What we sometimes want to think of as patience, grace, or forgiveness is really just enabling.

Actions (both good and bad) have consequences.

When you practice “patience” and withhold or protect your spouse from the consequences of their wrong actions, you are preventing them from learning about how much damage they are doing to themselves and their relationships and are making your spouse able (“enabling” them) to continue to act badly without consequence.

Did you think your spouse was going to see you as a shining example of what it means to love and start treating you well?

What really happens when someone acts badly without consequence is that they have no reason to stop acting badly. In fact, they have reason to continue to act badly – it feeds their selfishness, and that feels good to them.

Do not be an accomplice to your spouse’s destruction.

Do not make it easy for your spouse to continue to do harm to you, to others, and to themselves. Those who turn a sinner from the error of their ways saves them from death (James 5: 20)

Here are some things you can do to stop enabling your spouse:

1. Trust your conscience

   When something seems wrong, it probably is. Start trusting your perception of reality.

2. Decide to stop taking responsibility for your spouse’s behavior

   It’s not your job to help your spouse live their life. Galatians 6: 2, 5 says that we should help carry each other’s burdens (things too heavy for us to deal with on our own), but that each of us should carry our own load (what we are responsible for lugging around).

3. Be clear with your spouse that you are not OK with what they are saying or doing

   If your spouse doesn’t know, then they won’t have a chance to change their ways. [Read my article about not having expectations in marriage]

4. Let your spouse experience the effect of their words or actions

   When people say or do hurtful things, they hurt people. Let them know that, and give them an opportunity to understand that - not just by telling but also by showing them that you are hurt.

I know that you believe in the supernatural power of God. But it is God’s power. YOU do the “natural” and leave the “super” up to God.

Need to talk to someone about your relationship?

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