It hurts so much when you discover that the person who promised to love and cherish you isn’t doing that and may never be able to love you or have a healthy relationship. Desperate for hope, you wonder: “Can God save my spouse?”

There are many people in the Bible (and throughout history and of course even today) who have had miraculous transformations. Let’s consider a few of these miraculous transformations and how they came about. 

Serious Sinners Who Were Saved

Paul - the apostle who wrote much of the New Testament

He’d been a religious zealot and believed he knew what was right - and he was convinced that people who were turning to Jesus were turning away from God, so he sought them out, persecuted them, and even had them killed. He didn’t recognize his spiritual blindness until one day God struck him with physical blindness, causing Paul to be totally dependent on the companions who were with him - and totally dependent on God to heal him. A humbling experience, and it opened his spiritual eyes to the truth. In humility he turned to the Lord and became the apostle who said “I am the least of the apostles,” and “what a wretched man I am” - acknowledging his human depravity and his need for Jesus. 

David - “a man after God's own heart”

David did some pretty atrocious things including adultery and pre-meditated murder, yet he remained in God’s favor. How? He humbled himself before God, acknowledged his sins, and repented of them. 

Nebuchadnezzar - a king in the book fo Daniel

He made people bow down to a golden image of himself and threw Daniel’s friends into the fiery furnace. By the end of his reign, the Bible says he extolled and honored God. How? When his pride had become great, he’d been given a dream and a chance to humble himself, but he refused. Because of this, he was driven from his people and made to eat grass like an ox for 7 years until he raised his eyes to heaven and humbled himself before God (Daniel chapter 4). 

Manasseh - a king of Judah who did evil in the eyes of the Lord

Because of the evil he did, the Lord brought upon him the army of Assyria who captured Manasseh with hooks and bound him with chains and took him to Babylon. And when he was in distress, he entreated the favor of the Lord and humbled himself before God, acknowledging God’s sovereignty. By the end of his reign he had caused all of Judah to return to God. (2 Chronicles 33)

All of these people were horrible sinners and full of pride. But it wasn’t that God just miraculously changed their hearts and they were suddenly saved by that. No. They suffered consequences for their sin until they humbled themselves and acknowledged God. 

Is Your Spouse In A “Saving” Situation?

What has challenged your spouse’s humility, and has it been effectively humbling for him/her? As you consider this, please understand that there is a difference between humility and humiliation. Some people can feel humiliated (it comes with a sense of embarrassment or self-deprecation) but not humility (an understanding of their lowly place and need for God accompanied by a surrender to him).

God addresses people who have false humility in Isaiah 58. He says “They seek me daily and delight to know my ways as if they do what is right and do not forsake the judgment of their God. They say ‘Why have we fasted, and you see it not? Why have we humbled ourselves, and you take no knowledge of it?’ But God answers: ‘Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure and oppress those around you, you fast only to quarrel and to fight and to hit with a wicked fist. Is not this, rather, the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke. Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide.’”

God detests false humility and those who are righteous in their own eyes but do evil to those around them.

If your spouse does not show signs of true humility, then the only hope for change for them may be in what was revealed through the stories of transformation mentioned above: the suffering people experience as a result of their pride before they humble themselves and turn to the Lord. The hope for your spouse is that he/she would experience consequences that bring them to their knees.

So the question becomes: Is your spouse experiencing consequences - consequences so severe that they might be motivated to humble themselves? Or . . . are you rescuing your spouse from the very consequences that could save them? Here’s what I mean:

Are you shielding your spouse from consequences?

• Are you hanging on to and even running after a spouse who continually pushes you away with their words and actions? If you are, you are removing the consequences of their actions - the very consequences that could bring them to their knees

• Are you being patient and long-suffering while you tolerate their unloving and even abusive behavior? If you are, then what consequences are there to motivate your spouse to repent? 

You must ask yourself: How bad are you willing to allow things to get in the hope that he/she will be saved? Jim Elliot, the famous missionary, said “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.” Are you willing to sacrifice the marriage you have (which you cannot eternally keep) for the chance for your spouse to be saved? [Read my article on how to know whether your spouse is a Christian]

Because if you allow your spouse to experience the consequences of their actions without rescuing them or shielding them, things could get bad. Having to face the consequences of their actions is going to be hard, especially when they haven’t had to do it thus far. And they might not like it. But it might be their only hope for change and a healthy relationship. 

It may be difficult for you, too, because you thought you’ve been doing the right thing by tolerating all of their nonsense. You thought you were being kind and loving. But relationally healthy people don’t stay in relationships where they are constantly hurt and rejected. That’s not to say that you have to leave, but it might mean allowing the emotional distance that your spouse’s actions are creating to manifest itself in reality rather than being covered up by your patience, endurance, submission, and forgiveness. 

Wondering if that’s Biblical? Consider how God is with us. He doesn’t stay close to us when we hurt him and reject him. He lets us go our own way. Our sin separates us from him. He still loves us, just as you still love your spouse, but he does not stay in relationship with those who reject him. We can follow God’s example [read more in my article about that here]

So, can God save your spouse? 

God can save anyone who humbles themselves upon recognizing the consequences of their sin. The real question is: Will you allow your spouse to experience the consequences? 

Because . . .

hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation…

Have a question about your relationship? Sometimes you just need someone to ask.

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