There are some obvious signs that a relationship is in trouble: A spouse having an affair, a spouse whose spending is putting the couple in financial dire straights, physical abuse, alcohol or drug addiction, or pornography use. These problems are a big deal and make it obvious that, without changes, the relationship is in big trouble - and it requires a lot of work to get the relationship to a place of trust and peace when these problems have reared their ugly heads.

But many relationships that are in big trouble have much more subtle problems that a couple is not even aware of because the problems are 1. easy to overlook and, even if they are aware of them, 2. they seem easy enough to fix.

The reason these problems are easy to overlook is because they are so subtle that they are almost undetectable as problems until they’ve become a problematic pattern, which can take years to detect (and usually happens when a spouse gets tired of dealing with the same things over and over again).

And the problems seem easy to fix because you, yourself, could fix them if they were your problems, so it seems that your spouse should be able to fix their problems easily, too. And some spouses can. But when that’s not the case, and things that seem like they should be easy become exasperatingly impossible, they are a bigger problem than they at first appeared to be.

Here are 5 signs that your relationship may be in bigger trouble than you thought

1. Your spouse has a character problem

Character isn’t just “what someone does” - it’s what “what someone does” reveals about who they are. Character is the heart of who someone is - and it’s revealed in the fruit of their lives. Galatians 5 says that the fruit of someone without the Spirit is sexual immorality, impurity, debauchery, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

As you can see, a character problem is a sin problem - some sins are more obvious than others, but verse 9 puts them all in the same category, all yielding the same result: "that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

It’s easy to glance through that list and say “yeah, those are all bad things” but really look at some of the words: discord, fits of rage, selfishness - problems you might be experiencing in your relationship. And those sins separate people from God and from each other - it’s the natural consequence of sin - and that creates a big problem in a relationship where two people are supposed to be experiencing unity, not separation.

2. The relationship isn’t mutual

It might not seem like that big of a deal for one person in the relationship to be working harder at it than the other, but when that happens, it creates a dynamic that allows the character problems above to flourish.

When a relationship isn’t mutual, here is what you will start to see:

Irresponsibility: Your spouse wants you to solve their emotional and relational problems - and if you decide not to solve them or you set boundaries, your spouse gets angry. This places the responsibility on you to make sure your spouse is happy and the relationship is good. It also makes you the one to blame if things aren’t going well. You can see how one-sided it becomes when one spouse won’t take responsibility for what is their responsibility (their emotional well-being, their relational well-being).

Control: Your spouse resists your freedom and, instead, wants you to see things their way and do things their way - and if you don’t they get upset. In other words: you don’t have a right to your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions - they are wrong in your spouse’s eyes - and if you can’t see that, you’re the problem (according to your spouse). You don’t have the freedom to think or act the way you believe is reasonable - your spouse wants you to think and act the way they want you to. When you try to accommodate this (for example, by thinking that accommodating them is the right thing to do, by wanting to default to your spouse’s authority, by wanting to honor them or submit to them or allow them to lead) then the relationship is no longer an equal partnership but, rather, you have become a slave to your spouse’s sin of selfishness.

3. Your spouse has little or no ownership of their issues

Do you ever feel like you are banging your head against the wall as you try to get your spouse to understand their role in the problems your relationship is facing?

And anytime you try to point something out, you get the same responses:

Indifference: “it’s not that big of a deal”

Blame: “you’re the one with the problem”

Deflecting: “you should take the log out of your own eye first”

Rationalization: "You shouldn't be upset with me, because I do all these good things"

Defensiveness: “I don’t do that” or “you’re exaggerating” or “that’s not what I said”

Excuses: "I'm stressed” or “I’ve had a long day”

Denial: saying, in effect, ”nope, nothing there, no problem, you're making it up”

Get my whole list of tactics that emotionally unhealthy people use

These seem like easy problems to overcome: Your spouse could simply take ownership of their issues and things would get worked out. But something that seems simple to you (and very possible to you) goes against the very defenses that your spouse has developed to protect him/herself from having to admit their humanity and face their fears. And those defenses are not easily torn down.

4. Enmeshment

Enmeshment occurs when you spend most of your time trying to manage (or accommodate) your spouse - your spouse’s emotions, preferences, mood, schedule, relationship with the kids, health… anything. It can get to the point that you are no longer making choices based on your own preferences or even feeling your own feelings anymore because you are so used to focusing on your spouse’s preferences and on feeling your spouse's feelings that you lose your own.

This is a problem because, when you become enmeshed with your spouse, your spouse becomes your object of focus - your idol. And, while you may think that you are spending your time and energy doing what God wants you to do in serving and obeying your spouse, what you’re really spending your time and energy on is what your spouse wants you to do. Your spouse has become your god. While God wants you to be transformed into the image of Christ, your spouse is trying to turn you into his/her version of you.

5. Too many rules, standards, and expectations

There are some standards and expectations that are reasonable in order to protect the relationship: fidelity/faithfulness, keeping promises, gentleness, being easy-tempered, having self control, taking responsibility, and having humility, for example. But rules and rigidity about the expectations and standards that are mere preferences and perhaps aren’t generally accepted (at least by believers) tend to get a bit exasperating. And they’re a sign of control, creating an unequal distribution of power/influence in the relationship, which drives a couple farther apart rather than bringing them closer together.

Each person in a relationship is entitled to their own idea of what’s acceptable, but they aren’t entitled to impose that on their spouse. If your spouse is setting the rules or standards for behavior and you feel like your attempt to cooperate is like trying to hit a moving target and there are too many ways to fail, it’s a recipe for failure. And if your spouse doesn’t find a way to give you the freedom to have standards that are reasonable to you (and different from theirs), then the unity breaks down and the couple drifts apart emotionally. Unity isn’t about seeing eye to eye or thinking the same way or having the same standards - it’s about working together, each with your own unique perspectives, toward a common goal.

What IS the goal?

Perhaps the goal is what needs clarity in your relationship. Do you know what you are working toward? Do you know what your spouse is working toward? If you need to explore this and figure out how to get on the same page or work through some of these relationship issues, schedule a Breakthrough Session with me. And, as much as you have been putting your hope for a good marriage in your situation changing, you will find that…

hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation…

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