Financial Abuse (And What the Bible Says About Separation)
Financial abuse can be debilitating and can take many forms
limited access to finances
being taken advantage of financially
being made liable for a spouse’s burdensome debt
or being hindered from having your own income
A question from a reader stems from a situation of financial abuse.
Question:
My husband has had an addiction for 20 years. He’s been to detox, treatments . . . nothing works. He’s spent the 401k, even while making a large annual salary. He stopped paying his share of the bills, but my name is on two of the loans he once paid.
One of the church elders says I shouldn’t divorce but just do a legal separation. I know God hates divorce; I also know he doesn’t approve of my husband’s choices. I really am stuck financially (if I didn’t have to pay the loans on which my name appears to protect my credit rating, I could move out).
Yours is the first post I’ve encountered that presents Biblical truths that perhaps are applicable. I would like to see him saved. I’ve asked him to leave many times.
I do go to church, participate in a Bible Study, and do additional Bible reading & journaling. Were there any Biblical examples of women leaving abusive situations?
Answer:
You’ve been sticking it out for a long time, hoping for change. I’m so sorry it hasn’t come yet.
The financial and emotional abuse you are enduring is debilitating. As you said, if you didn’t have to pay the bills just to keep your head above water, you’d be able to move out. But supporting his addiction is expensive and making you unable to care for your safety, sanity, and security (all things that God cares about, by the way!).
The advice of your elder to get a legal separation may be a good first step.
Legal separations are typically quicker to obtain than a divorce and will separate you from him financially, giving you a chance to recover from the financial strain you are under and making it more feasible for you to move out – an important step toward healing (not only for you, but possibly for your husband as well – but don’t hold your breath). Additionally, it will give you some time to regain your bearings and prayerfully consider your next steps.
You said that God hates divorce, but the Bible doesn’t say that. That idea is garnered from Malachi 2: 16 where it says that “the man who hates and divorces his wife does violence to the one he should protect” (NIV). The context here is not that God hates divorce but that hatred and sending a spouse away (in the tone of “dismissively discarding” someone) are acts of violence toward a spouse. Those are things that God hates. And, in fact, divorce is never in any of the lists of things that God hates or behaviors that are sinful. [You may be interested in reading my article on what the Bible says about divorce.]
You have loved him well, and you don’t have to keep sacrificing yourself on the altar of marriage.
God loves and cares about YOU more than he cares about marriage. He died for YOU, not for marriage. YOU are loved by God, and as a good Father, he does not want you to be harmed. If you can escape harm, you should.
How do we know that’s true? Every time I wonder if a behavior is OK, I go to my Master (God, of course) and ask what HE does in a similar situation. The Bible says that it is good for a student to be like his (or her) master. So let’s ask . . . does Jesus escape harm? He sure does. [You can read about that here]
But you asked if there are any Biblical examples of women leaving abusive situations.
My favorite example of a Bible wife who does right when her abusive husband does wrong is Abigail, the wife of Nabal. You can read my article about her here.
Other examples are Hagar fleeing from Sarah’s abuse (and Abraham’s, since he failed to protect Hagar) in Genesis 16, and Vashti, the queen married to King Xerxes in the book of Esther, refusing to be used as entertainment.
We also see plenty of times in the Bible that God punished men for being abusive to women who could not protect themselves and had no recourse: Bathsheba (abused by David) and Tamar (abused by Ammon) being obvious examples of women whom God avenged.
Possibly the clearest allowance for women to separate from their husbands is found in 1 Corinthians 7: 11 when Paul addresses the possibility that a woman may have to separate from her husband, saying “if she does [separate] . . .” Paul is acknowledging that sometimes it may be necessary.
Many people point to this passage as a command to not separate, overlooking Paul’s concession; but it is important to take into account that the statement that wives must not separate from their husbands is made to protect women (rather than limit them) from the cultural consequences of being without a husband: either destitution if they are alone or adultery if they are taken in by another man.
You see, women in that day could not pursue a legal divorce, so they either had to live alone with no means of support (destitution) or live with a man who isn’t their husband (adultery). To avoid this devastating no-win situation for women, Paul told women not to separate. But (as seen in Matthew 5 and 19) if a husband and wife did separate, it was commanded that the husband must give his wife a “certificate of divorce,” making the separation legal and allowing for the woman to remarry.
Today, women have the cultural freedom to both provide for themselves and pursue legal divorce, so the Bible’s concession that a woman may separate is much more conceivable than it was at the time that Paul was writing.
With all of that said, dear sister, be sure to live FROM the love of God rather than FOR it. You don’t have to prove anything to God or earn his approval. He knows your heart. He already loves you and cares for you. Jesus died to set you free. Galatians says “do not be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Concern that God will disapprove of your actions to protect yourself (to protect YOU . . . the woman he died to save) is holding you hostage to what Jesus has set you free from (sin, slavery, law).
Your husband may not be who he could be because of the addiction, but you have loved him enough to hold onto him for so long . . . now you may have to love him enough to let him go.
This stage of new discovery in your journey is difficult.
Need someone to walk it with you?
Hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation
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