How Did I Just Describe Your Relationship? (What It's Like to Live With a Narcissist)

October 31, 2020 Changing Us

I want you to know that you are right.

Maybe that’s not something that you hear very often, but I want you to hear it from someone who has been where you are.

What are you right about?

You’re right about that feeling you have that says that your spouse should have figured out how to have good relationships by now.
You’re right that your spouse isn’t putting in the effort that you are.
You’re right about your spouse needing to see his/her faults and take some responsibility for them.
You’re right about the fact that you are doing all the right things and your relationship still isn’t getting better.
You’re right about how it seems like the relationship is all about your spouse.

Because it is.

The relationship is all about your spouse.

But it shouldn’t be all about them.

If you are feeling exhausted from trying to be a better spouse and you’re wondering why it feels as though you’re giving and giving and giving and your spouse is just taking, I want you to know that your sense about what your relationship is like is probably right.

And here’s the result of that:

(S)he’s only considerate of you if it benefits him/her
Every special day or time together is ruined
Mutuality and compromise don’t exist in your relationship
Your expectations have been reduced to being grateful if your spouse isn’t mad at you or cheating on you
You never win
(S)he expects that it’s your job to make sure that (s)he is held in high esteem by other people
If your spouse isn’t respected, successful, or happy, you’re made to feel as though it’s your fault
Shame is a tactic used to keep you in line [Does your spouse use any other tactics? Click here to download my free list of 40+ tactics]
Simple decisions are up for discussion as though they are a matter of life and death
You’re walking on eggshells as you try not to do anything that would displease your spouse
You spend all your emotional energy focusing on how your spouse feels and trying to manage his/her feelings
You wake up every day wondering if your spouse is mad at you for something
You find yourself questioning whether you’re right or your spouse is right and wondering “what is truth?”
You feel like you have to help your spouse have “normal” relationships because they can’t seem to figure it out on their own
You forgive your spouse a hundred times a day (for something different each time)
You believe that if you could just be a better person then your relationship would be better
Your weaknesses (perceived or real) are used against you
You try to follow the “rules of engagement” but they are always changing
The rules apply to you and everyone else, but not to your spouse
If you try to help your spouse make an improvement or adjustments to their life or relationships, they get angry and offended
Saying “no” or setting a boundary results in fury
The answer to a simple question is never a simple answer
Your spouse won’t make what’s important to you important to him/her
Your day is consumed with thinking about how to please your spouse (or influence him/her)
You believe that your spouse has good intentions, and your spouse believes you have bad intentions
If you pull away from your spouse you get accused of being crazy, cold-hearted, disrespectful, or rebellious
When you try to tell other people what’s happening, they seem confused and give you advice about how to be a better person
You don’t do the things you used to enjoy
You work on your communication, but somehow that doesn’t make things better
Your spouse somehow desensitizes you so that unacceptable behavior feels acceptable to you
You find yourself making excuses for your spouse’s bad behavior
You think your spouse can learn and grow like you do, but that doesn’t seem to be the case
Your spouse has a limited repertoire of responses to frustration and none of them are productive: anger, sex, substance use, etc.
Your spouse resorts to character defamation and slander if you start making sense but it isn’t what (s)he wants to hear
You have to keep readjusting your perception of reality so that it matches your spouse’s if you want to keep the peace
When you disagree with your spouse, you’re accused of being disrespectful
They tell you that your behavior is not biblical (and they let you know what “biblical” is)
Their pursuit of “unity” is a way to get you to align with them, even if you feel like you’re just pretending to be united
When you have a reason for wanting to do something your way, your spouse has a thousand reasons for doing it their way
They establish themselves as the spiritual authority in your home
You think that if you could just find the one thing that could provide your spouse with insight, then what makes sense to you (and other “normal” people) will make sense to your souse, too

If I just described your relationship, I want you to know that these statements describe a relationship that is not emotionally healthy. And that means that the people in it are not emotionally healthy, either.

Now I know you might feel like the healthy one, the mature one, the one who knows how to hold the relationship together, but here’s how I know you aren’t completely healthy, either: healthy people don’t stay in relationships with people who treat them the way you are being treated. As you start taking steps to get healthy, you’ll see what I mean.

Get emotionally healthy

It only takes one person changing the dance steps to change the way the dance goes. What I mean is that, by getting emotionally healthier yourself, the relationship will change and have a chance to get healthy, too. [If you think your spouse might be a narcissist, read my article on how to deal with narcissists]

Here’s what you can do:

1. Admit the truth

Know that continuing to do what you are doing is only making things worse. Your spouse will continue to get more selfish, and you will continue to lose yourself as you become more absorbed into them. Admit that.

2. Get a reality check

Link up with someone who affirms you, who tells you that you are right, and who confirms reality for you.

3. Know where you’re wrong

Allow the person who affirms that you are right to help you see where you are wrong in the way that you are responding to your spouse - wrong in that your response to him/her is making things worse for him/her, for you, and for the relationship.

4. Learn new ways to interact

Learn how to respond in a way that is healthy. This will take a huge shift in the way you think about your relationships, so be sure you have someone to support and guide you.

If you need that support and guidance, schedule a Breakthrough Session with me so that you have someone who can walk this journey with you. Because . . .

hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .