Divorcing a Narcissist
So your spouse is a narcissist. [Read my article on what it’s like to live with a narcissist to see if it describes your relationship]
It often takes a long time to come to the realization that your spouse is a narcissist. You believe the best about people. You believe people can change. The love you give is amazing and generous and selfless. And you’re not one to give up on someone.
All of these qualities make it hard to recognize when you are being manipulated and controlled. So when you finally reach the point that you realize what’s happening, it’s like it causes a warp in reality - and you have some difficult shifts to make. Shifts in the way you do relationships - healthy shifts - but shifts that often lead to the obvious conclusion: your spouse is not capable of a mutual and loving relationship.
Divorcing a Narcissist
The devastating thing about divorcing a narcissist is that you love them so much and you just want them to love you back with the same overflowing love that you have given them.
The other devastating thing about divorcing a narcissist is realizing that they don’t love you unless they are getting what they want (and then is it really “love”?). And if they aren’t getting what they want - they are brutal:
Gasligihting, stalking, smearing, triangulating, playing the victim - the list of tactics goes on and on. [Download the whole list here]
And you’ve come to the difficult realization that all the ways you’ve tried to love them has only made things worse - they became MORE demanding, MORE controlling, and HARDER to please.
And now you’ve found yourself facing divorce. [If you’re a Christian and are struggling with the idea of divorce, please read my article on what they Bible says about divorce]
The thought of having to battle in court against a narcissistic spouse can be terrifying. Not only are you trying to navigate the emotional wreckage that the relationship has left in its wake, you are trying to learn how to garner the strength to go up against against them. And, knowing what you know about their MO:
They want their way with everything and are willing to twist the truth to get it.
They come up with reasons out of thin air for why they should get their way.
They stop at nothing to make you look like the bad guy.
And they try to put you on the defensive leaving you confused about what the truth is amongst the gaslighting, triangulation, and slander.
It feels overwhelming, and you wonder whether you even have the stamina to take them on. And, on the other hand, you ponder whether, perhaps, if you are extra-nice and generous and compromising maybe they will see what a good spouse you are and decide they don’t want to lose you.
Fat chance. (But I don’t blame you for thinking that. It’s all part of the game they’ve played with you for so long.)
So, what are you going to do?
You have some choices:
You can decide that your property, your assets, and your children are not worth fighting for and just let your spouse have all of it. (One last chance to show your spouse how much you’re willing to give up for them.)
Or you can try to work it out with them and spend a lot of time, emotional energy, and money and still end up losing a lot. (And hope that one day they will see how much you loved them.)
Or you can do this:
Accept the reality that they do not have the capacity to love or compromise
Love yourself enough to fight for what is yours
Learn the strategy of how to win
Now you might be thinking: “Win against a narcissist? I can’t. They lie. They cheat. The slander. And they get their way.”
It’s true that they do those things. But you CAN beat a narcissist in court.
You just need to learn the strategy behind winning. [Get my guide to winning in family court]
What does this strategy entail?
Getting yourself on the offensive instead of on the defensive.
YOU calling the shots instead of them.
And leaving THEM scrambling for their next move instead of you.
When you are able to do this, their facade will crumble - and the court will see right through them.
Vindication.
It’s a great feeling. You aren’t vengeful, it just feels good to get the affirmation that you are right and that others see it, too. You know what I mean?
It means that you can finally be confident in your reality. It means that you can finally value who you are. And it means that you can finally be right and successfully win what is rightfully yours so that you can maintain your lifestyle after divorce (and save your children from ongoing narcissistic abuse).
Going to court against a narcissist doesn’t have to be intimidating. You can have the upper hand and finally put a stop to being the victim. It will be worth the difficult season of divorce to find freedom on the other side and get your life back. And you will realize that, through all the years you spent trying to get your marriage to change, ultimately . . .
hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .
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