Does your husband just sit around watching TV or playing video games?

Or maybe he does the opposite: he’s always busy in the garage or helping other people.

Is his relationship with his kids on thin ice?

He can’t keep a job, or he doesn’t get away from the one he has (workaholic)?

His spending is out of control? Or perhaps he has too much control over spending and you’re living poor even though you don’t have to.

Bad habits or addictions?

Watching porn?

He’s a slob?

Irresponsible?

Lazy?

Maybe you can’t put your finger on it, but you just know that he isn’t all that he could be . . .  and it’s affecting your marriage.

It can be a helpless feeling. Likely you’ve already made a lot of efforts to help him be better. Talking to him has maybe produced temporary results, but they don’t last. Or maybe talking has ended in arguments that leave you feeling like you’re to blame or you’re the one who needs to change. You’ve probably tried just accepting that that’s who he is, praying for him, and “helping” him get better. [Read my article on the husband as leader]

And it all leads to a recurring pattern that ultimately ends in frustration and resentment. And then what’s a wife to do?

You want a husband who is all that he is supposed to be.

Even that statement might make you question whether it’s OK to have expectations about what a husband is supposed to be like.

What if you shouldn’t expect anything of him? Maybe that’s just who he is and he’ll never be better, and you should just accept him as he is. (Maybe he’s even used those words to help you be more accepting of him. *clears throat* I mean: maybe he’s even used those words so that you don’t hold him accountable and he can continue to live selfishly.)

The truth is: God doesn’t expect people to not get better and just stay as they are. Ephesians 4: 15 says “grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”

And God has expectations of your husband, and he tells you what they are. So you can expect those things, too:

• submit to your wives (Ephesians 5: 21)

• be considerate of your wives (1 Peter 3: 7)

• treat your wives with respect (1 Peter 3: 7) 

• love your wives (Ephesians 5: 25)

• give yourself up for your wives (Ephesians 5: 25)

• do not be harsh with your wives (Colossians 3: 19)

Why should you expect your husband to strive toward those qualities in increasing measure? Because 2 Peter 1: 5-7 says that you should add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. Verse 8 goes on to say that if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive. And in verse 9, he gives a warning to those who lack those, saying that whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind.

Regardless of whether your husband is a Christian or not, you can expect him to do the natural human thing: grow. If he doesn’t, not only does it affect you, but despite his insistence that he is fine and does not need to change and that’s just the way he is and you should accept him like that  . . .  it also does him harm.

A person who does not work at becoming a better person will naturally have strained relationships and priorities in the wrong order which will lead to either:

• anxiety, stress, unending striving for that which doesn’t fulfill, a false sense of confidence, frustration and anger, and a life that is never satisfying

OR

• a sense of discouragement, helplessness, giving up, resignation, lack of trying, dissatisfaction, negativity, and hopelessness

None of those lead to a happy life . . . or a happy wife.

What can you do to help your husband be better?

1. Reframe how you think about love and godliness.

You know that the way he is isn’t good for you or for him. You want to love him well and be a godly wife, but accepting who he is only helps him stay that way, making you and him miserable. Really loving means doing whatever is in his best interest – and that might mean showing him the consequences of the way he is. And that leads us to #2.

2. Stop getting frustrated and take action.

Talking hasn’t helped. And neither does your frustration. In fact, frustration is the result of trying (and failing) to have control over things that are not in your control. The solution is to stop making his problem your problem and start making his problem his problem (that’s a mouthful). This shifts the control over the problem from you to him, putting the onus where it belongs and alleviating your frustration.

Here’s what I mean: You’ve been trying to get him to change – that’s you trying to control it. When you say to yourself “this is not my problem, I have to get him to see it as HIS problem” then you put control over the problem (and its solution) into his hands.

How do you do that? You let him start feeling the real and natural consequences of his actions. [Click here to read my article on doing the “natural” and leaving the “supernatural” up to God]

For example: If you husband is lazy, what is the natural result of being lazy? Perhaps garbage piles up around them, they have no clean clothes, they don’t get meals, they miss out on human interaction. These circumstances drive other people away from them and create isolation. If that becomes painful enough, it may motivate them to change.

But in order for that to happen, you have to change first, perhaps. Maybe you have to stop “helping” him: stop cleaning up after him, stop doing his laundry, stop making his meals. Help him feel the pain of his laziness.

Another example: Perhaps your husband spends too much money. What is the result of spending too much? Maybe getting into debt, running out of money (and credit), not being able to get the things you want, and having a cluttered house.

How can you help? Let him experience the painful consequences of spending too much. Have you been “helping him out”? Giving him money? Paying his bills? Finding space for his stuff? [Read my article on financial abuse]

Maybe it’s time to do a budget that gives you each a limited allowance for spending and equal contribution to household bills. Or develop a plan to get rid of one old item for each new item that he buys. Get rid of credit cards. Maybe even open a separate bank account (*the audience gasps*) so that he doesn’t have access to money that you earn (or, if you don’t earn any, money that is within your purview). If you are concerned about debt that he is in that is affecting your credit score, you may be able to protect yourself from his consequences by getting a legal separation that legally separates his financial situation from yours. (It may feel harsh, but it’s a loving consequence. If the experiences of other consequences aren’t painful enough to produce change, maybe this one will.)

3. Have a heart of compassion and a mind of justice as he feels the pain of the consequences.

Painful consequences are not punishments, and they are not for vengeance. They are the natural result of bad decisions and wrong behavior. And they are intended for redirection and growth. God’s relationship with us is filled with boundaries and consequences, both good and bad. We can use him as our model for how to allow someone to experience the consequences of their actions.

When we do things that are not good for us, the result is destructive. Romans 6: 23 says that the wages of sin is death. But it doesn’t end there, thankfully. Romans goes on to explain that in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it used what is good (the commandments – you know, boundaries) to bring about my death (the painful consequence), so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful” (Romans 7: 13). In other words, the commandments (boundaries) and the consequences of breaking them help us recognize what is wrong and give us an opportunity to change.

God helps us be better by loving us with a heart of compassion and a mind of justice. He isn’t weak in dealing with us, but he also hurts for us when we stray from the good plan that he has for us - he has compassion. That is the attitude we should have toward our husbands. We should feel sorry for them that they are experiencing the pain, but we should also acknowledge that it is in their power to make the pain stop.

And if your husband chooses not to be better, that says a lot about his priorities, his capacity for love and surrender, and his ability to fulfill the vows he made to you on your wedding day.

Helping someone be better doesn’t always change them, but it always helps us be better. And . . .

hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .

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