Question from a reader: I don’t know what to do when he says stuff that contradicts his actions. For instance: apologizing for an action that he’s done 10 times in a week, so he obviously has no intention of changing. Or telling me my anger is justified when I’m calm and being self-righteous and offended by my anger when it surfaces. Do I call him on these inconsistencies? Or just let it go? So far, pointing out the inconsistencies hasn’t led to good results. But not saying anything feels so dishonest! He has real issues with criticism of any kind - no matter how gentle or how small. Accountability for him is a major issue. So do I just stop? It’s certainly easier to let it go. But it feels dishonest.

Answer: I'm so glad you asked this because this is a very common question. One of the hallmarks of someone who is emotionally unhealthy is the inability to accept feedback. At the same time, one of the necessary ingredients of a mutual relationship is feeling free to be able to give feedback knowing that your spouse has the emotional maturity to be able to receive it. Without this healthy dynamic, the relationship will be strained in the way that you described. You want to be able to give feedback because the growth that comes from it will bring more peace and unity, but doing so only creates more tension.

Your husband does not like to be confronted with the truth and uses tactics to prevent himself from having to face it because he is not able to accept feedback. Perhaps he was raised by a controlling parent or by parents who gave him so much freedom that he questioned whether they even cared. [You can read more about that in my article on why people become abusive.] Whatever the reason, you are now faced with trying to figure out how to be in relationship with someone whose actions are not consistent, leaving you spinning in the chaos and conflict while trying to pursue peace and unity. 

Since he has made it clear that he doesn’t have any intention of changing as evidenced by his unwillingness to be held accountable, you already know it will be a waste of your time and energy to call him out on these things - you've already tried that with results that are not good:

• He gets offended. 

• He gets angry. 

• He points the finger back at you. 

• He says he’s sorry to appease you but then does it again anyway, demanding that you forgive him each time because he said he was sorry. 

• He tells you that you shouldn’t be upset or that you’re making a big deal out of something that’s not a big deal. 

• He accuses you of being critical, self-righteous, or negative. 

All tactics to avoid having to take responsibility.

And you're right:

not saying anything is dishonest

It’s betraying yourself and your sense of what is right. It’s forcing you to be quiet instead of being honest. It’s forsaking your freedom to vocalize what you believe would make your marriage better. It’s being held back from growth. And it’s so frustrating to feel like you have to stay stuck when the solution seems so obvious but he just doesn’t want to hear it. The thing that will be most helpful to him is as simple as accepting your feedback; yet he perceives it as a threat to who he his, and so he does what he can to shut you down. And although this feels better to him, it is actually harmful to him because not being willing to hear it is preventing him from being able to become better. 

It is so common to feel stuck at this point as you wonder: Do I keep trying to talk to him or do I stop and end up feeling like a liar and get resentful and frustrated? A liar because if you don’t say anything, that means you have to pretend that everything is OK, and that’s a lie. Resentful because you are doing your part, you are working on the relationship, you are accepting feedback, but he isn’t doing any of those things - and it isn’t fair. Right? A relationship should be 50/50 (or should it be 100/100?) (Read my article about that when you click the link.) And frustrated because you desire for him to be better, and you know how he could accomplish that, and yet he refuses.

So here’s what you can do: Since talking to him isn't working, 

it's time for your actions to speak louder than words

You see, people change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Talking is enough for some people - just knowing that they have hurt someone or disappointed someone or haven't lived up to someone's expectations produces enough pain that they want to change - but for other people, talking isn't enough and it's just like a little buzzing in their ear that is easy to blow off.

So, what do I mean by "actions"? I'm talking about boundaries and consequences. You've already stated to him some of your boundaries: You've told him (in one way or another) that apologizing and not changing is meaningless, that his anger is hurtful, and that his inconsistencies are not good. 

He isn't listening . . . because there is no consequence to him if he ignores you . . . there's nothing motivating him to change. 

The consequences are the actions you take when the message doesn’t get through with talking. Decide what a natural consequence/response would be when he apologizes but then does it again. An obvious consequence is that he loses your trust, and there are logical actions that go along with that. For example, maybe you don't sleep in the same bed with someone you can't trust with your heart. [Is this OK? Read my article “Do I Have To Have Sex With My Husband?”]

There are many many ways to let your actions speak louder than your words. You can get more ideas and a better understanding of natural consequences when you read my article about that here. 

Now you may be thinking: "easier said than done." It’s easy to talk about boundaries and consequences, but not so easy to know how to implement them. You might be concerned about the intensity of his response if you start setting boundaries - he’s not going to like it. You might be conflicted about whether it's even OK for you to set boundaries as his wife. Or you might be doubtful that it will bring about the change that you are hoping for. 

These are all very legitimate concerns at this point in your journey. It’s difficult to know how to navigate these changes. If you would like to talk to someone about this, I do offer a "Breakthrough Session" where I'm available to talk with you and give you some specific insight about your situation. If you'd like to schedule that session, you can do that here.

And with a shift in your approach, you will discover that . . . 

hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .

Have a question about relationships or looking for marriage counseling?

Want articles like this delivered to your inbox? Subscribe below 👇

Share this article