

Don’t wait around, without taking action, for the person to learn how to “control” their anger. People change when they experience consequences for the way they are. And it’s only when you do something different and righteous that you will find that . . .