Sometimes when we say that we need to figure out how to handle someone’s behavior, what we want to know is how to get someone to change so that they don’t behave like that anymore. For example, they get angry, and you want to know how to handle their anger. What you mean is: “How can I get them to stop being angry?” Right?

Whether it’s a spouse, a friend, a parent, or a child (even an adult child), behavior that is hard to handle is more about you than it is about them. What I mean is not that you CAUSING their behavior – that’s a choice they are making on their own – but that you are ALLOWING yourself to be treated that way. So it really isn’t that THEY need to change  . . .

it’s that YOU need to change.

For example, let’s say that you have a teenager or spouse or friend who lets you know, either by words or actions, that they don’t care what you have to say. So then you try to tell them that you feel hurt when they treat you like that, but their response continues to send the message that they don’t care. You tell them that you care about them and want to have a good relationship with them, but they blow you off or argue with you. You end up feeling trampled.

That might be when you wonder how you could handle them differently. What you might really be wanting to know is: “How can I control what they do so that I don’t feel hurt and trampled?”

You see, it’s negative consequences that make us seek change. We want to avoid uncomfortable feelings of rejection, abandonment, and fear. You’ve probably tried controlling the other person with kindness, with a plea for empathy, maybe even with guilt or tears. And none of that changes their behavior. When you experience those negative consequences even after being loving, kind, and caring, you wonder what else you could do to avoid feeling that.

In the same way, it’s negative consequences that might motivate the other person to change. However, while your spouse, child, or friend treats you with contempt and disrespect, you show more love, kindness, and care toward them. Their bad behavior produces positive consequences for them. Their bad behavior means that they get more of what they want – love and kindness from you. Even if you end up getting upset with them, they probably know that what comes next is a nice apology and some closeness. Rewards for their bad behavior. Why would they stop treating you like that? It gets them what they want!

What they don’t understand is that, when they treat you like that, your responses are a cry to be treated with care, love, and respect. But they don’t see it from that perspective because your behavior tells them that those things aren’t really important to you. While trying to convince them that you love them so that they treat you better, you are showing them that you don’t care how you’re treated - you are allowing them to yell, swear, stomp around, throw things, isolate, give you the silent treatment, tell you what to do, and treat you like it doesn’t matter what you think.

On one hand, you are telling them how you want to be treated, but at the same time, you are allowing yourself to be treated in a way that you don’t want to be treated.

Will they change because you tell them to treat you differently?

Some people will not change just because you ask them to. This is because they are getting the love and kindness that they want when they treat you like that.

They will change when there are negative consequences, instead of positive ones for their behavior. They won’t change when you TELL them to treat you differently, they will change when you stop ALLOWING yourself to be treated the way they treat you.

When I say that, I don’t mean to suggest that you should make them stop treating you like that. As you know, you can’t MAKE them do anything. You don’t have control over what they do, as you are discovering with all your efforts to get them to stop treating you poorly.

What you DO have control over is what you allow yourself to tolerate.

This might be hard to wrap your head around at first because your mind might go right to picturing yourself saying things to them like “I will not tolerate that kind of behavior” or other similar statements which continue to spiral into attempts of you trying to make them stop. Then you are right back to trying to control their behavior.

So you have to shift your thinking from “I will tell them I won’t tolerate being treated like that” to “I will show them that I won’t tolerate being treated like that.”

So the next question is:

How will you show them that you won’t tolerate it?

This is practice in boundaries and enforcing them with consequences when they are violated.

Here’s an example of how you can show them that you won’t tolerate being treated the way they are treating you. First, you should always start by making the other person aware of your boundary – what is OK with you and what isn’t – and your desire to have a good relationship with them. You might say something like: “I’m feeling trampled and unheard. I would like to be shown some consideration. It’s important to me that we are able to talk to each other respectfully. If that can’t happen, then something will have to change.”

It’s OK to keep it vague if you haven’t had a chance to think of what the actual consequence will be. You can learn more about how to process through situations to come up with an appropriate consequence when you in my workbook on healthy conflict.

When your boundary is not met with understanding and a positive change in behavior (and it probably won’t be), don’t allow yourself to be drawn into the other person’s drama by their threats of CRAP (Criticism, Rejection, Abandonment, and Punishment). You do not need to READ (Reason, Explain, Argue, or Defend) your position. Simply repeat your boundary one time, then let them know what the consequence will be – and implement it. (If you don’t know what the consequence will be yet, then say “I am going to take a break so that I can figure out the best way to handle this.”)

When you know what the consequence will be for their violation of your boundary, you can say something like “Since I’m not being treated the way I asked to be treated, I will no longer be able to  . . .“ (fill in the blank with something appropriate: “I will no longer be able to discuss certain things with you” or “I will no longer ask for your opinion (or permission) before I do something” or “I will no longer provide ____ for you.” Fill in the blank with whatever consequence you’ve decided is appropriate.

You can’t make someone care who doesn’t care, nor can you reason with them into caring.

What you CAN do is give someone the freedom to be uncaring and, with that, the freedom to experience the natural consequences of being uncaring so they have an opportunity to see if they like being uncaring or if, perhaps, caring would produce better results for them.

Now this may be difficult, because maybe you’ve always thought that you should treat them the way you would want to be treated. You thought that being a good example would be lead to change. You thought that loving them would result in them loving you, too.

With some people, it just doesn’t work that way. Rather than treating them the way you want to be treated, you can be an example to them by treating YOURSELF the way you want to be treated. You can be an example by loving yourself so well that, when they see you, they know exactly how it should be done.

Do you want to be yelled at? No. Then don’t tolerate being yelled at. Do you want to feel like you’re walking on eggshells to avoid their anger? No. Then don’t allow yourself to be in situations where you’re walking on eggshells.

Instead, tell them what is not OK with you and what you expect instead. Then back it up by allowing them to experience the natural consequences of violating your boundaries.

It can be difficult to make this shift at first, for a number of reasons.

1. It might be the opposite of what you’ve learned about how to treat people [Read my article about the common advice to “try harder and pray” or “turn the other cheek”]

2. It might feel mean or disrespectful because of how you’ve been trained to respond to that person [Read my article on what it means to be respectful]

3. The spouse, child, friend, or parent (whoever the other person is) might tell you that what you are doing is not right [Read my article on whether it’s your job to hold someone else accountable]

4. You might not know what kind of consequences are appropriate, so it feels overwhelming. For help with that, get my workbook on handling conflict.

Whatever hesitations you have about making these changes to handle someone differently, know that, with each step you take to shift how you think about your relationship, it will feel like you are connecting with the truth and are getting more clarity and strength, and the boundaries and consequences will become more natural.

You will also start to see real change in your relationship, because . . .

hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .

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