I was listening to a sermon and the preacher said that, since we are all inclined toward selfishness, we should always assume, during conflict, that it’s selfishness (our own) that is the problem. I don’t think it’s it’s wrong to state that people are inclined toward selfishness. We are. But there are many (more than anyone is aware) who are sitting in church and berating themselves for their selfishness and their “negative” thoughts about their spouse despite their own efforts - beyond what anyone could imagine - to be unselfish, to give their spouse anything he or she wants, and to take full responsibility without assigning any blame to their spouse.

If that’s you, please hear me:

If your relationship is still difficult despite enormous effort on your part to be unselfish, then it’s likely that the problem IS your spouse - not you!

Let’s be realistic. We sit in church and hear messages about how we shouldn’t finger-point or blame our spouses and then go home to spouses who tell us that they hope we heard the message and will stop finger-pointing and expecting them to change.

What’s THAT all about? I’ll tell you what that’s about: It’s about a spouse who cannot apply that message to themselves. And, fortunately (or decidedly unfortunately) for your spouse, your spouse lives with you, who are more than willing to take the blame (because you DO apply the message you heard in church) . . . so that your spouse doesn’t have to.

Do you see how it perpetuates the cycle that is destroying your marriage?

One spouse takes all the blame, the other spouse gives it. The spouse taking it has been told not to give it, so the spouse that gives it never gets it, even though he or she is the spouse who deserves it.

Who’s really to blame for how things are going?

Let’s take full responsibility here and think about it this way: YOU are responsible for how you allow yourself to be treated. It isn’t fair (or right, or biblical) that you take all the blame and your spouse takes none. So, why do you allow that to happen? It’s allowing your spouse to become more selfish, and it’s destroying the relationship.

The Bible says “whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death” (James 5:20). Friend, do not be an accomplice to your spouse’s destruction by failing to point out his or her sin.

Yet, the message from the pulpit, often, is that our pattern during conflict should always be:

• to blame ourselves

• to point the finger away from our spouses and back at ourselves and say “I’m not getting what I want and that’s what’s causing this quarrel”

We’re encouraged to make that our pattern (as though we don’t already - to a fault).

What happens when it becomes our pattern to blame ourselves instead of our spouse?

When it became the pattern for me, it created a dynamic in which everything was always my fault and never my husband’s. That is not healthy. And it created a relationship in which he could blame me for everything and not have to take any responsibility for his part.

Should a relationship be 50/50?

That seems equal. You each contribute half to make a whole. I think the original intention of that is sound. It let people know that there is an expectation that each spouse would contribute to the relationship.

At some point, someone said that a relationship shouldn’t be 50/50 . . . it should be 100/100: each spouse giving 100%.

The math doesn’t add up there, since there really isn’t such a thing as giving 200% in total. So, what happens is that, when there’s a spouse who is willing to give 100%, they’re taking full responsibility for the marriage.

That leaves the other spouse needing to give none . . . zip, zero, zilch, nada. . . 0%.

And that’s what happens.

Is that what God wants?

Does he want you ignoring your spouse’s sin and just focusing on taking responsibility for yourself? For some pastors and counselors, ignoring your spouse’s sin and just taking responsibility for yourself is part of the 3-pronged approach they take toward marriage counseling:

• Prong 1: “Why are we here?”

• Prong 2: “What does Jesus say about that?”

• Prong 3: “Do you plan to do what Jesus says?”

So my husband and I sat in a pastor’s office for counseling. The pastor asked Prong 1: “Why are we here?”

I knew my responsibility. I told him: “I’ve lied – lied to my husband as I tried to pretend he was a good man, lied to my children as I ‘confessed’ that I needed to be more respectful, and lied to myself as I tried to convince myself of those things and more.

I was also guilty of idolatry: I’d worshiped my husband, desired to make him happy, and pledged to serve him. I thought I was doing those things for God – I thought it was what God wanted --- but when I discovered that God wants righteousness and truth, I realized that I’d put my husband’s will over God’s will. And it had destroyed our marriage.”

Prong 2 of his 3-pronged approach: “What does Jesus say about that?”

My answer: He says to tell the truth. But the result is like what Paul said to the Galatians: “Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?” Yeah, pretty much.

Jesus was an offense to people who didn’t embrace truth, too (Matt 13: 57), and truth separated family from each other (Luke 12:53).

Prong 3: Do you intend to do what Jesus says? You bet, even at the risk of loss.

So I don’t know what makes you healthier in your relationship - to think about it as 50/50 or 100/100 - but I say: Whichever you choose, be sure to think about it as being a relationship in which you do your part without letting your spouse get away with not doing his/hers. [Read my article about not having expectations in marriage]

One person giving 100% leaves nothing for the other person to do. And that will destroy your marriage.

Have a question about marriage or looking for marriage counseling?

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