If you suffer from anxiety and have been struggling to overcome it, chances are that you’ve been trying to manage all the symptoms of anxiety but missing the real problem.

For many who experience the pounding heart, the tight chest, the inability to focus, the panicky feeling, irritability, restlessness, that unsettled feeling, and worry, anxiety is rarely the problem in and of itself. Rather, it’s a symptom - the result of situations that you are having to deal with every day that are creating those feelings of anxiety.

Many therapeutic approaches to deal with anxiety involve taking medication, focusing on positive thoughts, practicing grounding techniques, or using other in-the-moment solutions, but all of these treat the effects of the anxiety without getting to the root of the actual problem - because anxiety is often a symptom of a deeper problem.

Treating Symptoms of Anxiety

Since in-the-moment solutions have some value in managing anxiety, let’s start with a few things you can do to manage the anxiety while you work on discovering what, in your life, is at the root of your anxiety. 

So here we go:

• Don’t focus on the worst possible outcomes - focus on what could go right

• Don’t downplay the good things that happen to you - celebrate every little one

• Remind yourself that every situation has some good things about it

• Don’t assume that everything will go wrong - one thing going wrong doesn’t mean the rest of the day will be bad

• If you find yourself thinking about something over and over again, choose a time to think about it and put that time on your schedule - then tell yourself you won’t spend time thinking about it until the scheduled time

• Don’t assume that others are thinking negative things about you or judging you

• Accept that there are some things that are simply out of your control - and just control the things you can

• When you start to worry about the future, refocus on what you can do in the present - all you can do is the next right thing

• Don’t overplay things - too many details and trying too hard to control the plan can lead to feeling anxious - have a general plan, let things happen, and go with the flow

• Stop comparing yourself to others

• Ask yourself “How bad is it really?” And rate it on a scale of 1-10. You might find that it’s not that big of a deal

• Journal about it - transferring anxious feelings onto paper can get it out of your head

• Don’t let yourself ruminate - distract yourself - think of something you can do instead and do it

• Seek out positive messages - whether that’s listening to podcasts, reading positive books, listening to encouraging music, or watching uplifting movies or shows

• Don’t let anxiety stop you from taking care of yourself - when you do things to take care of yourself, you’ll feel better about yourself

• Tell yourself what you would tell a friend if they came to you with the situation that you have anxiety about - if you feel like you can help others, then you can help yourself

• Move around: go for a walk, clean, pace the floor, get up and go to the kitchen/bathroom/any room

• Consider: “what’s the worst that could happen?” And you might find that the worst thing that could happen really isn’t that bad

The Root of The Anxiety Problem

Now on to the real problem. To really make anxiety go away, you have to address the root of it.

If you take medication to ease your anxiety, that can be very helpful, but increasing your dose or changing medications because the anxiety is not being completely eliminated or well-enough controlled by the medication is not the solution.

When medications and therapeutic techniques don’t work as well as you want them to, it might be time to consider that there may be things in your life that would cause anyone anxiety - and you can’t medicate those things out of your life - you need to learn what to do about them in order to eliminate the anxiety you feel and find peace. Because anxiety is not the problem, it’s a symptom.

So what is anxiety a symptom of? Here are some things that can be the real problem behind anxiety:

• Living with someone who is negative and critical

• Trying hard to do the right things but feeling like you can’t get it right

• Having someone in your life who you are trying not to upset

• Having someone in your life you are striving to make happy, make them proud of you, or make them appreciate you

• Allowing others to define your self-worth

• Fear of CRAP (Criticism, Rejection, Abandonment, and Punishment)

• Unhealed childhood wounds that you are subconsciously trying to nurse or soothe

• Looking to others to get your needs met

• Feeling like you can’t be honest

• Having a hard time saying “no”

• Pressure to agree with people or say or do what they want

So, at a deeper level than what medication or other in-the-moment therapeutic approaches can offer, what can you do to eliminate anxiety all together? 

The Solution

Let’s take that list of problems one at a time and briefly discuss the solutions.

Problem: Living with someone who is negative and critical 

Solution: Be transparent with that person about how their negativity and criticism is affecting you, and let them know that you’d like them to stop. Learn how to set boundaries to guard your heart from future negativity and criticism if they fail to honor your request.

Problem: Trying hard to do the right things but feeling like you can’t get it right

Solution: Ask yourself why you feel so much pressure to do the right things. Emotionally healthy people don’t feel pressure like that - they aren’t afraid of what they don’t know. Allow yourself to make mistakes or make choices that don’t turn out so well without taking on any judgement - from yourself or from others. 

Problem: Having someone in your life who you are trying not to upset

Solution: Stop tip-toeing around them and, instead, set the expectation with them that you are no longer taking responsibility for their moods and that they need to manage their moods themselves. Allow the natural result of their unstable moods to take place: distance - because no one likes to be around all that tension. 

Problem: Having someone in your life you are doing things for in an attempt to make them happy, make them proud of you, or make them appreciate you

Solution: Reset the expectation in the relationship: Let them know you will no longer do things for them but, rather, you will only do things that make YOU happy and proud of yourself. You will never be able to get enough appreciation or love from someone else to fill your cup - you have to do that yourself. [Read my article on “When helping isn’t helping" - Fighting for someone who won’t fight for themselves”]

Problem: Allowing others to define you or your self-worth

Solution: Explore why you are allowing others to define you and ask yourself “Who is that important that they get to say who you are or what you’re worth?” Consider who God says you are and what you are worth. 

Problem: Fear of CRAP (Criticism, Rejection, Abandonment, and Punishment) 

Solution: Explore what’s behind those fears and why you’re so concerned that you’ll be criticized, rejected, abandoned, or punished. Then determine not to allow yourself to be controlled by those things. 

Problem: Unhealed childhood wounds that you are subconsciously trying to nurse or soothe

Solution: When you have unhealed wounds, you may think you are finding other people in your life who will be good for you and will meet your needs, but what you will find is that they are perfectly matched to exploit your wounds. Have a wound from feeling unprotected? You might find someone who seems tough but that will turn against you and you’ll find yourself being hurt by the very person you thought would protect you. Have a wound from feeling unloved? You might find someone who showers you with attention but then turns on you and makes you feel like you don’t deserve everything they give you. Get my guide to healing and forgiveness.

Problem: Looking to others to get your needs met

Solution: List what you need from others and start doing those things for yourself (and allowing God to do them for you) instead of relying on others to meet those needs. 

Problem: Feeling like you can’t be honest with others

Solution: Explore what prevents you from be able to be honest with others (perhaps their anger, demands, criticism, or persuasion) and have the discernment to know who you can be honest with and who you should avoid sharing anything with. Don’t substitute honesty for lies or for silence - instead, distance yourself from those you can’t be honest with. [Read my article on communication]

Problem: Having a hard time saying “no”

Solution: Ask yourself why it’s hard to say “no.” Perhaps it’s because you are afraid of letting people down. Stop putting other people’s wants above your own. No one’s life is that significantly affected by your “no” that you can’t decline to acquiesce to someone’s wishes or asks.  

Problem: Pressure to agree with people or say or do what they want

Solution: Explore what it is about certain people that puts pressure on you. Why do you feel like you have to agree with them? Then consider your own thoughts, opinions, feelings, and desires - and allow yourself to value those above what others want.

Exploring the Root of Anxiety

It can be extremely beneficial to work through these problems and solutions within the context of a therapeutic relationship where you’ll be able to explore the relationships in your life (including your “relationship” with yourself) and learn how emotionally healthy people deal with all of these same problems so that you can be healthy, too. If you’d like someone to talk to, schedule an appointment today.

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